Funniest joke you know

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
181

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

182

Before you tell this joke, have whoever you’re telling it to name 3 people they don’t like. I’ll call them A, B, and C.

A, B, and C are going for a walk one day, when they come across a bridge. A troll comes out from under the bridge and says, “in order for you to cross, your peckers must total 21 inches.” So A drops his pants and the troll measures it and says, “10 inches.” Then B pulls his out and measures: 10 inches. C pulls it out and measures half an inch. Between A and B, they manage to scrounge up another half inch and they’re all allowed to cross the bridge.

Punchline:Then C says, “good thing I had a hard-on!”

183

I have two.

     This is similar to one above :

   First one :  A magician gets a gig on a boat.  He thinks its going to be a great time.  He goes out for the first show and notices a parrot in the audience right in the front row.  He starts doing his act and the audience is amazed and he gets a standing ovation.  The second night he comes out and the parrot is again right there in the front row.  This time, however, the parrot has figured out his act the first night and starts giving away his secrets right before each big trick.  "Its a trick door."  Or "She's behind the curtain," etc.  The magician bombs after that for night after night.  The parrot just won't let up and the magician, despite his best efforts and pulling out his best tricks, just can't fool the parrot.  

       Finally on the last night the boat sinks after hitting an iceberg.  The parrot and the magician are stuck on debris just staring at each other.  The do this for three solid days, eyes glaring, not a word said.  Finally, on the fourth day the parrot speaks up and says, "OK, I give.  Where's the boat?"

    Second one :

       Jesus, Moses and a little old man are golfing.  They come up to a huge Par 3 water hazard.  Jesus steps up and hits a solid shot over the hazzard and onto the green, 10 feet from the hole.  Moses now has the pressure one and want to do Jesus one better.  He nails the ball and its dead on.  He's left with a 3 footer to birdie.  

       Finally, the little old man steps up.  He calmly hits the ball along the ground, but then a squirrel, thinking its a nut, comes up picks up the ball before it stops.  He scurries along the ground until a huge hawk comes out of the sky, swoops down and picks up the squirrel.  He flies the squirrel over the water hazzard and drops him over the green.  The squirrel drops the ball as he is falling and the balls miracurously rolls into the hole.  

      Jesus says,"Nice shot dad."
184

A bachelor was feeling lonely and decided to buy a pet to keep him company. At the store, he saw a parrot and was instantly entraced by the idea of a talking pet, so he bought it without hearing it talk at all despite the no-refund policy.

Once at home, the parrot began to squawk out creative strings of expletives with such fluency that the bachelor, tiring of the abuse, stuck the bird in the freezer. After only a few seconds, the bird ceased cursing and the man returned the bird to its cage.

The bird apologized gracefully for its behavior and then said:

“May I ask one question, please sir?”
Certainly, he replied.

“What was it, exactly, that your turkey did?”

185

ps sorry–didn’t realized there were multiple pages to this thread. Apologies to Olenzero

186

A priest, a rabbi, and a baptist minister are out on a boat fishing when they realize they’ve left their cooler full of soft drinks on the lakeshore. So the priest gets up and walks across the water, grabs a coke from the cooler, and comes back across the water to the boat.

Then the rabbi walks across the water to the cooler, grabs a coke, and walks back.

So the minister says “If you guys can do that, I can do it too!” And he jumps out of the boat into the water and sinks. The priest and the rabbi pull him back into the boat.

He insists. “If you guys can walk on water I can too!” So he jumps out again and sinks. Once again the priest and the rabbi pull him back into the boat.

He yells, “If you can walk on water, I have faith that I can too!” and jumps out again. And sinks.

So the priest says to the rabbi, “Do you think we ought to tell him where those rocks are before he drowns himself?”

187

Little Timmy is in the first grade. Every day he insists to his teacher that he should be in the third grade. “My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is,” he yells.

The teacher gets tired of this and one day she takes him to the principal’s office and explains the problem. The principal says, “Well son, let’s see how smart you are. What’s 3 x 3?”

“Nine,” says little Timmy.

So then the principal asks what 6 x 6 is and Timmy answers that it’s 36. When the principal asks what 9 x 9 is Timmy answers “81.”

“Well, son, you seem to be pretty smart, so I guess we can move you to the third grade,” the principal says.

"Just a minute, " the teacher says. “I’ve got a few questions for him. Alright, kid, what does a cow have four of that I only have two of?”

The principal turns beet red and yells “You can’t ask a kid a question like that!” But little Timmy just says, “Legs.”

“And,” asks the teacher, “what do you have in your pants that I don’t have under my dress?”

Again the principal turns red and yells, “You can’t ask a kid a question like that!”

Timmy just says, “Pockets.”

The teacher asks one more question: “What begins with an F and ends with a U C K and means a whole lot of excitement?”

At this point the principal is close to having a stroke. He yells “You can’t ask a kid a question like that! I’ll make sure you lose your job!”

Timmy just says, “Fire truck.”

So then the principal says, “Son, I’m sending you to the sixth grade. Even I didn’t know the answers to those last three questions.”

188

I have two that usually get me a few laughs. First one might be offensive to Catholics in the crowd. My apologies and fair warning.

A guy dies and goes up the heaven. He’s let in and met by an angel. “Hi, I’m Bob, the angel, welcome to heaven, I’ll give you the tour.” Our guy follows him down that path and they pass a little field. “This is where the Baptists stay. Great people, all of them, I’ll introduce you later.” They continue on to another area. “This is where were keep the pagans, wild guys, great parties, check them out any Friday night.” They continue on. Bob, the angel shows him the Hindu area, the Protestant area and several others before pausing on the path. “Okay, we have to be really quiet when we go by this next area.”
The guy frowns. “Why?”
“Well, this is where we keep the Catholics and they think they’re the only one’s up here.”

Number two. Usually told using your school and it’s two rivals, but I’ll improvise.

Three guys are lined up at urinals. The first guy finishes, zips up and goes to the sink, rinsing his hands with water. “At Ivy leauge school A they taught us that cleanliness was next to godliness.” He dries his hands and leaves.
The second guy finishes, zips up and goes to the sink, washing his hands with soap and water. “At Ivy Leauge school B they taught us that soap was essential for proper washing.” He dries his hands and leaves.
The third guy finishes, zips up and heads right for the door, muttering, “At State they taught us not to piss on our hands.”

189

And the Rabbi says: “What rocks?”

190

This may be offensive to women, Catholics, members of the British Empire, and good taste. Read on if you dare.

By a strange twist of fate, Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II die on the same day and end up waiting together to get into heaven. Both are restored to the height of their beauties while they were alive, and the end up at the end of a long line of people being interviewed one by one by St. Peter. After an interminable while, everyone else but Dolly and the Queen are dealt with and Peter finally turns to the two. He says, “I’m terribly sorry ladies, but we only have room for one more. I have to send the other down to Purgatory for a while until we can renovate and expand Heaven. This has never happened before, so tell you what. Whichever of you can impress me more gets in right now, and that’s that.”

The ladies agree, and Parton whips off her top and lets ol’ Pete get a gander. Queen Elizabeth looks slightly embarassed, but says, “When I died, I was having my period.”

Peter nods thoughtfully then says, “Okay then. Elizabeth, you’re free to enter Heaven. Dolly, see you in few thousand years.”

“Wait a minute!” Parton shouts. “How can that beat these?”

“You should know, Dolly. A royal flush always beats a pair.”

191

whats worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits.

192

What comes after the cold and flu season?

The cold and flu World Series.

193

Once there was a man named Bubba who had a very good job as radio announcer. Just as his career was beginning to take off, he had a terrible accident. He slipped and fell in the hallway outside the studio, and his chin hit the floor, causing him to bite the tip of his tongue off. His chin bounced once, and his face smacked onto the floor again, knocking several of his front teeth out. He lost his job as a radio announcer when he tried to sue the radio station for having slippery floors. Since he lost the lawsuit, and all of his savings went to pay the legal fees of both his own lawyer and the radio station’s legal team, he couldn’t afford to pay for a bridge to replace the teeth he had lost.

Bubba attended some post-trauma therapy, where they gave him training and counselling so that he could find new employment. He decided that sales appealed to him, so his career counsellor helped him get an appointment with the sales manager of a large manufacturing company which specialized in products for oral hygiene. The next day, Bubba got up bright and early and went to have his job interview.

The sales manager took one look at him and thought, “I can’t hire this guy as a salesman! He’s got no front teeth!” As soon as he heard Bubba speak, the manager wished that he had called-off work, because the sounds that came out of Bubba’s toothless, tongueless mouth made him feel sick.

The sales manager was too soft-hearted to just send Bubba packing on account of his disabilities, so instead, he decided to give Bubba an impossible task.

“Here’s our newest sales rep’s case with 100 toothbrushes. If you can sell all of them by 5 o’clock today, you’ve got the job. This is our standard trial for all prospective sales reps.”

Bubba fell to his knees and thanked the sales manager. The embarrassed manager pulled Bubba to his feet and reminded him that he only had until the close of the business day. As Bubba left, the manager congratulated himself for getting rid of Bubba so gracefully.

Bubba returned shortly after 2 o’clock with an empty case. The sales manager was simultaneously stunned, delighted, and dismayed. “How on Earth did you manage to sell all of those toothbrushes so fast? It’s unbelievable!
I want you to stand here and show me your sales pitch right now!”

At first, Bubba tried to decline, but the manager threatened that the job was at stake, so Bubba nodded and set down his case on the manager’s desk. Opening the case, he produced a large box of very expensive chocolates, and offered one to his new boss. The manager said, “Oh, that’s a nice approach! Thanks! Don’t mind if I do!”, took one, and popped it in his mouth. As he started to chew, he suddenly spat out the candy, yelling, “Aaaagh! This isn’t chocolate! It’s shit!”

Bubba nodded and replied, “Yess. Yoor riiide! Oood yoo iiike ooo buy a ooosbwaassshh?”

194

A cowboy decides to buy a horse. He goes to a guy selling one and asks about it. The price is reasonable but the dealer warns him that there is one thing he should know. Instead of giddyap and whoa, the horse obeys the commands of “Praise the Lord” and “Hallelujah.”

The cowboy says “Okay, I can remember that,” pays for the horse, and hops on. “Praise the Lord,” he commands and the horse takes off.

Soon they are galloping across the prairie. They charge along for a while and then suddenly the cowboy realizes that they are coming up on the edge of a cliff. “Whoa!” he yells.

The horse keeps on going. “Whoa!” the cowboy yells again, but the horse pays no attention and the edge of the cliff is getting nearer.

Suddenly he remembers the dealer’s instructions and he shouts “Hallelujah!” The horse skids to a halt right at the edge of the cliff. The cowboy is very relieved. He wipes the sweat off his brow with his sleeve and sighs “Praise the Lord.”

195

Sister Mary Glenn and Sister Mary Robert were on the third week of their pilgrimage holiday in the Carpathian Mountains. They had said “Goodbye and God bless!” to all the nuns at St. Vladimir’s monastery bright and early, but their departure had been delayed when the bishop showed up at the last minute and invited them to lunch in the village. The bishop seemed to be especially fond of Sister Mary Glenn, and had even given her a silver cross on a chain which had been blessed by His Holiness, the Pope in Rome, as a farewell gift! Things had taken a little too long at the post office when they tried to send postcards to their convent back in the Bronx but couldn’t remember the Zip code, and then there had been that herd of goats on the road that had held them up for another half hour, but at last, they were putt-putting along the winding mountain road through central Romania in their rented Fiat…

… but now the sun was setting, and it looked like they wouldn’t get to St. Anastasia’s, the next convent, which was still another 40 kilometers east, until well after dark…

It was Sister Mary Glenn’s turn to drive, and, squinting into the advancing twilight, she thought she saw something in the road up ahead. She turned on the headlights, but whatever it was seemed to shoot straight up and out of sight. Sister Mary Glenn turned to Sister Mary Robert, and started to say “Did you see…”, but the look on Sister Mary Robert’s face made her look back at the road, just in time to see something come flying straight at the windshield!
WHAM!
There, clinging to the windshield, snarling and snapping its teeth, was the ugliest, meanest-looking vampire that Sister Mary Glenn and Sister Mary Robert had ever seen!

(Actually, neither of them had ever seen a real vampire before, but, well, you know what I mean…)

Sister Mary Glenn’s first reflex was to stomp on the accelerator pedal, which made the Fiat lurch ahead about 7 kmph faster. She looked at Sister Mary Robert and screamed, “Oh, my Lord!!! Sister! What can we do?!”

Sister Mary Robert was the sensible, level-headed one. “Don’t worry, sister!” she replied in a calm voice, “The good sisters at St. Vladimir’s warned me that something like this might happen, so I filled the windshield-washer reservoir with Holy Water from the chapel before we left. Hit the windshield washer button!”

Sister Mary Glenn did as she was told, but though the Holy Water scorched and blistered its skin with each spray from the washer nozzles, and its face was being smacked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, by the wiper blades, the vampire just hung on tighter, snarling louder, and getting uglier and meaner-looking!

“NOW WHAT’LL WE DOoooo!!!?” wailed Sister Mary Glenn, who was having trouble seeing the road, since the windshield was now smeared with melted vampire skin.

Sister Mary Robert was getting dangerously close to the sin of despair herself, when, in a moment of divine inspiration, she yelled, “Show him your cross, Sister! Show him your cross!”

At these words, Sister Mary Glenn snapped back from the brink of panic, looked at Sister Mary Robert with the grim determination of True Faith, and nodded. She cranked down the window, and keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel with one hand, stuck her head out the window, looked that snarling, spitting, blistering, bat-out-of-you-know-where-ugly vampire in the eye, and shouted,

“HEY! Get the fuck off the car, you goddamned ugly son-of-a-bitch! I’m tryin’ to drive, here, fer Christ’s sake!”

196

What succeeds?

A toothless parakeet.

197

It’s Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.
Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman’s penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, lying naked on her bed with her legs apart.
Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, “I’m faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have my way with her, and be gone before she knows it.” So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.
Suddenly, Wonder Woman sits up and says, “did you hear something?”

“Owww!,” replies the Invisible Man, “No, I didn’t hear a thing… but,… owwww!”

198

Poor taste warning; bad joke ahead has been proven to offend catholics, christians, women, men, boys and girls, children of all ages, etc. (Also, my apologies if this has been posted already)

Two nuns are walking through a park when they are jumped by two men. The men proceed to have their way with the women. During this, the first nun closes her eyes and begins to pray aloud, “Forgive these men, o Lord, for they know not what they do…”. At this, the second looks over and replies with a smile, “Mine does”.

199

Oh, great topic eman77, by the way, has anyone provided a link to this site yet? (sorry if you did, I may have missed it)

200

Michael and Seamus were stunned to find themselves adrift in a lifeboat, the only survivors of a disaster at sea.

As they searched the lifeboat, Michael finds a tarnished old lamp - upon polishing it with his coatsleeve, out pops a genie who offers him one wish.

“It’s sure to be a long time to the next pub, I wish the sea was filled with Guinness!”, says Michael.

In a flash, the genie disappears, leaving nothing but the slow slap of waves of Guinness against the sides of the lifeboat…

"Michael, you’ve really gone and done it! " says Seamus in disgust. “Now we’ll have to piss in the boat…”.

An English, Scots and Irish fellow decide to have a pint - when served, a fly promptly lands in each pint.

  • The English gent insists on a new pint.
  • The Scotsman casually flicks the fly off and downs his pint.
  • The Irish fellow starts screaming at the fly - “Spit it out you wee bastard!, Spit it OUT!”