I told a bunch of jokes one time and everybody agreed this was the best one by far:
The mayor of a small town wanted a mural to commemorate Custer’s Last Stand. He hired a painter who spent 2 years planning it out and 3 years painting it. After the 5 years were up, it was time for the grand unveiling. Everybody important was there - the mayor, his family, the city council, a big crowd of locals. The painter unveiled the curtains and everybody gasped.
It showed a picture of the crucifixion, a cow with a halo, and a bunch of (American) Indians rolling around on the ground in pairs.
The mayor said to the painter, “WHAT DID YOU DO!?” The painter said, “I wanted to paint the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he was killed. So I panted Jesus Christ, holy cow, look at all those fuckin’ Indians!”
“Look,” the frustrated clerk says, “spell VAN as in VANILLA.” She spells V-A-N. “Okay now spell STRAW as in STRAWBERRY.” She spells S-T-R-A-W. “Okay now spell FUCK as in CHOCOLATE.” “Wait a minute,” she says, “there’s no fuck in chocolate!”
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting
back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their
elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you, both beat. You know how
Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a
brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a
monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to
name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home
all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son
to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was
delicious.”
A. The first one was dead, the second one was copying the first one, the third one was monkey-see-monkey-do, the fourth one was blonde, and the fifth one was peer pressure.
I have a really good 2 part blonde joke but it’s adult content. What exactly is permissible in this forum?
A guy goes to the doctor with a sore arm. The nurse calls him and has him give a urine sample before going to the examining room. He’s puzzled but does as asked and the doctor comes in a bit later.
“I see you have a mild case of Lateral Epicondylitis, in your left arm.” said the doctor.
“How did you know?” asked the guy, “you haven’t examined me.”
“We have a new machine that can diagnose any physical condition from a urine sample. I’m going to prescribe an anti-inflammatory and I want you to put the arm in a sling for a week then come back and seem me again. Oh, bring another urine sample, here’s a specimen jar.”
The guy was skeptical but did as the doctor ordered. Before his follow-up visit he decided to play a trick on the doctor and his “miracle machine.” After giving his own urine sample he had his wife pee in the jar. Going a step beyond he had his 14 year old daughter do the same. He decided that wasn’t enough so he masturbated into the jar. One way or another he’d have a good joke on the doctor or fool his machine. As he was about to leave he had a stroke of genius. He opened the hood of his car, pulled the dipstick from the engine and added a drop of motor oil to the bizarre concoction in the jar.
Later in the examining room the doctor walked in with a scowl on his face.
“Give it to me doc, am I gonna kick the bucket?” the guy asked with a smirk.
“I’ll put it to you straight. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife has Chlamydia, your car is about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop whacking off that tennis elbow will never heal.”
I heard the one about the kid being scared straight different. Last time I heard it was in the sermon at church. The kid was sent to catholic school because he did badly in math. The punch line went “when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew these people weren’t fooling around.”
aryk29, put the whole joke in a spoiler tag with a warning. That should be okay.
On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off shore. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the
water a hapless man wearing a Chicago White Sox baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.
At that very moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Cubs jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Sox fan from the water and then, using
long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding,
semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard franticshouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.
After they reached the shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said,“I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of south and north sides of Chicago, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a
model on which others could follow.”
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” one answered, “that was the Holy Father, His Holiness the Pope, the head of the Roman Catholic Church and the spiritual leader of millions of faithful Christians around the world.”
“Well,” the harpooner replied, “He doesn’t seem to know shit about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?”
GO CUBBIES!
There are twin brothers who are constantly into trouble. They beat up on the smaller kids, steal, and break stuff. The neighbors are furious at the parents and the parents are at their wits end as to how to control the kids. Finally they decide to seek help from the church. So they contact the minister and he says he will have a talk with the kids.
They send the first son over to the church. He sits down in the minister’s office and the minister asks, “Where is God?”
The kid fidgets but doesn’t say anything. The minister repeats, “Where is God?”
The kid fidgets a little more but is still silent. For a third time the minister asks, “Where is God?”
At this point the kid runs out of the church, down the street, and back to his house where his twin brother is waiting. “You’re not going to believe this!” he yells. “God is missing and they think we did it!”
The manager of an adult shop takes a break and leaves the new clerk in charge.
A white woman comes in and asks, “how much for the dildos?” The clerk says, “$35 for the black, $35 for the white.” So she says, “I’ll take a black one. I never had a black one before.” So she buys it and leaves.
A black woman comes in and asks, “how much for the dildos?” The clerk says, “$35 for the black, $35 for the white.” So she says, “I’ll take a white one. I never had a white one before.” So she buys it and leaves.
A blonde woman comes in and asks, “how much for the dildos?” “$35 for the black, $35 for the white.” “What about that plaid dildo on the shelf?” “Oh, that’s a very special dildo. That’ll cost you $165.” “Ooh, I’ll take it!” She buys it and leaves.
The manager comes back and asks the clerk how it went. “Good. I sold a black dildo, I sold a white dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
Part 2 ----
Q. What did the blonde say when she found cucumbers in the grocery store?
A. Oooooh! Green dildos! I never had a green one before!
Here’s a cute one - even better if you can do the voices
Donald Duck runs into Mickey Mouse on the street and says * Hey Mickey, I heard you divorced Minni because she’s crazy*
Micky Mouse replies * She’s not crazy … she’s fucking Goofy!*
A drunk guy wanders into a Catholic church and manages to stumble into the confessional. The priest hears the man on the other side and waits for a moment. Finally he says:
“My I help you, my son?”
“Dunno,” the drunk replies. “You got any paper on your side?”
Said to be a true story: a young couple was staying at a luxury hotel/restaurant/lounge. They went swimming in the pool, which was quite large. Her swimsuit was a little loose, and when she dived into the pool, she kept losing either the top or bottom half of her swimsuit. But they had the pool all to themselves, so they didn’t worry too much about it. When they were finished, they went down to the restaurant for breakfast. There was a very big tank over the bar. The man asked the waiter “Why do you have such a nice, big tank with no fish in it?” The waiter said “That’s not a fishtank, that’s the swimming pool!”
Q: What is the difference between a mallard duck and your mother?
A: A mallard duck isn’t a filthy whore!
#2
There were 3 dwarfs sitting around feeling sorry for themselves because they didn’t feel like they had done anything with thier lives so that they would be remembered when they died.
The first dwarf decides that he has very small hands. Infact, he thinks they may be so small that he could get into the Guiness Book of World Records.
The second dwarf figures that his feet are so small that he too, could maybe get in the GBoWR.
The third dwarf embarrassingly admits that his pecker is so small that he could possibly get into the GBoWR.
So the three of them go down to the GBoWR office and one at a time go in to meet with the editor. The first dwarf come out of the office jumping and yelling, "I made it! I am in the GBoWR! I am finally somebody. The second dwarf goes into the office for his turn and comes out a few minutes later just as excited as the first dwarf. “I made it! I have the worlds smallest feet, and I am in the GBoWR!”, he says. The third dwarf goes in for his meeting with the editor and comes out a few seconds later with his head hung low. He gives his friends a sad and angry look and says, "Well, I didn’t make it into the GBoWR, and who the hell is this, (Name of person you are telling the joke to), person anyways?
A drunk is in a bar in a hotel. He gets really loaded, then has to pee. So he asks the bartender where the restroom is.
“Go down the hall and through the door on your left,” says the bartender. “Make sure it’s the left door, not the right door.”
So the drunk goes down the hall and of course he gets confused and goes through the door on the right, which leads to the swimming pool. The drunk falls in.
He flounders around in the swimming pool for a while and just when he can barely stay above water any longer he hears the door open and hears somebody coming.
So George W. and OJ Simpson happen to be next to each other at the urinals in the airport bathroom.
GW happens to look over and see OJ’s huge penis.
“Damn OJ, I wish my dick was that big” says W.
“It can be George”, said OJ, “Every night before you go to bed, just whack your dick against the wall three times. It adds a quarter inch every time.”
So that night, W was feeling a little frisky, so he snuck into the bedroom, took off his pants, and WHACK WHACK WHACK, banged his dick three times against the wall and heard Laura cry out, "IS THAT YOU OJ?!?!
