Funniest joke you know

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
141

DICTIONARY OF DATING ====================

ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person
whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom,
and dating repulsive men.

EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being
advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her
totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into
after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date
is.

NYMPHOMANIAC a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

142

The Spellchecker Song

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we’re laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.

143

Why didn’t Hitler drink?

It made him mean
Two guys from the mideast were flying to America to live, while on the plane they agree that 1 year later they will meet up and see which one of them has become more Americian.

The year goes by and they meet up and the first guy says "Hey man what is up I just picked up my kid from little league in my Ford Explorer we are going over to McDonalds and then I am going to pick up a case of Budweiser and have a BBQ at my house.

The second guy says “Fuck you raghead”

144

Father O’leary is doing confession one Sunday when he realizes he has to pee. He peeks his head out of the confessional and sees a group of altar boys sitting in the pews.

He calls out for one and asks the little boy to take his place while he goes to the bathroom, “Whenever they enter, allow them to confess, and using this list, give them the appropriate repentance.” There’s a list posted on his side of the confessional. “For theft, 6 hail-marys. For murder, 12 hail-marys and an hour of silent prayer, and so on, ya got it?”

The boy nods and proceeds to wait.

Along comes a lady who enters the confessional and begins “Father, it’s been 2 weeks since my last confession.”

The boy, in a low, manly voice responds “Yes, go on my child.”

She continues to tell him that she gave a blowjob to a man who was not her husband.

The boy scans the list saying to himself “Blowjob, blowjob, where’s the friggin blowjob”.

Well there’s no listing for blowjob, so he looks out and asks Tony, another altar boy.

“Hey Tony, what does Father O’leary give for a blowjob?”

Tony goes, “A handful of Gummi Bears and a Snickers bar.”

145

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows.

The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian and that he’ll send him out the next day to check out the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, “The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows.”

“Wow,” says the banker. “What did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replies the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asks the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the smiling farmer, “but they sort of taste like peppermint.”

146

Ow. I think I sprained my brain.

147

JODI: You are right, I screwed up :smack:

148

This hick from Wisconsin got accepted to Harvard. His first day there, he walks up to an upperclassman and asks, “Can you tell me where the library is at?”

The upperclassman sniffs, and says, “Excuse me, but heah at Hahvahd, we typically do naht end our sehntahnces with a preposition.”

Hick says, “Okay, then, can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

149

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and because they are “the seven
dwarfs” they got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.
“Dopey my son,” said the Pope, “what can I do for you?”
Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and
answered,
“No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”
In the background a few of the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around
and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to face the Pope.
“Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled again, thought again for a moment and then answered,
“No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.”
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.
Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, “Mr. Pope, are there ANY
dwarf nuns in the whole world?”
The Pope answered, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding
on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they began chanting:
“Dopey screwed a penguin… Dopey screwed a penguin!”

150

A chicken and an egg are laying together in bed. The egg looks lovingly at the chicken, takes a slow drag on a cigarette and says “Well, I guess that answers that question”.

151

OK, I got three.

  1. A very proper elderly gentleman recently lost his wife, so he goes to the pet store for a companion. He sees a parrot at the counter with a sign that says “$50 or best offer”. So he buys the parrot and brings it home. At home, he asks the parrot “Polly want a cracker?”

“Fuck you,” the parrot replies.

“Excuse me?” the horrified gent asks.

“I said ‘fuck you’, you wrinkly old shit-for-brains,” the parrot says.

“I don’t appreciate that kind of talk,” the old man says.

“I don’t give a fuck what kind of fucking talk you don’t fucking appreciate, you cocksucking motherless fuck,” the parrot replies.

Absolutely flabbergasted, the man tries to silence the bird to no avail. Finally, desperate for some measure of peace, he sticks the parrot in the freezer. The outraged parrot lets loose a stream of invective that eventually falters and trails off. Thinking he’s killed the poor beast, he opens the freezer door and sees the parrot standing there.

“I’m really terribly sorry,” the parrot says. “I had absolutely no idea you felt that strongly about it and I can assure you I shall govern my tongue to the utmost of my simple ability.”

Satisfied, the man returns the parrot to its perch and begins to walk away. “Can I ask you something?” the parrot says.

“Certainly.”

“Um… what did the chicken do?”

  1. There’s a Jewish kid who is an absolute hellion - throwing rocks through store windows, mugging old ladies, dealing dope at recess, the whole nine yards. His parents have tried everything short of a military academy to straighten him out. Desperate to avoid this last drastic measure, they send him to the local Catholic school. That afternoon, he comes back a shining example of childhood - his clothing still neat, combed hair, polite, kind and gentle. “What happened in there?” his incredulous parents ask.

“You won’t believe it,” their son replies. “They got a guy nailed to the wall right in the lobby!”

  1. This one’s accompanied by a pantomime gesture.

An English gentleman is on a plane which experiences catastrophic failure in mid-air. He grabs a parachute and jumps out to safety. As he’s gliding downward, he hears a terrified scream and looks up to see another passenger plummeting with a failed chute. By the luckiest chance he reaches out and grabs the hapless fellow as he falls past. (Hold your arms as if you have someone in an embrace and look down at them.)

“Oh, thanks awfully,” the second man says.

The first man looks at him in surprise. “My God, I recognize that accent! Did you by any chance go to Eton?”

“I most certainly did,” the second replies.

“Fancy that! So did I,” the first says. “Your tie gives you to be a Cambridge man, I see.”

“That I am,” the second man says.

“Well, it’s indeed a small world!” The first man pauses. In a low voice he asks, “You wouldn’t, by any chance, happen to be a homosexual?”

The second man looks surprised and says “No… No, I’m not.”

“Oh, terribly sorry, old chap!” (Open your arms wide.)

152

There are five people on a plane–a pilot and four passengers. One is the president of the United States, the other is the smartest man in the world, the third is a boy scout heading out for a backpacking trip in the woods, and the fourth is a little old lady.

The plane starts experiencing difficulty and the pilot realizes it will crash. He yells at everyone to grab a chute and bail out. But there are only four chutes and the pilot grabs the first one and jumps.

That leaves three chutes and the president jumps up and yells “As the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth, I must save myself.” So he grabs a chute and jumps, leaving two chutes.

The smartest man in the world yells," I am a genius and I have the ability to solve all the world’s problems. I must save myself!" So he grabs a chute and jumps.

This leaves only the boy scout and the old lady and one chute. The boy scout says “This will be my good deed for the day–I’ll let you have the last chute and I’ll go down with the plane.”

“No need to worry,” the old lady says, “there are chutes for both of us. The smartest man in the world jumped out with your backpack.”

153

[Adult language and adult content in this joke. If that offends you, please skip it.]

A guy named Jeff is out drinking with his friends. After having a few, Jeff needs to take a pit stop. So he goes to the bathroom and is standing at the urinal this 3 foot tall, drunken midget walks up and uses the urinal next to him.

Now, Jeff is not gay, but as the midget begins urinating, Jeff can’t help noticing that this midget has the most gigantic cock Jeff has ever seen. Finally, overcome by the sight of this midget with such a huge cock, and the 8 or 9 beers he’s already imbibed, Jeff can’t take it anymore, so he turns to the midget and says, “Hey, listen fella. I’m not gay or anything, but I can’t help noticing that you have the most humongous cock I’ve ever seen.”

The midget starts cussing, “Fuck! Shit! Damn! Awww, man, you weren’t supposed to see me!”

Confused, Jeff asks, “What are you talking about?”

The midget says, “Well, I’m a leprechaun. I’m not supposed to let people see me. And now that you’ve seen me, you get three wishes. So hurry up and let’s get this over with so that I can get out of here before someone else sees me.”

Jeff thinks for a moment and says, “All right, I want a limo waiting for me in front of the bar to take me and my friends home whenever we drink too much.”

The leprechaun says, “Done. You’ve got two more wishes. Hurry up so I can get out of here.”

Jeff thinks for a moment and says, “In that limo, I want there to be a suitcase filled with a million dollars.”

The leprechaun says, “Done. One more wish. Come on, come on, before someone sees me.”

Jeff thinks for a moment and says, “Also in that limo, I want there to be three beautiful women – one blond, one brunette, and one redhead – who will satisfy my every sexual desire.”

The leprechaun says, “You got it. There’s just one more thing. To consecrate the deal, you have to let me fuck you in the ass.”

Naturally, Jeff is pretty surprised by this.

The leprechaun says, “Yeah, it’s just one of those things. In order to finalize the deal, I have to fuck you in the ass.”

Jeff thinks about it for a moment, weighing the pain and discomfort of being fucked in the ass by this leprechaun and his huge cock with the benefits of a magic limo, a million dollars, and three beautiful women. Eventually, he relents. “OK, I’ll do it.”

So Jeff and the leprechaun retire to one of the stalls. Jeff bends over and the leprechaun climbs up on the toilet seat and begins to have anal sex with Jeff. As I said, the leprechaun had been drinking, so it was taking a while for him to finish, so to pass the time, the leprechaun starts to make some small talk.

“So, what’s your name?”

“Jeff.”

“Where ya from, Jeff?”

“Brooklyn.”

“And how old are you?”

“I’m 28.”

“So, Jeff, you’re 28 and you still believe in leprechauns?”

154

A farmer sinks all his money into 15 prize pigs [female] of a rare breed but then finds out the nearest breeder hogs [male] of that breed are 100 miles away. But since he wants purebred piglets, he calls the owner of the hogs and makes arrangements to truck his pigs over to be bred. But the other farmer explains that, sorry, he doesn’t have room on his farm to board the 15 pigs, so the owner will have to take them home every day.

So at 5 a.m. the next day, the farmer loads the pigs up in the truck and hauls them the 100 miles to the other farm. He lets the hogs have at them, and then loads them up to take them home. The hog owner tells him that he will have to bring the pigs over everyday to be bred until they are pregnant. “How will I know when they’re pregnant?” asks the first farmer. “If they are out eating grass,” the second farmer explains, “they are pregnant. If they’re out rolling in the mud, they’re not.”

So everyday for two weeks the farmer gets up at the crack of dawn, and everyday he finds the pigs rolling in the mud – not eating grass – and so everyday he makes the long and tedious trip to have the pigs bred. By the end of the two weeks, he’s exhausted. So tired, that at dawn the next day, he can barely drag himself out of bed. “Honey,” he says to his wife, “Just look out the window and tell me if the pigs are in the grass or in the mud.” “Neither,” replies his wife. “They’re in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

155

Q. Whats green, has six legs, and if it landed on your neck could kill you?

A. A snooker table.

156

The Frog Prince

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into
a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children and forever feel happy doing so.” That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and
thought “I don’t fuckin’ think so.”

157

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn’t want
anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home – arriving back 3 a.m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he
walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was
owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house.

“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000 I’m going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor. The
professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath
the cherry tree.”

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.

158

The Last 10 Things a Man Would Say

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

  2. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?

  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

  4. Her tits are just too big.

  5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

  6. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.

  7. Sure I’d love to wear a condom.

  8. We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.

  9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Murphy Brown.

  10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

                   The Last 10 Things a Woman Would Say

  11. Could our relationship be more physical, I’m tired of just being friends.

  12. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche that way.

  13. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

  14. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

  15. Please don’t throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.

  16. This diamond is way too big!

  17. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

  18. Wow, it really is 14 inches!!

  19. Does this make my butt look too small?

  20. I’m wrong, you must be right again.

159

A man was driving home one evening listening to some great sounds on the cd player, nice and relaxed and rather contented when he looks down at the dash and happens to notice that his car is overheating. Before he can do anything, there is an almighty klunk, the wheels lock up and great clouds of steam pour out from underneath his bonnet. With some difficulty he manages to navigate the car safely over to the side of the road. He lifts the bonnet, grabs the torch (flashlight for you Americans) and takes a look to see if he can find out what the problem is. Eventually the clouds of steam disappear. Even with his limited mechanical knowledge he sees before him what just has to be the mother of all breakdowns. There is a gret hole in the side of the engine and what looks like one of the pistons is sheared off and poking out through the hole. Resigning himself to the fact that his car is going nowhere, he ponders what he should do. But it is a lonely road, he is a long way from anywhere and he hasn’t seen another car pass by for a long time.

Just then he hears a voice: someone singing, and out of the gloom staggers an old guy, hardly able to stand, and swinging a nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

The old guy stumbles up to the car and manages to belch out the words, “Ya’ okay?”
“Piston broke.”
“Yeah, me too. Me too.”

160

Similar . .

A penguin is driving his sportscar when it overheats in a small town on a hot day. He nurses it to the side of the road and calls a tow truck. The tow truck operator says he’ll be about ten minutes, so the penguin goes over to the local store and buys an ice cream cone. He eats it, leaning on his car, but because of the heat he gets it all over his face. The tow truck driver arrives and looks at the steaming engine and then looks at the peguin and asks, “Did you blow a seal?” The penguin replies . . .

“No, it’s just ice cream.”