D’OH!
Well, it wasn’t really funny, and it was the bizarrest ‘joke’ I’ve ever heard, but I can fill in the blank: “You’re the man now, dog” is a minor, minor cultural reference based on a line from that movie the name of which I can’t remember by Gus Van Sant with Sean Connery as the novelist.
d1s1a1:I DID NOT find that amusing, as a disabled person!
You have to choose your audience. But I just love this first one. You have to make it sound like something you experienced. Usually by inlcuding some personal information.
I was driving to work yesterday. A small compact car had pulled up to the light and stopped. A large van pulled up behind him and didn’t get stopped. In fact it hit the smaller car so hard that he was pushed directly into the crossing traffic. Cars skidded to a halt, I held my breath. Luckily, no body hit him. But the man got out of the car in a terrible temper. He was so pissed he accosted the driver of the van. He started cursing and making violent gestures. He ripped the antennae off of the van, pulled the driver out and started beating him with it. the driver of the van died, of course. Of van areal disease.
And there is always this one. It is more contrived, but works on more levels.
A marine biologist recently perfected a method for extending the lives of his dolphin research subjects almost indefinately. The formula he had worked out required using immature sea birds. When he returned from the beach one day after gathering some, he encountered a sleeping lion on his doorstep. He delicately steped over the unconcious cat and was immediately arrested.
for:
Transporting young gulls over a state lion for immortal porpoises.
I just love puns! The worse, the better!
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day /10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but air of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me!”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5- day /20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door or after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years”
The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, YOU’RE mine.”
Because one activity is the best possible way to ensure everlasting life. And anything associated with that is joyous.
And the other is the most putrid and disgusting thing people can engage in together. And anything associated with that is so bizare that it becomes funny.
Just a thought
I’m still trying to figure out which is which on Pervert’s list though…
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench minding their own business when a flasher walks up to them.
He flashes the first little old lady and she has a stroke.
He goes to the second little old lady and flashes her and she has a stroke!
He proceeds to the third little old lady and flashes her but she wouldn’t touch it.
A father and son are walking dow the street one day when they notice two dogs humping up ahead.
“What are those dogs doing?” the boy asks his dad.
“They are making a puppy,” the dad replies.
The boy shrugs and they move along.
The next morning the boy wakes-up early and is walking by his parent’s bedroom and hears odd noises inside. He opens the door and sees his dad humping his mother.
“Dad, what are you doing to mom?” the boy asks.
“We’re making you a baby brother,” the father replies.
“Well flip her over,” the boy says. “I’d rather have a puppy!”
Three men, a father and his two sons, are about to start a round of golf when a gorgeous woman walks up and asks if she can join them. They aren’t thrilled with the notion of adding a woman but a foursome makes sense and she is hot afterall.
After several holes it turns out the woman isn’t bad at all and is playing great. After a few more holes she keeps it up doing almost as good as the men.
They get to the 18th hole and the woman gets on the green and has a thirty foot put for a birdie. She turns to the men and says, “Gentleman, this may be the best game of golf I have ever played in my life. If I make this put it will be my best game ever. I’ll screw the brains out of the man here who gives me the best advice on how to sink this putt!”
The two sons immediately start arguing over what the best approach would be. “The green breaks right so you want to hit a bit left”, says one. “There is a down slope and the ball will run so you don’t want to hit it too hard,” says the other son. And on they argue for a few minutes when they notice their dad shaking his head. “What’s up pop? You think you have a better idea?”
The dad sighs and says, “Apparently I have failed to teach you boys properly in the art of golf and life 'cuz that’s a gimmee if I ever saw one!”
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman
who is drinking heavily. Plucking up the courage he begins talking to her and asks why she’s drinking like she is. The woman replies
that she’s depressed because her husband has left because he’s
sick of her continual requests for kinky sex. The man thinks this is
terrible and suggests the two of them have a lot in common as his wife has just left him because of his repeated requests for
kinky sex.
One thing leads to another and they end up leaving the bar
drunk together.
They go back to the woman’s house where she tells the
man to make himself comfortable while she slips into something more comfortable. She goes into her bedroom and puts on her kinky sex gear and then bursts back out into the living room. The man however is just putting on his coat and is about to leave. Where are you going she enquires, I thought we were going to have kinky sex together.
The man replies, I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in
your purse, I’m out of here!
Three old ladies are on vacation in New York City. They decide to see a game at Yankee Stadium. This is kind of a special occasional for them so buy some whiskey and sneak it in. They all buy cokes and pour the whiskey in them. As the game goes on, the whiskey gets emptier and emptier.
So what inning is it and what’s the game situation?
It’s the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
This one works best if you do the voices right…
Three veeeeeery old British ladies are sitting next to each other on a train. As the train slows to pull into a station the first lady leans over to her neighbor with a question.
Lady 1: “Excuse me, is this Wembley?”
Lady 2: “Oh, no, dear, it’s Thursday.”
Lady 3: “Goodness, so am I, let’s get off and have a drink!”
Great joke, roxx222, I remember this as three old men, from a Bennet Cerf collection.
It reminds me of:
Two Englishmen meet in boarding school, and hate each other from sight.
They graduate.
One of them goes into the Army and becomes a full Colonel; the other goes into the Church and becomes a fat, high-ranking bishop.
Twenty-five years pass.
They encounter each other one day at a train station.
The bishop scores first: poking the colonel in his medals, he demands, “Stationmaster, what time does this train leave for London?”
Without batting an eyelash, the Colonel replies, "In twenty minutes madam – but should you be travelling* in your condition?"*
(** Yes, double-L’s, because they’re British dammit!)
Mr Whale is swimming around and bumps into his old acquaintance Mr Squid.
“Good morning Mr Squid. How are you doing?”
“A bit poorly at the moment Mr Whale. I’m not feeling at all well.”
“Oh. That’s sad. You know, what I normally do when I’m not feeling well is to dive down to deep water for a bit. That normally makes me feel a lot better.”
“Oh, I know. That’s what I normally do too. The problem is that I seem to be a bit too buoyant, and I can’t get down deep.”
“That’s too bad. But I tell you what. You hang on to me real tight and we’ll go for a dive. You’ll be feeling great in no time.”
So Mr Squid hangs on relly tight to Mr Whale and together ther dive down deep to a place where Mr Squid has never been before. Whem they get there they meet Mr Whale’s good friend Mr Shark.
“Good morning Mr Whale. It’s great to see you down here.”
“Good morning Mr Shark. Here’s that sick squid I owe you.”
Thanks j_sum1. I’ve remembered the punchline only of that joke for the last twenty years! Cheers.
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, "I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in …
Some things you just can’t explain."
A lady bank teller is working her window one morning when a biker guy wearing a lot of leather and with many tattoos
saunters up to the window and says, “I want to open an fucking checking account.”
The lady, a little off balance by his manner, replies “I’d be happy to help you sir, but this is a respectable business
establishment. Please mind your language”
“What the fuck’s wrong with it? Now can you help me open a fucking checking account, or what?”
“Let me get my manager.” So she goes to the manager and tells him that she’s got a man with horribly foul language that
wants to open a checking account. She tells him that she was very insulted and asks him to do something.
So the manager goes up to the window and says to the biker “Sir, can I help you with something?”
“What the fuck’s the matter with you all? I just won 50 million fucking dollars in the fucking lottery and I want to open
a fucking checking account!”
And the manager replies “And this fucking bitch is giving you trouble?”
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the belt buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m sooo drunk!”
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”
Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A: Are you boys all in the same band?
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friends.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde girl and a blond guy?
A: The blonde girl has the higher sperm count.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
THE MEN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS WHEN SHE SAYS…
“We need” = “I want”
"It’s your decision " = “The correct decision should be obvious by now.”
“Do what you want” = “You’ll pay for this later.”
“We need to talk” = “I need to complain”
“I’m not upset” = “Of course I’m upset, you moron!”
“You’re so… manly” = “You need a shave and you sweat a lot.”
“Be romantic, turn out the lights.” = “I have flabby thighs.”
“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = “I want a new house.”
“I need wedding shoes” = “the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.”
“Hang the picture there” = “NO, I mean hang it there!”
“I heard a noise” = “I noticed you were almost asleep.”
“Do you love me?” = “I’m going to ask for something expensive.”
“How much do you love me?” = “I did something today you’re really not going to like.”
"I’ll be ready in a minute " = “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.”
“Is my butt fat?” = “Tell me I’m beautiful.”
“You have to learn to communicate.” = “Just agree with me.”
"Are you listening to me!? " = “Too late, you’re dead.”
“Do you like this recipe?” = “It’s easy to cook, so you’d better get used to it.”
“I’m not yelling!” = “Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.”
THE WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY WANTS…
“I’m hungry.” = “I’m hungry.”
“I’m sleepy.” = “I’m sleepy.”
“I’m tired.” = “I’m tired.”
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”
“Can I take you out to dinner?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”
“Can I call you sometime?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”
“May I have this dance?” = “I’d eventually like to have sex with you.”
“Nice dress!” = “Nice cleavage!”
“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = “I want to fondle you.”
“What’s wrong?” = “What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?”
“What’s wrong?” = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "
“I’m bored.” = “Do you want to have sex?”
“I love you.” = “Let’s have sex now.”
“I love you, too.” = “Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!”
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “I liked it better before.”
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = “$50 and it doesn’t look that much different!”
“Let’s talk.” = “I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.”
“Will you marry me?” = “I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.”
“I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together.” = “I am gay.”
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed
and depleted!
Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer
operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be
debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.