I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I met a young woman in a forest. She winked coyly, said she was game.
So I shot her.
How do you get four elephants in a mini?
- Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
- Giggling.
How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
- There’s a mini parked outside.
Heh. jjimm, that was way more amusing than it should have been.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
What’s green and swings from trees
Gorilla snot
What’s blue and swings from trees
Tarzan in a boiler suit
Three missionaries are captured by a tribe of cannibals and are given a choice
Death or Umbongo
Missionary 1 chooses death and is thrown in to the pot
Missionary 2 " " " " " "
Missionary 3 chooses Umbongo and is promptly buggered to death and thrown into the pot
A man is on his way home one night. He arrives at his car, and rummages in his pocket for the keys. After a while, he realises he’s lost them somewhere. He sits down next to the car dejectedly, and tries to think of a way to get home. After a while a stranger comes up to him and starts a conversation…
“Whats the problem” says the stranger.
“I’m locked out of my car” says the man.
“Thats no problem,” says the stranger, “I can open the door for you. All I have to do is rub my ass over the lock”.
The man thinks about it for a while, and decides that it could be amusing, so he tells the stranger to go for it. He rubs his ass over the lock on the door, and to the mans amazement, the door opens.
“How did you do that?” says the man
“Easy,” says the stranger “these are khaki trousers”
I think like to think this joke proves spogga’s claim that the best jokes are about sex and religion. (The punch line includes this physical gesture: place your hands out to the side, palms out, about eye level, slightly in front. Imagine describing a really big fish).
**Q: Why did the blonde go to church?
A: She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.**
“There are only three types of people I hate: homophobes, gays, and hypocrites.”
The great Las Vegas comedian Shecky Greene used to tell this joke. It isn’t as good as it was when Sinatra was still alive, but I still think it’s pretty funny:
“A lot of people say Frank Sinatra is an asshole. Well, they’re wrong. Frank’s a prince; a king among men. As a matter of fact, Frank saved my life once. A bunch of goons were beating the hell out of me in a casino parking lot, and Frank said, ‘Okay, boys. He’s had enough.’”
Reminds me of years ago, when I was traveling through the Ozarks. Conditions being somewhat primative, I was making use of the local two holer when the guy sitting next to me stood up. As he pulled up his overalls, a quarter fell out of the pocket and rolled into the pit under the outhouse. He looked at me with a mournful expression on his face, sighed deepely, and reached into his other pocket and pulled out a $20 bill. He then throw the bill through the hole he had been using after the quarter.
I was dumbfounded. “What the hell did you do that for?” I asked.
“Well,” he replied, “You don’t think I’m going to go down there”, and he pointed into the pit, “for just a lousey quarter, do you?”
Q: Whats better than winning a gold at the special olympics?
A: Not being retarded!
Nerdy joke number 1:
Two atoms are walking down the street and one trips and has a terrible fall.
He picks himself up, and as he checks his pockets, he exclaims, “Oh no! I’ve lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?” the other one asks.
“Yes, I’m positive!”
Nerdy joke number 2:
Descartes is sitting in a bar drinking with his philosopher friends and getting quite rowdy as the night wears on. He asks the bartender for yet another drink.
Bartender: “Sir, maybe you’ve had enough for tonight.”
Descartes: “I think not!”
And POOF!! he disappears.
SPOGGA –
I think you screwed this one up. As I heard it: Three missionaries are captured by a hostile tribe. The first is told “you must choose: Death or Umbongo!” He figures, he doesn’t know what Umbongo is, but he knows what death is, so he says “I choose Umbongo.” They untie him and take turns buggering him, then set him free. [Repeat for the second missionary.] The third missionary thinks, no way am I going to go through that! So when they offer him the choice he hold his head up and declares “I choose death!” The chieftan turns to the tribe and says, “You heard him, boys! Death – by Umbongo!”
My contribution:
A very elderly couple are sitting around one night and the old woman thinks, it’s been a long time since I’ve had some action. So she goes into the bedroom, strips naked, ties a towel around her neck and runs back into the living room yelling “Super Pussy!” The old man looks at her a moment and says . . .
“I’ll have the soup.”
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
There was a young boy who loved everything about George Washington. He worked hard to emulate all of the good things about the man.
One day he and some of his friends decide to pull a prank. So they go over to the outhouse and push it down the hill. Giggling they run away.
A few days later the boy’s father comes to him and asks, “Son did you tip over the outhouse a few days ago?”
The boy said, “Father, I cannot tell a lie. I tipped over the outhouse.”
“Son, that’s very noble of you to tell the truth.” Then the father proceeds to whip the boys backside with his leather belt.
“But father!” cried the boy. “George Washington’s father didn’t punish him when he admitted chopping down the cherry tree!”
“Son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down.”
Three men are caught by savages and are asked how they want to die. The first man wishes to die by hanging. So the savages hang him, skin him and use his flesh for their canoes. The second man asks to die by beheading. So they chop his head off, skin him and use his flesh for their canoes.
The third man says, “I wish to die by fork.”
The savages say, “Die by FORK?!?!?”
“You heard me, I wish to die by fork!”
So the savages shrug and give him a fork. The man begins stabbing himself all over his body yelling, “To hell with your canoes!!”
A man, his wife and their boy are waiting in line to order their food. The man and woman order, then the man slaps the boy upside his head and says, “Tell the man what you want, Fat Head.”
The man taking the order is appalled. “Sir, how can you call your son something as awful as that.”
The man says, “Look buddy, there’s only three things I ever wanted in life. The first was a big truck. You see that red truck out there? That’s mine. The second thing I ever wanted was a big house. You see that mansion up on the hill over there? That’s mine. The third thing I ever wanted was a nice tight pussy, and I had that too, until his fat head came along!!”
A fellow calls his house and a little girl answers the phone.
“Hi, sweetheart, I need to talk to your Mommy.”
“Sorry, Daddy. Mommy can’t come to the phone right now.”
“And why is that?”
“Because she’s in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”
“Uncle Frank?!? Tell your Mother that I’m about two blocks away from the house!!”
Over the phone, a huge commotion is heard, screaming, crashing, and finally silence.
“What the hell is going on,” demands the man.
“Mommy ran naked out of the bedroom, tripped and fell down the stairs. I think she’s dead,” sobbed the little girl.
“What about Uncle Frank?”
“He tried to jump off the deck into the pool, but he didn’t know you’d drained it so you could paint it, Daddy. I think he’s dead, too,” she continued.
“Pool? What pool? Is this 945-9068?”
(UK/Ireland-centric joke - Sorry merkins!)
There was a seafood restaurant that had lined up in its front window a bunch of aquariums, aquaria - whatever - you know what i mean: fish-tanks. It was very popular: each night the clientele would come into the restaurant and choose from these fish-tanks their main course - fresh as if from the sea.
However for a long time none of the customers chose the squid who lived in one particular fish-tank. Which is understandable: the poor creature was not the finest specimen of squid-dom: for a start he was green. He also had a moustache.
This squid, being left in the fish tank for so long, had become a kind of pet for the staff at the restaurant. The french chef, Gervaise, was fond of him, and indeed Gervaise’s feelings for the squid were only rivalled by those of Hans, the German dishwasher. Both of them would spend evenings discussing the wonderful temperament of the squid - how affectionate it was, how unassuming it was, how mild-mannered even.
The fateful day came! The restaurant had had its best day ever. The aquaria (restocked every night) had beeen almost entirely depleted. As closing time approached only the sweet natured squid was left in his aquarium. Both the chef and the dishwasher were fretting for him.
Unfortunately five minutes before closing time a couple walked in. ‘We’ll have that squid so’ said the gent. Aghast, the maitre’d says ‘Of course m’sieur I will go instruct the kitchen immediately’.
in he goes to the kitchen, and explains what’s going on. Hans and Gervaise freak out and absolutely refuse to have anything to do with the slaughter of this wonderful animal.
The maitre’d is forced to return to the table and give the following explanantion: 'I’m sorry m’sieur, but…
<If you’re telling this joke you should really sing the next bit…>
‘Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise about the mild green hairy-lipped squid’.
“Can you tell me the quickest way to get to Dublin?”
“Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t start from here.”
Australian foreplay: “You awake, luv?”
And my all-time two favourites:
SADIST: “Whip me!”
MASOCHIST: “No.”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry. Just a little prick with a needle.”
PATIENT: “Yes, but what are you going to do?”
Where do you hide your money from an Englishman?
Under the soap.