Funniest joke you know

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Many many centuries ago, when the Catholic church was very antisemitic, the Pope decreed that all Jews should be rounded up and expelled from Italy.

Naturally the Chief Rabbi was deeply shocked by this turn of events, and asked for a meeting with the Pope. The Pope decided to give the Rabbi a chance to put his case on behalf of the Jewish people.

The Chief Rabbi arrived at the Vatican, and was ushered into the Pope’s chambers. Unfortunately, he only spoke Hebrew, and the Pope only spoke Italian. There was no translator. So, the Pope decided to express his feelings using hand signals.

First, he raised three fingers. The Chief Rabbi raised one finger.

Then, the Pope twirled a finger around his head. The Chief Rabbi pointed to the floor.

The Pope produced a chalice of wine and a loaf of bread. The Chief Rabbi pulled an apple from his robes.

At this, the Pope flung up his hands, and left the room. The meeting was over.

In the Pope’s chambers, his cardinals surrounded him. “Il Papa, tell us what happened,” they entreated.

“Well,” said the Pope. "I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. But he held up one finger to remind me that we are all of the one God.

"Then, I pointed all around me to tell him that God is in everything. He pointed to the ground to show that God is also here with us now.

"Finally, I produced bread and wine to illustrate the redemption of sins. But again, he had an answer: he produced an apple, to remind me of original sin.

“Every argument I gave him, he had an answer. He bested me in theological debate about my own religion, and I realised that I have no right to remove such an erudite and learned people from the country. Issue a decree this minute to say that the Jews are instead to be loved as brothers of the Catholics.”

Back at the synagogue, the Rabbis, delighted that they and their people weren’t to be expelled from Italy, surrounded the Chief Rabbi.

“Tell us what happened,” they entreated.

“Well,” said the Chief Rabbi, "at first he held up three fingers to say we’ve got three days to leave the country. I held up one finger to say not one of us is leaving.

“Then, he motioned that he was going to round us all up, so I pointed to the ground to say ‘no, we’re staying right here’.”

“And what happened then?” asked the Rabbis.

“Then we broke for lunch.”

82

This girl wanted to join a hippie commune and had to undergo a Q & A session with the head hippie

HH “You take Drugs”
G “Sure Do”
HH “You screw around”
G “Sure do”
HH “Ever been lifted by the fuzz”
G " Erm no but I’ve been swung around by my tits"

83

HI-Jack

Why is it that all the best jokes are either about sex or religion

84

A horse and a chicken are out in a muddy field. The horse accidentally gets stuck in the mud and asks the chicken to help. The chicken says, “wait right here, I’ll go get the farmer’s cadillac and get you out.” So the chicken gets the car and helps the horse out of the mud.

A few days later, the horse and the chicken are out in the muddy field again and this time the chicken gets stuck. “Quick,” he says to the horse, “go get the farmer’s cadillac and get me out of here!” The horse is about to leave but then figures something else out. He straddles the mud puddle and tells the chicken to grab onto his dick to pull herself out.

And the moral of the story is-----if you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a cadillac to pick up chicks.

85

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. may I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst…

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

(Scroll down…)

"
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But I can’t tell you what it is because
you’re not a monk.

86

Two Arabs and a Jew are travelling in a fly infested railway carriage.

1st Arab reaches out, grabs a fly and eats it
2nd Arab reaches out, grabs a fly and also eats it
Jew reaches out, grabs a fly looks at the two Arabs and says “Anyone want to buy a fly?”

87

Did you hear about the blonde wolf? She chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trep!
A teacher is trying to teach her kindergarten class the names of flavors. She gives them each a red candy and asks if anyone can name the flavor. One said “cherry” and that was correct. The next day, she gave a green candy and one child called out “lime” and was correct. Finally, one day she passed out light brown candies and asked if anyone knew the name of this flavor (honey). Not a hand went up. Finally, she asked “Now what does your mother call your father?” Little Johnny quickly stood up and said: “Spit 'em out, boys. They’re assholes!”

Q- What’s invisible and smells like bananas?
A- Monkey farts.

88

Tonto is kneeling with his ear to the ground, says “Buffalo come”

Lone Ranger “That’s amazing, can you hear their hoofbeats?”

“No, ear stuck to ground”

89

Q:Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was DEAD!!!
Q:Why did the 2nd squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: It was stapelled to the first squirrel.
Q:Why did the 3rd squirrel fall out of the tree?

A:It thought it was a game.
Q:Why did the 4th squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: Peer pressure.
Q: why did the tree fall over?

A: it thought it was a squirrel.
Q: How did the farmer die?

A: He was killed by a falling squirrel-tree.

What does a rock do when it has stopped rolling?
Looks round.

90

Three blondes walking in the forest. First blonde points to the ground and excitedly says, “Look! Bear tracks!” Second blonde scoffs and says, “Those aren’t bear tracks. They’re wolf tracks!” And the third blonde was hit by the train.

-Apoptosis

91

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!”
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
“Pierre! What are you doing now?” asks the bewildered Marie. "
I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it on her lap.He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

Our hero stands and says defiantly, “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”

92

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young
Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene
Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday nightbath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old
nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key
to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that so?” said the old nun matter-of-factly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon
swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being
saved.”

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was
Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

93

Four nuns died and went to heaven. They are standing in line and St Peter calls the first one to his desk. “What is the worst thing you have ever done?” he asks the first nun. She thinks a while and says, “I saw a man’s penis once.” St Peter thinks a moment and says, “Well, you can come in, but you have to wash your eyes in that fountain behind me.” He notices an argument starting between nun 3 and nun 4, but calls up the second nun to ask her the same question. “I saw a man’s penis once,” was her reply. He instructs her to wash her hands in the fountain and go through the gates. Now nuns 3 and 4 are really going at it. St Peter walks over to them and says, “Now sisters, there is room enough for everyone in heaven. There is no need to argue, you’ll both get in.” Nun 4 tells him, “If you think I’m going to rinse my mouth out after she washes out her ass in that fountain you’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!”

94

A man gets home from his work at the stock exchange. He lives alone except for a medium sized retriever named “Roger”. His life is shallow and unfulfilling. His relationships last for only days, his family has fallen out of touch, and he is developing a sizable gut. He has also been drinking more than usual. Every day he comes home and looks into his liquor cabinet, seeing the bottles a little emptier then they were the day before, and his memory of how they were drained is always clouded and indistinct.

As the man walks into the door of his small, lonely, suburban house; he sighs and places his briefcase onto the couch. Roger wags his tail, and trots over to greet him. The man pats the dog with a lack of conviction. The dog looks at his master as he slowly removes his Cambridge shirt, revealing his sagging body, and tired frame. The dog with his tail still wagging sits down and waits expectantly to be fed. After the man checks his messages (only one, from a woman to cancel a date), and looks at the news on the TV (just more of the same boring shit, except with different names), he microwaves Roger a can Alpo, and pours himself a beer. ‘Something for the dog, something for the master’ he thinks in a mocking tone inside of his head. After the beer, he goes back to the fridge, then the cabinet; the evening is well underway.

The night has worn on; the TV plays a hollow sounding female voice in the throes of faking an orgasm. The man watches non-afflicted, porn has lost its luster some time ago. ‘Shit,’ he thinks to himself, "life has lost its luster some time ago’. He flips off the TV, silencing the almost comical grunts coming from it. He knocks over an empty shot glass, and it hits the floor with a dulled thud. Roger looks up, his canine eyes alert, and his ears perked. Roger has been noticing a change in his master, The man has been slowing down and becoming heavy with the stench of the liquid he drinks lately. Roger has been trying to avoid him as much as possible, and the man seems not to mind much.
The man has been thinking about his life lately (even before tonight), and as he looks over at the golden furred animal sitting at the far end of the room he begins to think a bit differently. ‘That dog could do the same fucking thing I do day in and day out. I’m doing nothing to relate myself to being human. Everything that makes me a step above that damn beast has been robbed from my life! I’m nothing but a damn machine!’. Roger looks at his master, with distrust. Something has changed in the man-thing’s demeanor. The man gets up off the couch, and stalks toward his bedroom. Roger shies away and watches him carefully. The man stands in his bedroom, searching with a passion through his chest of drawers. He finds what he is looking for, Roger’s spare collar. He walks back out into the living room, stumbling as the alcohol begins to take a real hold on his brain. Roger goes slowly to sniff his hand, trying to assure the man that he is the one in charge, that Roger poses no threat. The man grabs Roger, and drags him into his room. Roger lets out a scared whine, and tries to resist. However the man succeeds and drags the dog to the front of his closet. Throwing clothes in a helter skelter manner, he finally finds what he wants.

A $700 business suit lies in his hands; its expensive fabric folded in his grasp. He rips it off of its hanger, non-regarding of its condition. Even though a year ago he would have regarded the suit as a symbol of power, but now he holds both the collar and the suit in the same manner. After the suit is off of its hanger he grabs the terrified dog again, forcing the suit as best he can onto it. The dog bites, scratches and growls, trying to get out of the smooth perfumed prison. However the man over powers him and the dog is stuck, writhing, inside of the clothing. The man, satisfied with what he has done, strips down out of his own soiled clothing, throwing it aside without regard. He clamps the hard collar onto his own neck. Looking down at the Dog before him he Howls, a sound both pitiable and contemptible. His insane howl turns to laughter, as he looks down at the absurd site of the dog in human clothing before him.
“HAHAHAHAHA,” his stretched and crazed voice sounds into the darkness “You’re the man now dog!”

95

A woman goes to her lawyer and tells him she wants a divorce from her husband. “Do you have grounds?” the lawyer asks.

“No, I always use instant coffee,” she answers.

“Do you have a grudge?” the lawyer asks.

“No, we have a carport,” she answers.

The lawyer is beginning to lose patience. “Does he beat you up?” he asks the woman.

She says, “No, I always wake up a couple hours before he does.”

So the lawyer snaps, “Lady, why do you want a divorce from your husband?!”

And she answers: “We just don’t seem to be able to communicate.”

96

Either I’m missing something or that wasn’t funny in the least.

97

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor. “You rotten bastard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a
heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

98

NIMBOKWEZER: Have you been drinking or maybe smoking some ahem substance

99

I went shopping for some camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.

100

A woman went into the gun shop and told the assistant she wanted to buy a gun and some bullets for her husband.

"Certainly, madam, did he tell you what type to get?
"God, no. He doesn’t know I’m going to shoot him, yet.