Funniest joke you know

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Well, let’s get back into some high-class stuff and visit the world of literature.

Quasimodo was preparing to retire from his job as the Bellringer of Notre Dame. He placed an ad in the Paris Daily Times: “Apprentice Bellringer position, no experience necessary, will train. Apply Quasimodo at the Cathedral.” The only applicant was a one-amed man.

During the interview, Quasimodo asks, “The job involves swinging on the bell ropes. How can you do that if you only have one arm?” The applicant replies, “I can do anything with one arm that other men can do with two!” Quasimodo says, “Okay, let’s give it a try.” and they head up to the tower. As soon as they get there, the applicant jumps out, grabs a rope and starts swinging. He gets the first bell going, then the second, then the third, and misses the rope on the fourth. He falls head first on top of the largest bell, which rings with a mighty BBLLLOONNGG <do your own sound effect here>, then the applicant falls screaming to his death on the cathedral floor far below.

Two nuns are walking across the floor and stop to look at the body. One says, “Sister, have you ever seen this man before?” And the other replies, “No, but his face sure rings a bell.”
v
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v <allow a brief pause for the moans and groans, then fire the other barrel>
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And the first nun replies, “You’re absolutely right. The man’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo.” :smiley:

62

Thanks for the laugh, Manx! I never could resist a pun.

63

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick.

A: still no fucking eye deer.

64

Guy walking down a road comes upon an Indian lying in the road with his ear pressed to the ground.

Indian says “Blonde woman…driving Jeep…Nevada plates…”.

Guy says, “Wow, you can tell that from listening to the ground?”

Indian replies, “Nope, bitch just ran me over.”

65

Three Indian squaws,
No 1 slept on a buffalo hide
No 2 slept on a deer hide
No 3 slept on a hippopotamus hide

Squaw 1 has baby boy
Squaw 2 has baby boy
Squaw 3 has twin baby boys

Which is more proof that…

The Squaw on the hippotamus is equal to the sum of the Squaws on the other two hides.

66

Language jokes…reminds me of this one:

This school bus driver gets assigned to a new route. His bus is for younger kids, so it’s nicely decorated with Sesame Street characters.

Driver gets to his first stop, and there’s two of the fattest six-year olds he’s ever seen. “What’s your names?” he asks. They both answer “Patty” and stomp onto the bus. “Two Pattys? Weird.” he thinks.

The perplexed driver continues to the next stop, where he sees a dopey-looking kid with his finger up his nose. Letting the kid on, he asks, “What’s your name?” “My name’s Ross!” he shouts. “My momma says I’m special!”

He continues to his third stop, where a normal-but-quiet type of kid is waiting. Asking for his name, the kid replies, “Leonard Keyes.” Leonard proceeds to the back of the bus.

The driver is about halfway to the school when a smell akin to brie cheese passes by his nose. It’s coupled with a strange clipping sound the driver can’t identify. Concerned, he pulls over and checks over the three kids. The fat Pattys and Ross are fine. The driver is disturbed to find that Leonard has his shoes off and is picking at his bunions. Disgusted, he orders Leonard to get his damn shoes back on.

After dropping the kids at school, the driver goes home for lunch. His wife asks, “How’s the new route, dear?”

“Terrible,” he responds…

“I’ve got two all-beef Pattys, Special Ross, and Leonard Keyes picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”

67

Ding Ding Ding! TWO winners in a row! :smiley:

68

My version has two obese Pattys and Lester Cheef.

69

I don’t know why this one cracks me up, it just does:

So this guy is watching TV in his living room when he hears a noise at the front door.
He opens the door, looks around, and doesn’t see anybody.
He looks down at his feet and sees a snail on the threshhold.
He picks the snail up and throws it as far as he can into the night.

Six months later the same guy is watching TV and hears a noise at the front door.
He opens the door, looks around and finally sees a snail on the theshhold.
The snail looks up at him and says, “What the fuck was that all about?”
Alternatively:

Q: What’s worse than finding half a worm in an apple?
A: Getting hit by a big truck.

70

There once was a man named Isiabettiesviennascevitch(sp?) (prounounced, Eyes-a-betty-vienna(like the city)-scev-itch, all one word) who decided to work on a whaling ship in lake Michigan. Anyways he was new to the job and foreign, and the rest of the crew didn’t like him much so they gave him the most dangerous jobs.
One day he was mopping the deck and, from out of no where, a wave comes out and sweeps him off the deck. Everyone is sure that he’s goner. Then they see him, grabbing on to the side’s of his boat and climbing up, finally he gets to the top, grabs his mop, and gets back to work. Everyone is amazed! they say “Isahbetty Isahbetty, are you all right, are you OK?” He just looks at them with scorn and says. (with stong russian accent) My name is Isiabettiesviennascevitch! And I am Rough! And I am Tough! and I am used to hardships!"
A week later they decide to let him steer for awhile, suddenly, a storm comes out of nowhere, and a freak bolt of lightning hits him! He just stands back up though, extinguishes a few fires on his clothes and wipes off some dust, and gets back to work. Once again everyone crowds around and says"Isahbetty Isahbetty, are you all right, are you OK?" Once again he just looks at them with scorn and says. (with stong russian accent) My name is Isiabettiesviennascevitch! And I am Rough! And I am Tough! and I am used to hardships!" (You may add more if you are feeling creative or mean)
A week later he is on the crow’s nest, looking for whales. Sudennly theres a strong gust of wind (they get alot of freak weather) and Isiahbetty is literally blown off the crows nest, Down he falls and Crash, through the first floor, Crash, through the second floor and then DONG! he hits the iron bottom (I’m aware it was wood earliar, its just a joke). Everyone is sure he is dead, a crowd gathers around the first hole and people take off their hats. The captain is about to say a few words when someone gasps, they see Isahbetty start to climbs up through the hole his body made in the second floor, and then up back onto the deck. Everyone is amazed and says"Isahbetty Isahbetty, are you all right, are you OK?" He just looks at them with scorn and says. (with stong russian accent) My name is Isiabettiesviennascevitch! And I am Rough! And I am Tough! and I am used to hard ships!"

71

First day of school. Teacher is asking names. Comes to one little boy who replies “My name is ‘Asshole’.” Teacher is horrified: “Tell me your name right now or there’s going to be trouble.”

Kid: “I tol’ ya, my name is ‘Asshole’.”

Teacher: “I’m sending you home to tell your mother why you’ve been suspended from school.”

Kid (turning to his brother): “C’mon Shithead, she ain’t goin’ to believe you either!”

72

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

73

Just heard this one today, as part of a sermon, no less…

A tycoon is sailing his yacht through the waters of the Bahamas. A ferocious storm comes up, and throws the man and his only crew member off the boat. They land on a rocky, uninhabited spit of land. No trees are visible, and the ground is barren, so there is no food nor shelter in sight. Yet the skipper begins to chuckle with glee, and cannot stop laughing. His first mate is, naturally enough, befuddled.

“How can you be so jolly at a time like this?”

“Well, as you know, I’m a very wealthy man. Three years ago, I decided to start giving back. I donated $250,000 to Harvard, my alma mater, and a like amount to my church. Two years ago, my father died, and left me enough to allow me to donate half a million dollars to Harvard, and another 500 grand to my church. Last year, I sold off some of my real estate, and gave Harvard and the church a million bucks each. And this year, I made a real killing in the stock market.”

“Still, what good is all that money to you now? And what about me? I’m young and poor, and haven’t had the chance to enjoy life as you have.”

“Don’t worry. This is the month Harvard and the church both conduct their annual fund-raising drives. Believe me, they’ll find us!”

74

Three women were on their way to their nursing school reunion, when they were in a wreck and died.

When they got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked the first one what she had done in life. She replied, “I was an emergency room nurse. I helped doctors work on severely injured and ill patients. It was hard, stressful work, but we saved a lot of our patients, and i’m pretty proud of what I have done.”

St. Peter opened the gate and said, “Enter, you are most welcome in the Heavenly Kingdom. Enjoy your eternal reward.”

He then turned to the second woman and asked her what she’d done in life. “Well,” she said, “I was a hospice nurse. We worked hard to make our patients as comfortable as possible. No, none of them survived, but we tried our hardest to make sure that they were comfortable and comforted until the very end.”

St. Peter opened the gate and said, “Enter, you are most welcome in the Heavenly Kingdom. Enjoy your eternal reward.”

He then turned to the third woman, who laughed and said, “I took my expertise into a different area of medicine. I worked as a benefit coordinator for the largest HMO is the United States. We provided adequate care for our clients and still managed to give our investors a great return on their money.”

St. Peter got down a huge book, looked through it, figured out several formulae on his calculator, rechecked the book, consulted another book, flipped a coin and scribbled on a notepad for about five minutes. He then turned to the woman and said, "OK, I can let you have a week in Purgatory and 2 days in Heaven, but after that… "

75

What’s yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey sick!

76

A man comes home from work to find his wife sitting on the front steps with her bags packed and beside her. He asks her where she is going, she answers I am going to Las Vegas, I heard that women there can make $400.00 dollars a night for what I give you free

Her husband goes inside and comes out a few minutes later with his bags packed. His wife asks him where he thinks he’s going, the man says * I’m going with you, I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year*

77

Two guys sat on a park bench catching some rays.

First guy “Nice out isn’t it?”

Second guy “It’s nicer in”

78

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman having a drink in a bar.

Scot says “Aye back home in Glasgow there’s this bar called Mc Tavishes and if ye buy 4 drinks the landlord buys you a fifth one”.
“Really” says the Englishman “Well in my local, The Red Lion, if you buy two drinks the landlord will buy the third for you”

“That’s nothing” says Patrick “Back in Dublin if you walk into a bar called O’Sheas all your drinks are free and the landlord will see to it that you get laid after”

The Scot and English pour scorn on this statement and ask Patrick if it has happened to him.

“Never been in the bar” says Patrick “But my sister Bridget has”

79

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip!

:smiley:

80

A woman is in the Hallmark store walking up and down the aisles saying “Nope,” “Nope, that won’t work,” “Hmmm, nope, that won’t do.” The clerk comes up and says “May I help you find something?” The lady responds “Do you have a card that says ‘I’m sorry I laughed at your dick?’”

For some reason, I just love that stupid joke.