From Curb Your Enthusiasm:
Cheryl: What happened to the cookies?
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies!
Cheryl: You ate the baby Jesus!
Larry: I thought he was a monkey!
Larry: So your last name is Black?
Loretta Black: Yes
Larry: That’s like if my last name was Jew. Larry Jew.
Larry (to Cheryl’s bald lawyer): I can call you bald. It’s like black people calling each other nigger. Hey, baldie!
That was “Homer in Space”, which has many great lines.
“Quiet you!” - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon
“Sent away.” - Blackjack-Happy NASA goon
“Second comes right after first!” - Buzz Aldrin
“I figured if anyone knew where to find Tang, it’d be you!” - Homer, to Bill Clinton
SEINFELD
Elaine has just caved in on “The Contest” after meeting John F Kennedy, Jr:
GEORGE: What happened? I thought you’d cruise through spring, at least!
ELAINE: (Sheepishly) It was … John-John.
GEORGE AND JERRY: Ahhh, John-John!
THE SIMPSONS
The one-eyed aliens Kang and Kodos ring the front doorbell. Homer answers it.
HOMER: EEK! MORMONS! :eek:
Benson
(Clayton has decided to sue Benson for slander. In court he acts as his own counsel; Benson does likewise. Clayton prepares to call Miss Kraus to the stand. She has been rehearsing for her upcoming role as emcee for a local function and has been learning some jokes.)
Clayton: I call to the stand the lovely Ms. Gretchen Kraus!
Benson: Your Honor, I object! Counsel is deluding the witness!
Judge: Objection overruled. The court calls Gretchen Kraus.
Kraus: But my line is always busy!
Benson: Your line isn’t even connected!
Emergency!
(Chet Kelly has appointed himself the dietician of Station 51. He shows the other guys a diet book he follows. He says the major cause of sickness is food.)
Roy: Then it’s simple. We just eliminate food from our diet!
Captain Stanley: What’s the title of that book, Kelly?
Johnny: How to Survive on No Meals a Day.
’ALLO, 'ALLO
The British spy masquerading as a gendarme orders coffee in the local bistro using his awful “French”:
BRITISH SPY: Please, could I 'ave a spune for my kiffee?
FRENCH WAITRESS: (Putting a dish with a tart on the table in front of him) Here. I brought you some pee.
OK - I’m drunk and grew up as a potty-mouth to make my older siblings laugh and not thrash me - but god help me - this just makes me laugh: Father Ted - Feckin Mrs Doyle - YouTube.flv - YouTube
Father Ted
FWIW, I must point out that *gendarme * is not synonymous with “police officer” in French. It refers to a soldier on police duty. According to Tom Burnam, “The French word for ‘policeman’ is simply *police. * The French even pronounce it correctly.”
Well, pardonnez-moi! :dubious:
Another one from 3rd Rock from the Sun:
Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!
Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!
One from Homer Simpson:
…and that’s when the C.H.U.D.'s came after me
Yes. As Benny Hill pointed out, “Not a lot of people know that.” 
Magnum, P. I.
(Higgins is standing just inside the door to Magnum’s cottage with The Lads (the Dobermans Apollo and Zeus), arguing with Magnum. Magnum makes an angry remark to Higgins.)
(The Lads growl.)
Magnum: And that goes for you, too!
(The Lads whimper.)
’ALLO, 'ALLO (again)
Rene is trying to call London on the secret radio hidden in a bedpan under his invalid mother-in-law’s bed.
**
RENE:** 'Allo, 'allo! This is NIGHT HAWK. Can you hear me?
M-I-L: Of course I can hear you!
MARRIED … WITH CHILDREN
KELLY: Eurethra!
Actually, the quote was “The same thing happened to MMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!” As only John Lithgow could squeal.
THE SIMPSONS
Homer is auditioning for the lead in a biopic about Mr Burns. He has to deliver just one line: “Excellent!”
**HOMER: ** Exactly! [PAUSE] D’OH! :smack:
According to Kermit Schafer, an announcer blooped the introduction of a famous soul singer by calling her “Urethra Franklin”!
’ALLO, 'ALLO (more)
The British spy masquerading as a policeman answers the phone at the station in his awful “French”:
SPY: 'Allo? What’s that? Your pissy is up a trrree?!?
FAWLTY TOWERS
Basil has just learned about Manuel’s pet rat.
SYBIL: Well, we can’t turn him loose outside. He’ll just come back into the hotel.
BASIL: Oh, that’s brilliant! We ought to put you on Mastermind! “Next contestant, from Torquay: Sybil Fawlty. Subject: The bleeding obvious!”
Which reminds me of this line from The Young Ones:
“Open up! It’s the pigs!”
-Neil, the hippie, who has gotten a job as a policeman