And of course, its Harry Knowles
And i would pick Roger Ebert’s ‘Freddy got fingered’ review simply for the line ‘This is not a bottom of the barrel movie. It is not even below the bottom of the barrel, it does not deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as barrels!’
Well, I kinda like the reviews I did for Movieline back in the '90s, but then, I’m biased . . .
The Onion’s reviews often have great lines.
Reindeer Games:
“…Kruger’s script doesn’t require suspension of disbelief so much as it requires viewers to abandon knowledge of the material world altogether.”
Analyze That:
"…Analyze That picks up where its predecessor left off: at a logical endpoint requiring no sequel. "
Almost makes the film worthwhile. Almost. :rolleyes:
Joe Bob Briggs. This site is a little out of date, but Joe-Bob’s Drive-In movie reviews are classics. My personal favorite is his review of Frankenhooker. A used-book store might have copies of his books, Joe-Bob Goes to the Drive-In and Joe-Bob Goes Back to the Drive-In.
Joe Bob Briggs. This site is a little out of date, but Joe-Bob’s Drive-In movie reviews are classics. My personal favorite is his review of Frankenhooker. A used-book store might have copies of his books, Joe-Bob Goes to the Drive-In and Joe-Bob Goes Back to the Drive-In.
I remember these. They were great.
I’ll second The Onion reviews.
Their bad reviews are so much more entertaining than the good ones.
A now-defunct computer game site had the best review title of all time: Dungeons and Dragons Movie Fails Saving Throw Against Sucking Ass.
Daniel
The Filthy Critic is the alter-ego of a small time amateur filmmaker. His choice of language may put some off, but many reviews are hilarious.
From the current review of Willard:
Awful because it’s such a lame and unoriginal hack job full of tired ideas dressed up with pretty lighting. I got the sense director and writer Glen Morgan must think he’s really clever and “out there”, but so does an annoying receptionist who says her life should be a sitcom and constantly tells people “they broke the mold after me” because she loves “Dilbert” so much.
I’ve never actually seen this one, and it’s hard to represent in print, but…
[Glenn Miller’s Pennsylvania 6-500 plays]
I I I I I I I I
I I I I I I I I
I I I I I I I I
[just in time with the singers:]
Transylvania 6-5000 stinks! Leonard Maltin, Entertainment Tonight.
When I saw the thread title I instantly thought of Ebert’s Freddy Got Fingered review. Since that’s been mentioned, I’ll add Mister Cranky’s review for Where the Heart Is.
Thank you, darling. “I am big—it’s the movie magazines that got small!”
Once upon a time the TV insert in the Sunday New York Times actually offered a very brief editorial comment on any movies in that week’s schedule. Back then there were only 10 channels, so they had a lot more room…
Anyway, one night their one-liner on the submarie potboiler Run Silent, Run Deep was “Ran noisy, ran shallow.”
I once followed the link in our very own Cervaise’s sig to his MovieGeek Central homepage. You simply have to read his review of BattleField Earth . It is a bit long, but well worth it. Opening lines?
Oh.
My.
God.
My favorite was Roger Ebert’s review of Monsters, Inc..
I’d like to nominate the movie for which Mr. Cranky had to add a new basement to his rating system, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. Some quotes:
I recommend to you Ebert’s book I Hated, Hated Hated This Movie. Some of the reviews in there, which are from before 1985 and can’t be found elsewhere, are utterly freakin’ hilarious.
Some standouts: Food of the Gods, Lord Shango, I Am Curious (Yellow).
What are the famous one word reviews? The only one I can think of is (I think) Ebert’s review of Isn’t it Romantic?, which was simply, “No.”
I’d like to nominate Mike Nelson’s Movie Megachees. It’s really excellent dry humor. Some of the best lines:
“Road House is the single finest American film. Surely it stinks, but I believe the filmmakers meant it to, and succeeded grandly.”
“If you are a narcoleptic, alcoholic 11-year-old, then I can heartily reccommend the Batman series entire!”
“I’d like to thank the internet movie rental service which allowed me never to say to another human being, ‘I’d like to rent Lost in Space, please’.”
Ebert’s review of North was hilarious. Even funnier was hearing it get read at Rob Reiner’s Friars Club roast.
“I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated it. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.”
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you slam a movie.