19 posts and no Groucho?
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside, it’s too dark to read.”
“Rectum? It nearly killed him!”
“I got two words for you…shut the fuck up”
DeNiro in Midnight Run
Rodney Dangerfield again, in Caddy Shack, I think? Speaking to the chef of the golf club:
“Give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee.”
“The other day I fucked a Chinese chick. An hour later I was horny again.”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
-Steven Wright
I’m sorry. I know this is the one-liner thread and all, but I’ve heard this one a few times, and I don’t know what the setup is. Anyone care to enlighten me?
Wasn’t that in the Simpsons episode where he’s Mr Burns’ long-lost son?
The definite thread on this subject.
“Remind me to talk about your definition of ‘fun’ some time.”
Always useful whenever you’re in a fix and some wiseacre asks if you’re having fun…
[carlin]
I never fcked a 10 but one night I fcked five 2’s and I think that should count.
[/carlin]
Heh, I should’ve known there’d be a thread on this. Thanks. 
Here ya go. Laugh your ass off. 
I’m going to get a tattoo of myself, only taller.
I have a love of animals that’s almost…illegal.
If there’s an earthquake, it won’t be Saint Andreas’s fault. ( I think it’s funny even out of context )
“BUCK FIFTY BUCK FIFTY BUCK FIFTY!”
ObGroucho: “Time Flies like an arrow, Fruit Flies like a Bananna.”
The second one is a quote from Hal?
It’s from some skinny, weird looking comedian whose name I don’t recall. He also said “We’re building nuclear weapons like there’s no tommorrow”, and “When I was born they broke the mold, but most of it grew back” .
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
The last line is from the comedian Emo Phillips
That site attributes a lot to Wright that really doesn’t sound like his style. “Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.” I don’t think he’s the one who came with that old chestnut.