Easy question. What is the funniest one-liner you know?
You’re going to need a bigger boat.
Most of what we end up calling one liners still need some sort of set up. Doesn’t need to be verbal, just a set up.
Rodney Dangerfield: “I went to see the proctologist; he stuck his finger in my mouth!”
Or any of a million other of his jokes.
And then the priest said - “I am never going to trust a transvestite again!”
My friend Sam always gets lot of women because of his job; he’s a rapist.
Everybody hated me at school because I was so popular.
…and then they made me their chief.
“Everyone pair up in groups of three then line up in a circle.”
Not sure if it counts as a one-liner, though.
“As God once said, and I think rightly…”
- General Montgomery
Always been my favourite…
The wisecrack from tonight’s episode of Law and Order:
Detective Briscoe* (Jerry Orbach)*, handcuffing a suspect, “You’ve heard of the seven rings of Saturn, these are the two rings of Rikers.”
Always a smart ass, that one.
Shut up, he explained.
You strike me as the kind of guy who is observationally funny - you comment on everyday things that you think we can all relate to - such as “you know when you get nervous and strangle the hooker?”
Didja hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Then there was the near-sighted quail…that went off on a lark.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Borrowed from Homer Simpson:
“Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand…”
Hello, he lied.
Another Homer Simpson:
“To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!”
Henny Youngman was the acknowledged ‘King of the One-Liners’. His trademark line:
“Take my wife… please!”
He also once told Dolly Parton on the Tonight Show: “I had a terrible nightmare – I dreamed you were my mother, and I was a bottle baby.”
Rodney Dangerfield sort of inherited his mantle:
“I met the surgeon general… he offered me a cigarette.”
“My twin brother forgot my birthday.”
“I got into a fight with a midget… he ran between my legs throwing punches.”
They’ve got a million of 'em.
“no, no, doctor, you were supposed to remove the left kidney…”
“Is that a gun in you pocket, or are you glad to see me?”
*or banana, pickle, phaser, cell phone, roll or quarters, moose, etc.
“I threw an Embittered Single People party on Valentine’s Day, but nobody else showed up.”
Amusingly, that one is also absolutely true.