If you keep the same rhyme scheme, it becomes (I’ll put it in a spoiler box and issue a warning: DO NOT OPEN IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED)
CHUCK’S FUCK & SUCK
From “I am Furious Yellow”:
Smarmy radio announcer: “Don’t you HATE IT when carpet stores charge you extra for underpadding?!?!”
Homer: “I hate. THEM. SO. MUCH!!!”
And from the episode where Burns hires the softball ringers:
Mike Sosa is dying of radiation poisoning: “Can’t…lift…arm…or…speak…at…normal…rate…”
Later in the same episode:
Homer: America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They’re nothing but hideous space reptiles. (He unmasks Kang and Kodos)
(audience gasps)
Kodos: It’s true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It’s a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us.
Man 1: He’s right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I’ll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away. (Kang and Kodos laugh)
One of my all time favorites is the barber shop Lisa goes to when she gets gum in her hair.
Turn Your Head and Coif.
And, from the same episode, a rare bit from sideshow mel, “Whatever you do, don’t try to get out gum with a bone!”
My vote is for the skateboard, cliff, helicopter, and ambulance bit. I saw it in a college dorm tv lounge when it was first aired with a large crowd of my friends. We laughed as Homer oofed all the way down the cliff. Then we laughed harder as he was bonked all the way up the cliff. When the ambulance crashed and down the cliff he went again–we were spastic with laughter. That has to be one of the all-time best physical comedy routines ever.
I also love the Inanimate Carbon Rod running gag. I believe it was introduced with the astonaut Homer episode, but it keeps popping up from time to time. Most recently, they flashed an org chart of the nucular plant and Homer was alone at the bottom. His immediate supervisor: the Inanimate Carbon Rod!
Marge suggests Homer take some adult-ed courses:
Homer: Oh, every time I learn something new, it pushes out something else. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk!
Homer: [fondly] And how.
As well as references to Hershey highwaymen and sugar walls.
Marge: I’m worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa’s becoming very
obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke!
It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here.
In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
For a single gag, it’s hard to beat Sherry Bobbins (a totally fictional character!) sailing away from the Simpsons home only to be sucked into the engine of a passing jet.
For a longer sequence, Maggie plotting The Great Escape from the Ayn Rand Day Care Center (sign on the wall: “Sharing is for weaklings”) cracks me up from start to finish.
And for a line that gets past the censors:
“Soon we’ll ALL be taking golden showers! What? Why is everyone laughing?”
Woohoo! Three references to Deep Space Homer, and nobody mentioned the funniest moment ever:
Which finds its way into one of our Doper names, HailAnts.
Okay, I have to give honorable mention to my own favorite bits from the ‘Citizen Kang’ segment as well…
I’ve always been a fan of this line from Homer the Vigilante. Again, it’s all in Homer’s delivery.
Lisa: But Dad, don’t you see? If you’re the police, then who will police the police?
Homer: Iunno. Coast Guard?
A few of my favorites:
Marge : There’s a man here who says he can help you.
Homer : Is it Batman?
Marge : He’s a scientist.
Homer : Batman’s a scientist.
Marge : It’s not Batman!
Lisa: Just try not to freak out the blind man.
Bart: I can’t promise I’ll try. But I’ll try to try.
I also love the Australia phone-prank episode, when Homer gets the bill
1/10 8:45 AM 16 DD Santiago, Chile $15.40
INT-2XL-1231A
1/10 9:03 AM 14 DD Antarctica Naval Res. Station $21.43
INT-3X1-4532
1/10 9:21 AM 8 DD New Ouagadougou $17.84
INT-1J2-B743A
1/10 9:34 AM 17 DD Burkina Faso $29.02
INT-5X3-9503A
1/10 9:55 AM 9 DD Unnamed Settlement $38.41
INT-7X2-3024A
1/10 10:10AM 21 DD Disputed Zone $38.19
INT-2X7-4598X
Homer: Burkina Faso? Who called all these places
Homer’s Brain: Quiet! It might have been you. Just write a check and I’ll release some more endorphins
[Homer writes the check, and then shivers and sinks to the ground in delight]
They repeated the bit in Skinner’s Sense of Snow in which a blizzard traps the kids at the elementary school:
Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?
Bart: I think its ironic that for once dad’s butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
or
Ralph: What, me fail English? That’s unpossible!
or
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.
or
Homer’s ghost: “Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.”
Marge: “Well I’ve got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house…”
Homer’s ghost: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus!”
From the same episode, when Lisa goes over to Nelson’s house there’s a poster hanging in his room that has a picture of a mushroom cloud and whales flung in every direction.
Lisa (reading the poster): Nuke the whales?
Nelson: Gotta nuke somethin’.
Lisa: Touché.
Priceless.
Also, in the episode where the Simpsons go to Australia because Bart has to give his apology, there’s an hilarious scene where Marge goes to a bar to order coffee.
Marge:I would just like a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No coffee.
Bartender: Beer
Marge: Coff-ee.
Bartender: Be-er?
Marge: C-O-
Bartender: B-E-
It moves me to tears!
Bart and Millhouse are in an abandoned warehouse. An old guard says “Is there anybody there?” and they run off. Then the guard says in his old-man voice:
“Why do I always ask if there’s anyone there? It just gives 'em a chance to run away. Well, I’m an idiot.”
A visual moment: Bart hooks up a bunch of megaphones together and all the windows in town break; cut to a shot of Professor Frink doing something with an octopus in a glass tank - the glass breaks, and the expression on the octopus’ face as he makes eye contact with Frink just before he attacks him cracks me up every time.
Another one from Homer in Space:
Homer: We’ll just breath the air in space.
Astronaut: Thetre’s no air in space
Homer: There’s an air ‘n’ space museum.
And you can’t forget Smithers’s response: “You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.”
Honorable mention:
From the episode in which Lisa confronts a bully: Prof. Frink is trying to restore order in a “genius scientists” convention.
Prof. Frink (slightly paraphrased): People, people, let’s calm down, settle down now…(exasperated look from Frink as everyone chats)…PI IS EXACTLY THREE!"
(Horrified gasps from all scientists, leading to silence.)
Prof. Frink: I’m sorry to have to subject you to that ordeal…
Unquestionable Funniest Simpsons moment…EVER!:
The First Springfield Congregation’s rendition of “In the Garden of Eden” (Ina Gadda Da Vida).
Rev. Lovejoy: “Wait a minute! These lyrics sound suspiciously like rock and / or roll!”