Woman: Don’t talk about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!!!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
Kent Brockman: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: democracy just doesn’t work!
Moe: They think they’re so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
Chief Wiggum (after the who shot Burns question was answered): Yeah, right pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. …Maybe Texas.
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Ralph Wiggum (my favorite): What’s a diorama?
Homer: Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Marge- Homer, it’s so easy to criticise.
Homer- Fun, too.
This is so hard because there are at least two really good lines in each episode. Some favorites:
Lunch Lady Doris: “More testicles means more iron.”
Homer reciting “The Raven”: “‘Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, ‘art sure no craven,’” accentuating “craven” while addressing the viewer to emphasize the lengths Poe went to force rhymes of “raven.” Edited out of the syndicated version.
Nelson- Nothing catches trout like the German light infantry.
Mr Burns- Who the devil are you?(while Homer is standing in front of grafiti that says “I am Homer Simpson”)
Homer- Run boy Run! Now he’s got the taste of Blood!(after Homer threw a steak to distact the dog chasing Bart).
Homer- Take that Einstein! Eat lead Zombie Shakespeare!
Tentacled Alien- Don’t worry, some day the Human’s will create a Board so big, with a nail so large, they will destroy themselves, Bwahahahaha
(Okay, okay, the quotes might not be particularly accurate, but they get the basic idea and I’m really drunk).
Homer, on Burns’ porch: What are you going to do? Release the bees? Or the dogs? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth, so when the bark, they shoot bees at you?
Ralph: My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Ralph: Doctor said my nose wouldn’t bleed so much if I just kept my finger out of there.
Ralph: I bent my wookiee.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking.
Homer: Rock stars, is there anything that don’t know?
Smithers’ PC on boot up: You’re very good at turning me on (in Burns’ voice).
Homer: Must protect the sugar. Sugar brings teh money, money brings the power, power brings the women.
When Homer tries selling sugar he says one of the funniest lines that I can think of. It’s just such an absurd reference. I don’t even know what it’s parodying, if anything, but it’s just plain hilarious.
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors – oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”
Rev. Lovejoy…‘This sounds like rock and/or roll!’
Cheif Wiggum…‘Where’s you’re Messaih now?’
Homer…‘Save me Jebus!’
Bart…‘All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.’
