One of the bully guys catches Nelson kissing Lisa Simpson: “Dude, you kissed a girl! That is so GAY!”
Yeah, I know, I’ve already some favourite lines but I just remembered these ones:
Frank Grimes (watching Homer at lunch): My God! He eats like a pig!!!
Lenny: I dunno, pigs tend to chew their food. I’d say he eats more like a duck.
Mulder: Look at this, Scully, there’s been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We’ve got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there’s also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: Pfft! I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
Barney: Hello, my name is Barney and I’m an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can’t admit you have a problem?
Big Brother receptionist: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you want to be a Big Brother?
Homer’s brain: Don’t say revenge. Don’t say revenge.
Homer Jay Simpson: Uh… revenge?
Homer’s brain: Okay, that’s it. I’m outta here.
{i]sounds of footsteps followed by a door slamming*
Well, this one really isn’t all that funny, but anytime I’m scratching off a lottery ticket I remember it:
HOMER (scratching off lottery ticket): Liberty Bell…Liberty Bell…DOH! That Stupid puple fruit!
Homer: “You don’t like your job…you don’t strike. You just learn to do it really half-assed.”
Too crazy for boytown, too boyish for crazytown.
Ralph Wiggum: “The doctor says I wouldn’t get so many nose-bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.”
Words to live by…
I love the original Burn’s response as shown in the “outtakes” show when Homer says “Do your worst!”.
“Do my worst, eh? Smithers! Release the robotic Richard Simmons!”
Also…
Homer is impersonating Mr. Burns at the post office–
Postal Clerk: What’s your first name, Mr. Burns?
Homer: I don’t know.
From the Halloween episode where Burns removes Homer’s brain–
Burns: Smithers! Hand me that ice cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice cream scoop??
Burns: Dammit Smithers, this isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery!
From the Shining parody–
Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer… something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do!
[Marge ends up locking him in the freezer]
Marge: You can stay in here until you’re no longer crazy.
Oh, and…
After blowing his wishes and seeing Flanders making good on his…
Homer: I wish I had a monkey’s paw.
Homer (reaching under the couch searching for a peanut): Ohh, 20 dollars. I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Skinner: “The children are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms!”
Willie: “I warned ya, that colored chalk was forged by satan himself!”
Well, we did this thread a couple months ago
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=23457
But I certainly have no objection to a good Simpson’s lines thread. In fact, I think it should be done routinely every few months or so.
In addition to above thread I’ll just add:
Barney: (tripping on peyote, then drinking to ease his bad trip in the George Carlin episode) thanks Pinky, you’re always there for me.
In the one where Flander’s house is destroyed by the storm:
Maude (correct me if I have the name wrong, but Flander’s wife): Oh Neddy I was so scared, I thought I was heading for the eternal bliss of heaven.
I don’t usually remember the funny lines from the Simpsons. I do occasionally read lists of Bart’s blackboard openings. Since I have a terrible memory, they always seem new to me.
Some of my favourites…
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge
I will not prescribe medication
I will not yell “She’s Dead” during roll call
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
Ralph won’t “morph” if you squeeze him hard enough
Rudolph’s red nose is not alcohol-related
Fridays are not “pants optional”
Pork is not a verb
“Non-Flammable” is not a challenge
I was not touched “there” by an angel
In case anyone else likes reading them:
Chief to Ralph:
What is your obsession with my forbidden closet of mystery?
My favorite Simpson’s line of all-time:
Lisa: “Hey mom, what’s Santa’s Little Helper doing to that girl dog.”
Bart “It looks like he’s trying to jump over her and can’t quite make it. C’mon Santa’s Little Helper, you can do it!”
During a Halloween episode:
Homer: Eggheads—whuddothey know
Homer being chased by a mad rhino,( just before Marge saves him in her Canyonero-the 4x4 that’s endorsed by a clown!) " Jesus, Allah, Buddah! I love you all!"
“Smithers, release the hounds.”
“I choo-choo choose you!”
God bless Ralph Wiggum!
Ralph: Miss Hoover sent me to Principal Skinner one day when I was dirty.
Ralph: I can dress myself!
Todd: It’s a clown!
Rod: Do you think it’s evil?
Todd: It smells evil.
H8, you left out the best part! After Homer hits statue of deer:
Homer: D’oh!
Marge: A deer!
Lisa: A female deer!
Other faves:
Marge’s mother: I was the prettiest girl in Springfield. It drove all my friends crazy!
Homer’s father: What friends?
Marge’s mother: Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald, Frances Farmer, little Sylvia Plath . . .
Lisa: You have to read a book—a real book!
Homer: Isn’t ‘TV Guide’ a real book?
Lisa: No!
Homer: ‘Sniglets?’
Lisa: No!
Homer: Katharine Hepburn’s ‘Me?’
Lisa: No!
Movie producer: It’s “Up and Atom”
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and At Them.
Movie producer: Up and ATOM.
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and AT THEM.