On the Springfield Church signboard after the hurricane:
“God welcomes His victims”
Homer: “Take that, Space Coyote!”
Homer after Marge tells him not to go stalking again:
“All right then, I’m going outside… to… stalk… Lenny and Carl! Ha ha ha- D’oh!”
There are so many that have me doubled-over with laughter, but I can only remember one right now. I used it as my sig line a couple of months ago. It just tickles me…
Apu: [When deciding to have a baby with his wife] “There comes a time in a man’s life when he says to himself, ‘Who will float my corpse down the Ghanges?’.”
(For my favorite ‘Family Guy’ quote, check out my sig line.)
“No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.”
There are so many, though, as Dewaholic pointed out, it’s hard to pick. That one just seems to fit today.
The "A deer!’ comment was said by Lisa, and the “A female deer!” was said by Marge. I love that .wav!
Okay, now for mine (most of them are regular parts of my vernacular now):
Jay, the Critic: Your shoes are untied!
Ranier Wolfcastle: From up here, they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look.
{Ranier stoops down and stares at his feet; Jay books it out of there. Sun sets, hours pass, it gets dark, Ranier finally says:)
Ranier: On closer inspection, these are loafers.
Homer: (While house burns behinds him) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Homer: English?! Who needs that! I’m never going to England!
Marge: A man who calls himself 'you know who," just called and invited you to a certain ‘wink wink’ at the 'you know where.
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Ooh, gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
Bart: Why would anyone want to touch a girl’s butt? That’s where cooties come from!
Lisa: Dad! We have something horrible to tell you!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Lisa and Bart: No…
Homer: Did you raise the dead?**
Lisa and Bart: YES!
Homer: But the car is okay?
Lisa and Bart: Yessss…
Homer: Well, okay then!
(My startup sound for months)
Homer: To start, press any key. Where’s the Anykey?
(Followed by…)
Mr. Burns, obviously edited together by computer: Hello…Smithers…you’re quite good…at turning…me on!
Barney: Aw, this better be the best beer in the world! {slurp} You got lucky!
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer something something…
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don’t mind if I do! WHA bugga lugga lagga…(various neat, funny, crazy sounds follow…)
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That’s unpossible!
Finally…
Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts Bart, and if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine.
Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, boy…Meow meow meow meow (Meow Mix song)…!
Yeah, you could say I like the show.
I think my favorite episodes are the Halloween specials, and some of my favorite lines are from the Dracula spoof:
Lisa: “Mom! Dad! Bart’s turned into a vampire!”
Homer: “Oh Lisa, you and your stories. Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to…that…place, where our beds and TV…is”
From the same episode:
Grandpa: “Kill the boy!!”
Marge: “How did you know he was a vampire?”
Grandpa: “Barts a vampire?!? Ahhhhh!” [runs out of the room]
Woman: Did something crawl in your mouth and die?
Barney: No, it didn’t die.
Magre: Stop picking at it!
Homer: Oh, but I’m so sweet and tasty.
Homer: Ok, if it’ll end horror.
Mr. Burns: :sniff: Do you think, maybe my Power Plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There’s no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: :sniff: Excellent.
Chief Wiggams: As a precaution, we’ve ordered the Egyptian wing of the Museum destroyed.
Marge: Is that Plutonium on your Gums?
Homer: Shut up and kiss me.
Marge: But didn’t Grasshopperous kill the scientists?
Homer: Only because they tried to reason with him.
Barney: My Heart Stopped. ::belches:: Ah, There It Goes.
Ralph Wiggum: “Hi, SuperNintendo Chalmers!”
Too many to choose from. So I’ll narrow it to 3:
Barney (talking to selma or patty): Hey…you’re homer’s sister in law aren’t you. I remember you, but I don’t remember you being so beauURRRRRRRRRRRPtiful.
::Selma/Patty Sprays him with mace::
Arrgh!!..ahhhh!!..Hey is that a new kind of mace? It really painfull
Wiggum: No, no. Dig up stupid!
Dr. Nick: Well, if it isn’t Mr. McCraig. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.
Simpson’s will never die!!
Lisa: “Dad!”
Homer: “Yes Lisa.”
Lisa: "As you know, we’ve been swimming. And we’ve developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Before you respond, you must understand that your refusal will result in months and months of…
Bart+Lisa: “Can we have a pool dad? Can we have a pool day? Can we have a pool dad? Can we have a pool dad? Can we have a pool dad?”
Homer: “I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement by adding chocolate to milk.”
Burns : “We don’t have to be adversaries Homer, we both
want a fair Union contract…”
Homer (To Brain) : Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?"
Burns : “…and if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours!”
H Brain : “Wait a minute, is he coming onto me?”
Burns : “I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what’s the harm?”
H Brain : “Oh my God! He is coming onto me!”
Burns : "After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows,
[Friendly Laugh]
H Brain : “Arggh!”
Homer : "Sorry Mr Burns, but I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Homer : “A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michaelmelangelo?”
There’s just way too many to get through them all… but I hadn’t seen these ones listed yet. If they are, then… “D’oh!”
Homer: You know me Marge, I like my Beer cold, my T.V. loud, and my homosexuals flaaaaaaaaming.
Homer: If the bible’s taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girl’s sports, like mud wrestling, and roller derby and such-and-such.
Marge: That’s your answer to everything ‘live under the sea’ It’s not going to happen!
Homer: (after lisa asks if they have any fruit to eat at his work) This donut has purple stuff in the middle… purple’s a fruit…
Ralph Wiggum: Mr. Simpson, these tar fumes are making me dizzy.
Homer: Yeah, they’ll do that.
Bart (returning from swap meet & holding a bong): Look at this cool pencil holder I got.
Lisa: Ewww, it smells like Otto’s jacket.
Ralph Wiggum: Mr. Simpson, these tar fumes are making me dizzy.
Homer: Yeah, they’ll do that.
Bart (returning from swap meet & holding a bong): Look at this cool pencil holder I got.
Lisa: Ewww, it smeels like Otto’s jacket.
When Homer hit the deer, the actual sequence
was
Homer: D’oh
Marge: A deer
Lisa: A female deer.
My favorite line will always be Apu’s
“Oh, Calcutta.” But then, my big deal is
musical theatre.
Thanks for the laughs, folks! Here’s a few more:
(After Lisa tries to point out that you can give any stupid example of something stopping something else - in this case, a ‘magic rock’):
Homer: Lisa, I’d like to BUY that rock.
(When Bart falls and breaks his leg):
Other kid: I think his leg is broken (<-- correct?)
Nelson: I said ‘Ha Ha’!
(When Krusty comes to dinner):
Homer: Oh, we could have seen a monkey.
(later):
Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish?
(After the sugar rush):
Milhouse: Let’s go crazy - Broadway Style!
(After Apu’s show stopper):
Homer: He lied to us in song - I hate when people do that.
(Homer stops the monorail with an anchor on a giant donut):
Homer: Donuts - is there anything they can’t do?
Henry"rumour has it I used to be Iguana"Spencer
Groundskeeper Willie to some French people: “Bonjjjourrrrrr, ya cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!”
Homer to the Reader’s Digest person: “I like your increasing word power section. It’s really, really, really, really, (pause) good.”
Apu- Shiva H. Vishnu!
Homer to Bart:
“Any pathetic loser can try! I need you to win!”
Moe: “Is there an Al Coholic here?”
Willie (in the future, when Bart’s failed rock band is being protected from thrown debris by a forcefield): “The shields can’t take much more!”
Bart (talking about an abandoned prison he and the bully gang are sneaking into): “All the ghosts are trapped in Hell forever.”
Homer says:
“It takes two to lie; one to lie and one to listen.”
Ralph saying “This is the rock where I saw the leprecaun. He tells me to burn things.”
When Homer tells Lisa, “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t
understand.”
Lisa: “Perhaps there is no moral to this story.”
Homer: “Exactly! It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”
“Weasling out of things is what seperates us from the animals. Well,
except the weasels.”
“I’m cold, and there’s wolves after me”
Lisa: Hey mom, what’s Santa’s Litle Helper doing to that girl dog?
Bart: It looks like he’s trying to jump over her, but he can’t quite
make it. Go on boy, you can do it!
‘Ha, Ha, look at this country, you are gay’ (Uruguay)
Homer: I’m not much of a praying man, but save me Superman!
Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal’s rights, but that still
doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That’s okay, honey. I used to believe in things too
Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad
people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Homer: Trying is the first step to failure.
Lisa: You have to let her down easy.
Homer: How about "Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You?
“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!”
“English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.”
Marge: Have you noticed something different about Bart?
Homer: Does he have new glasses?
Marge: No. He seems sad and withdrawn…
Homer: Maybe he misses his old glasses.
Marge: No… I’d like to talk to him about his problems, but I’m afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair…
Marge: Homer! That’s not what I meant!
Homer: It is, Marge, admit it.
“Marge, can you close your eyes? I’m trying to sleep.” (Homer)
Well, that’s leprosy for you! (Burns)
You have to remember the situation to get this one
“All right [sigh], when I say ‘Hello, Mr. Thompson’ and PRESS DOWN ON YOUR FOOT, you smile and nod.”
Lisa : [Gasp] “Oh NO! We left Grampa back at the gas station!”
[Silence]
Lisa : “What about Grampa?”
[Car continues obliviously]
Marge: Homer, why don’t you just go the the adult learning center and
get your degree.
Homer: But Marge, everytime I learn something new it pushes something
old out of my brain.
Marge: Don’t be ridiculous
Homer: Remember that time I took that wine making class, and I forgot
how to drive?
Marge: Homer, You were Drunk!