Funniest thing said without an audience to appreciate it

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Just now I was playing with my daughter before bedtime, and for some reason she grabbed my finger and put it on her nose. I immediately said in my best Yakoff Smirnoff voice, “In Soviet Russia, nose gets you!”

As my only audience at the time was five years old, I was rewarded with nothing but a quizzical look. Sigh. A good line wasted.

2

It’s a good job I wasn’t in the audience, it would’ve been wasted on me too!

3

My wife was telling my daughter about someone she knew who got her daughter a can of Mace as a Christmas present. I said “The family that sprays together stays together”, but they didn’t hear me.