I’m going to win the thread with this one. Buckle your seat belts, because this is quality.
A few years ago, I was monitoring the boys’ dorm at church camp. We were getting ready to go to some outdoor activity, and I made the boys spray on the bug spray. Some of them protested that they didn’t have any bug spray, so I told them to find a boy who had bug spray and use some of his.
So in a few minutes little Matthew, who was born in Korea and was adopted, has a line while he’s hosing down other boys with his industrial strength bottle of bug spray.
ME: Wow, Matthew, that’s very nice of you sharing your bug spray like that.
MATTHEW:
ME: I’ll bet you’re going to be an exterminator when you grow up.
MATTHEW: sigh No, I’ll probably just open up a laundry.
Another church camp story. All of the players are about age 8-9 ish.
MACKENZIE (to me): You know how every month some women get a headache?
MEl :eek: Uhhh… OK???
MACKENZIE: I’ve already started that.
KYLIE: No you haven’t! That doesn’t happen until you’re 30!
And another one. Same age group.
[Casey has to go to the bathroom but is afraid because it’s dark in there. I promise her that I will check it out before she goes in. I knock on the door to the women’s restroom. No answer. I open the door slightly… lights are off. I turn on the lights and peek inside. There’s a huge turd floating in one of the toilets.]
ME: It’s OK. There’s no one in there. And do me a favor and flush that other toilet too.
CASEY: Thanks!
…a few minutes later…
ME: See, I told you it would be OK. By the way, did you flush that deuce?
Ha! My daughter is just one month younger than yours. She was a little tentative with her presents at first, but got into the swing of it pretty quickly. The best belly-laugh of the day was after she had just opened (one of way too many) gifts from my mother. My wife prompted her: “Say ‘Thank-you, Nana.’” Response: “Bye-bye, Nana!” - and back to the tree like The Flash to grab another present to unwrap.
My son’s third birthday party, with as much of the families, from both sides, as we could fit into your little house. He has opened his presents and of course he wants to play with the new toys. With that many people there I let him have a couple of the things that didn’t have small pieces. He was okay with it for a bit, but then he wanted to get the ‘bunch of little pieces’ toy out of the packaging. I told him we had to wait until people left, because there were too many little pieces, and tried to distract him with one of the other new things. Nothing doing. He marched right up to my mother, looked her in the eye, and said, “Why don’t you go home?”
(She looked to me, I explained, she laughed. She thought it was a perfectly logical request.)
Oh, and that was the birthday when she gave him the vest she had knitted for him - the one with the bear figures knitted into the front, with tails in the back. Cute for a little guy. Only thing was, he tore open the paper a bit and saw part of the front of it. Little bear faces. “It’s got eyes!!” He wouldn’t have anything to do with it for days.
Mine was always scared of toys that made any type of noise. Which, of course, these days, is most of them. Any electronic toys she got, I had to take out the batteries or not put any in.
And she was creeped out by the eyes too! She had a baby doll that she put underneath the crib that was in her room (for a baby I babysat) and I said “It’s a baby, so why don’t you put it IN the crib?”
She said, “But then it will SEE me!”
My only kid, so I do worry about eventually getting any grandkids out of her…lol.
When her uncle informed that the Magi and the Baby Jesus and Olentzero and Santa and the Shepherds (yes, we have quite a catalog to choose from) are the parents, the 4yo daughter of a friend, whose presents have never come from any of the fantasy figures, said it was not possible “Mom and Dad are busy working and being my Mom and Dad, they don’t have time to go buy all that stuff!” She was getting her present from Mom and Dad but that’s because that was how they did it in her house, other children got them from whomever - d’uuuuh.
Daddy the militant atheist then took his cousin into the kitchen and spelled out in small words the difference between raising your daughter an atheist and raising her to be kindergarten’s social bomb; uncle wasn’t allowed back into the family room (and dinner) until he’d promised to shut the hell up.
My nephew, who’s almost 23 months, knows that “Uncle” gets stuck in front of proper names (He’s got two uncles), but hasn’t figured out usage yet. So every once in a while, he’ll say “Uncle Daddy” or “Uncle Mommy” or “Uncle Baby” or even “Uncle toy”. It’s not laugh out loud funny, but it’s cute.
Just after Halloween, a friend of mine was in the bathroom preparing to use a tampon, fumbling with the wrapper. LOUD banging on the door and then her 5 year old’s voice… “Hey! Are you eating my candy in there?”
When my oldest was much younger…
In the grocery store one day,
Me: What does a cow say?
Her: Moo
Me: What does a dog say?
Her: Woof
Me: What does mommy say?
Her: No, No!
I don’t have kids yet, so here’s one from my own childhood. The house that I grew up in was large and old-fashioned and had a large pantry with a countertop and lots of cupboards attached to the kitchen. One day when I was five, and just about at eye-level with the counter, while my mom was working in the kitchen, I walked into the pantry and saw something sitting on the counter. It was small, brown, round, and hairy, and it had two round eyes and a little round nose. I ran over to my mom and tugged urgently on her apron. “Mom! Mom! There’s a small furry animal in the pantry!” Mom peered into the pantry and started to laugh. I’d just come face-to-face with a coconut.
