Just for fun.
As everyone probably knows, I love cephalopods.
Oh, and I hate surprise birthday parties.
So last night my husband was teasing me about the worst thing ever, surprise birthday parties, and I said, “I guess it’s okay as long as there’s an octopus present.”
And he asked, “Do you want an octopus present or an octopus present?”
“Both.”
I think I can really get behind this idea.
Your turn!
One great thing about an octopus present is it can imitate other presents in form and color, too!
My wife has us binging, “Midsomer Murders,” and it occurs to me that, at an average of 6 episodes per season, times 23 seasons, times, roughly, 3 murders per episode, that entire area should be emptied out by murder any day now.
While watching TV news this morning, I grew weary of seeing various Texas politicians sniping at one another and requested a channel change.
A few seconds later we were watching a documentary featuring screaming Bonobos throwing crap at each other. My wife looked up and said: “Sorry. I thought I’d changed the channel. Lemme try again.”
I was walking down a corridor in a hospital once, behind two nurses walking one behind the other. So we were a procession of nurse A followed by nurse B followed by me. Then nurse B turned off and went into a room. Nurse A didn’t see this, and then said something over her shoulder to nurse B who was no longer there. She then turned around and saw me, and said “oh, you’re not the person I’m looking for.” I replied, “yeah, I’ve heard that a lot.”
Perfect.
You should’ve waved your hand horizontally in front of you, then said in your best Obi-Wan voice: “move along”.
Overheard in New Orleans:
“You really should take the steamboat cruise. They have a kaleidoscope and everything.”
The farce is strong with this one.
A young woman lives across the street in a free house provided by her daddy, who moved out of it and into his retirement home years ago. She has had a baby by a long-gone boyfriend, and since then has had a succession of coal-rollin’ truck-drivin’ beaus who park there for a couple of hours and then head out. Then the next guy stops in, and tomorrow, a different guy.
My husband called the house the “Bear Flag”. Even though we are both Steinbeck fans, it took me a few seconds to make the connection and laugh.
Long time ago, a visiting friend of ours happened to walk past our landlady. Without looking up she said “Hello, Mister Cretin”; then she glanced up and said “Oh, you’re not Mister Cretin” to which our friend answered “No, I’m somebody else.”
Facts at his fingertips.
“If my head wasn’t up my ass I’d lose it…”
Happened just this afternoon. My neighbors just got a couple of kayaks an a roof rack to put them on. Their set up is much nicer than mine.
I turn to the wife and say: “Your rack is much better than mine.”
The husband took notice.
100% something I would say.
We were standing on a raised concrete structure in San Francisco. A sign warned folks to not jump into the bay. My companion pointed out the sign and wondered who would be foolish enough to do that.
I replied that, surprisingly, once one person makes the leap, many others often follow them in. It’s pretty obvious why they would do that, I said.
He paused, looked at me sideways, and then groaned.
mmm
My brother and I were waiting in an unusually long line at a bank. The guy behind me muttered to his wife, “Geez! Everybody and his brother is here today!”
I turned and said, “You got that right!”
Pointing, I said, “HE’s my BROTHER!”
I was watching a football game in the downstairs lobby. Someone walks behind me to go to the pop vending machine, looks at the tv, which is showing football players, and says, “You watching football?”
No, I said.
Your brother should have added, “Incredible! My brother’s here too!”
The real lesson behind this, Murder, She Wrote, and any other TV or book series featuring murders, is that the protagonist is truly a dangerous person to be around, and you need to stay far, far away from them!
OK, a couple of my best off-the-cuff quips:
In college, during the Three Mile Island crisis (I am from that area, and was understandably concerned about my parents), I walked up to my then-boyfriend’s dorm suite, just as one of his suitemates said something about “mutant cows from Harrisburg”. I said “Ooom?”.
A few years back, there was some TV show on about scientists, and Enrico Fermi was mentioned. My husband said “Yeah, people don’t realize how bright he was”.
I said “Of course he was. He had TWO PhDs, after all!”.
My husband looked puzzled and said “Huh???”.
“You know, Fermi’s pair o’ docs!”.
And the one that got away:
When my husband worked at a small consulting company, 25ish years back, their phone system rang all calls through the receptionist, who then forwarded them. One day, I called and asked for him, and the receptionist recognized my voice.
Her: “Is this his wife?”.
Me: “Yes”.
Me (a split second later, inwardly): “I should have said ‘Wife? WIFE??? That son of a bitch has a WIFE???’”.
I told my husband this, when the call connected, and he cracked up. He said it was likely just as well, as the receptionist would have been VERY pissed at him for stepping out on me.
MIne was (and I haven’t heard it elsewhere): “If I didn’t have my head up my ass, I’d lose it!”