First, most of you know I don’t get out much. So today, I must have been the Comstock Lode of wit ( and not in my mind, either.) I went to the zoo and then to a very long dinner with friends who are all coworkers of my husbands. I had them all peeing their pants.
At the zoo:
Watching a silverback gorilla walk from point A to Point B in the “realistic” exhibit, one parent pointed to the gorilla and said, " Oh look! A Gorilla!"
Not missing a beat, said in the same voice, " Oh look! Dian Fossey!" ( Only my friend and one other adult got that.)
(As we walked away, I looked at my friend and said, " Let’s go see if Jane Goodall is in the Chimp Exhibit, shall we?")
Still at the zoo: Watching two donkeys hump, or as I should say, one donkey hump the other one while it munched on some grass. All these adults ( and lots of curious but clueless kids.) were watching and all seemed slightly embarrassed to be fascinated by such a display. I said in a rather clear voice, " So that’s how Democrats do “it”."
(I’ve been kicked off twice, so I wanted to enter the above before being booted again.)
Finally, at the bar tonight, my husbands supervisor was explaining the pros and cons of getting a vasectomy. He said, " On one hand, you get snipped because you think after all is said and done, you’ll get more sex."
And I cut in, " And the other hand is getting alot more action ever since."
I had many more zingers at the bar, but considering all I drank was water, its all a blur now. ( and I just arrived home.)
Just wanted to share my wittiness with everyone.
I have said three funny/incredibly stupid things lately:
- I was in Chem Lab and the professor had left sheets of paraffin wax out. I immediatly flashed back to ninth grade biology, when we would pop the stuff like gum. So I grabbed a sheet and when I got to American Pol, I decided to show off to my friends. I made it make the hugely annoying, loud pop sound and my friend Craig goes, “how’d ya do that?” And I answered in a loud, clear voice:
“YOU JUST SUCK IT AND IT POPS!”
Silence. Then some guy said, “Yeah I know how that works!” and everyone busted out laughing (me included.)
- I was at the ChesaPUKE dining hall (as we affectionately call it) and I was eating mashed potatoes and gravy, but apparently at some point I dripped gravy between my legs, and I had on shorts. So I am walking to the tray disposal thingy and I turn to my friends and say,
“MAN, I’VE GOT GRAVY BETWEEN MY LEGS!”
in a whiny voice. Everyone just collapsed with laughter while I turned bright red.
- The last one, a Freudian slip. See, my friend sent my some Playgirls and I finally read them last night. It was mostly articles and ugly guys, so I just read the articles (really!!) Then in Lit today I mentioned it to my friend, and she goes, “YOU READ PLAYGIRL?!” and started laughing, so I said in response:
“IT’S ACTUALLY VERY TASTY!”
meaning TASTEFUL, but it came out like that. Go figure.
Of course, none of these are due to my amazing wit, just my total lack of censorship. Sheesh!
This isn’t recent, but I consider it one of my best lines. A friend and I were talking about our various quirks, and I said, “I put the ‘oy’ in ‘foibles’.” We both nearly peed our pants over that one.
An employee at work today was telling me how earlier in the day, he had traded in his old car while buying a new one and had mistakenly left the key for his workplace locker on the key ring when he turned it over. He told me he was going to call the dealer in the morning to see if he could recover the key and I told him who he would have to contact to replace the key if he was unsuccessful. As the conversation was winding down, he observed, “This whole thing was my fault.” I looked at him for a second, then replied “Well, yes, it’s not like I had a lot of other suspects.”
I lost a fair bit of weight when my marriage ended a few years back, and I was talking to the ex the other day and said to him, I have about 10 lbs to lose, why don’t you come back into my life and make me miserable again so it will fall off fast?
He laughed… then told me to exercise more lol
This happened to me last week…
I get together with the guys and play basketball about 2-3 times a week. Well, they can be rather physical with me at times, getting in my face and all, and I’m always afraid of getting smacked in the face with the basketball. I made a comment to my friend Terrance about being careful not to hit me in the face with the ball because I really don’t fancy having a broken nose or black eyes. I then said, “I’ve had balls hit me in the face before but not basketballs.”
He was laughing so hard he spit his drink out. I tried to clarify what I meant and then thought… what’s the point. He knew what I meant, he was just twisting my words around!! It was pretty funny though.
I’ve shot milk out my nose, I’ve shot ramen noodles out my nose, and I’ve shot cola out my nose. I must admit, that was the first time I’ve ever shot apple out my nose.
I didn’t actually say this, but I have to share it anyway. I work in an office that is pretty liberal about what gets said. The few women there have raised teenage boys and are not easily offended. For a while though, we had a woman working there that was taking offense and threatening to bring in the language police concerning one man in particular. I offered to talk to him, and for a while he toned things down. Then one day he came off with something pretty unsavory, so I wanted to get his attention to give him a dirty look. Being across the room, I picked up a rubber band and took aim. My aim was low, and as I shot, a supervisor walked between. He was wearing those pants with the flaps over the pockets and one flap was sticking up at the corner. Not only did the rubber band hit him in the ass, but it caught on the pocket flap and stuck there. He didn’t know he’d been hit, but everyone started staring at his butt. My friend knew I shot the rubber band and he asked me about it and I explained it to him. So, he’s staring at this dangling rubber band and he says “I’m thinking that might not be the most effective method of fighting sexual harrasment”
I am sitting at a table with 3 friends playing eurchre last weekend.
my buddy Bill says, “do you guys have anything to eat”
his brother replies, “there’s turkey in the fridge”
Mike,“I’ve got fromunda cheese”(is an explanation necessary)
Bill,“really, how do you spread that”
2 second pause…
my latest words of wisdom: wise man should not throw stones at glass toilet till emptying bowels of wisdom.
I’m a retard, explain it to me…
A colleague had set up most of the details for an upcoming renal (kidney) transplant project meeting. When she had delivered an updated meeting agenda to us, I thanked her for getting all the little things done, then added “I really appreciate how you’re so renal attentive.”
Also, our SVP boss who had been forced to resign a couple weeks ago, intended to ask her boss in a meeting if the hiring freeze was to be lifted. Instead, she asked about the “firing freeze.”
Sorry, but it was funny at the time.
After reading Eve’s hysterical pretend porno movie list (see “ten best movies” thread on MPSIMS), I came up with one last night and told it to my husband, who choked on his spaghetti. “Honey, I Boinked the Kids.” Director: Woody Allen.
Really, Eve, “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” is the funniest single line I’ve read since National Lampoon went downhill.
Was at a baseball game last night, and the ump was calling a horrible game. He was also the shortest ump I’ve ever seen (this is professional ball - if A league can be considered professional).
After a particularly bad call, I yell out, “Hey blue! Midget baseball was Sunday!”
Not entirely funny, but wit and sarcasm is usually lost on the masses.
Fromunda cheese: a pasty compound “from under” a man’s foreskin. You know smegma, dick cheese.
This just happened today, and was mostly a matter of delivery, but…
Apparently the Wampanoag of Gay Head (a town on Cape Cod now often called Aquinna) are all up in arms over the military’s ‘cleanup’ of a former tribal possession, an island five miles offshore named ‘Noman Land’, probably a corruption of “No man’s land”, since it was long used as a military firing range, and unexploded ordinance would spontaneously detonate for many years after it was not in active use.
I walked into a friend’s office as the report was playing on the local NPR radio station. I rolled my eyes, and muttering “Just as I suspected”, turned to leave.
My friend, knowing my penchant for puns, and seeing no shortage of opportunities in the story, chased after me, demanding “What? What?” I demurred, saying it wasn’t worth it. Her secretary and a coworker joined her pleas. After about thirty seconds I relented.
“It’s just that I’ve long suspected that Noman’s an island.”
As you can imagine, I judge puns by the volume of objects thrown.
I said something the other day that was totally unintentionally hilarious, looking back anyway. At the time I was totally mortified. A couple months ago, I was working in a department one floor above the one that I’m working in now, and in that department was this physician’s assistant that I find rather attractive. He’s southern, and VERY polite, which is just too cute, everything’s "yes m’am and no m’am. Anyway, the break room on 5 is closed for construction, so many people on 5 come down to 4 to get a pop or whatever. Anyway, so I’m walking towards the stairwell to go downstairs for lunch, and this PA walks out of the break room and passes me and he says, “going up?” I suppose he was assuming that I was still working on 5. So, I say, “Nope! I’m going down!” It didn’t even dawn on me what I’d said, until he replies “oh my…” at which point I realize, and I turn bright red and make a mad dash for the stairs…
Long story, but will make the person who knows about this smile.