Funny stories from professional settings

I was on a jury in 1997; during the screening procedure, the prosecutor said he was going to address the prospective jurors by the numbers they had been issued in the assembly room for the sake of brevity and saving time. Then he turned to me and said, “Now, Mr. Montgomery…” everybody in the courtroom laughed.
I’d like to hear the Teeming Millions’ funny stories from law, medicine, or any other professional situation. Thanks. :slight_smile:

“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge

Kinda crude, but true.

We were having our weekly staff meeting – small legal office – we go around the conference room table, explain what we’re doing this week.

One of the lawyers was having her usual busy week and commented she was “just trying to keep my finger in the dike.”

Whereupon one of the paralegals began to chuckle. Gradually it dawned on us, and even though she didn’t really need to say anything, Liz was next up and she said “well, I’m trying to figure out how to get all MY work done with Mary’s finger stuck in me somewhere.”

Gotta love lesbians with a sense of humor.

Here’s another one.

One of our former plant nurses was (heck, probably still is) quite attractive, and she was used to guys hanging around for band-aids, aspirin, sutures, etc.

One guy who was really obsessed with her (and who was in counseling) popped in and out one day, more than usual even for him, and she got a bit exasperated and asked him if he shouldn’t maybe go back to work.

He said “have you read my note yet?” She didn’t remember seeing a note, rummaged around her desk a bit and said, “no, go ahead and write me another one.”

He did. Turned out to be a suicide note.

He went from outpatient to inpatient that day, and he’s doing better now.

Hubby belongs to a German Shooting Club. They shoot ( brace yourselves) air rifles or .22’s. (And you wonder why the Allies won the war.) Very serious lot, these guys, until the beer kicks in.

Anyways, one guy in particular was/is a small game hunter. Primarily pheasant. His big trophy was a large pheasant he got many years before. It is his pride and joy of his hunting experience.

At one of the meetings someone mentioned that the club needed some new dead animals to display on the walls. Not to miss a grand opportunity to showboat his stuffed bird, announces, “I would like to have my cock hang on the wall.”

The american born germans, basically my husband and his friends fell off their chairs with laughter. It took the older-off-the-boat-for 30 to-40 years Germans a moment to get it. The man has never lived down saying this.

I was a teaching fellow at a university and (I was not assigned to this class, but my immediate colleagues were) a certain intimidating and well-respected professor was giving an exam to about 250 students with 4 fellows proctoring. He always wore a lapel micorphone (large auditorium). At one point during the exam he went to the men’s room to relieve himself, forgetting to turn off the microphone.
Stop for a moment to imagine this. Savor the image.
Fortunately by the time he retured to the classroom the riotous laughter had ended aside from uncontrollable snickers, and none of the fellows ever dared mention it.

Was grunting involved? Or just the soothing sounds of a manmade waterfall?

I bet it was the sound of poop plopping into the toilet bowl, and the flush, that probably got everyone laughing. :smiley: