Funny tasting water fountain......what do you mean its a Bidet?

So I’m in Dublin last week. Its a 5-star European hotel so it of course has a bidet, or badet, or bedet, or however the hell its spelled. I was drunk one evening, and decided I must have this experience while I’m abroad. I was perplexed on how the hell I was supposed to use this goddamn contraption.

Here I stand, pants bunched up around my feet. I turn the water on and it shoots out across the room between my legs, splashing loudly on the tile. Turing it off quickly I re-aim the nozzle and get the temperature about right. I then notice that this thing lacks a seat. I try to hover but with my feet tangled in my pants, and no handles, my hand slips off the porcelin rim. My ass falls square into the middle of the basin, the faucet just barely missing the sweet spot, avoiding a very imbarassing 911 call. I regain my composure and give it another go, this time gingerly resting my thighs on the chilly narrow rim. After aiming the nozzle where it belongs, I experince what I assume most women understand all too well. Apparently when water runs across your nether regions its not prone to following gravity, but instead clings to your hairy legs. Once i feel my socks beginning to soak, I shift the nozzle and myself to a drier position. While I begin to reconsider the wisdom of this little experiment, I ponder if I should be scrubbing or what. I decide screw that, who knows I might like it to much and never get out of here. After I’ve had as much as my heterosexuality can handle I turn off the water. No small feat when one considers that the damn handles are in that spot on you back that you can never scratch. Now here I sit with my ass soaking wet, a situation I spend most of my waking hours avoiding, all thats around is several white hotel towels. This strikes me as a condition I’d prefer to not subject the cleaning staff too, and I start wadding up toilet paper to pat myself dry.

So, I’m left figuring that this isn’t worth the effort, or else I’m doing it drastically wrong. Can you foreign, or maybe just well cultured dopers explain to me what I missed in this experience? All i discovered was that I’d have probbaly been better served to just take a damn shower.

How does one use a bidet properly?

Im guessing since nobody has answered, nobody knows??!?

When I was in Desert Storm, we had a LOT of prisoners. Their preferred method to take a crap was to squat in the middle of a flat area under a blanket, grab a handfull of pebbles and use them to clean themselves. :eek:

The bidet was in EVERY bathroom I ever saw in the Middle East and every time the Saudi’s would use the bathroom, you would then here them mopping the floor. Maybe there IS no right way for a guy to use one…


<whew> Omni, every time I think I’m tired of you, you pop up with stuff like this and shoot to the top of my books again. I’d post an answer, but I’m truly laughing too hard. Must preview this. I can barely see through my tears. Oh god. Funny, funny stuff.

Just an observation (I’ve never used a bidet, you ain’t gettin’ my ass on one of those things). I don’t think having the water splash all over the place and onto the floor implies you’re using it incorrectly or sloppily (I could be wrong, however). The point is, a considerable number of European bathrooms I’ve been in don’t have shower stalls, either; you just shower right there in the middle of the bathroom, water splashing everywhere, so it’s expected. Was there a drain in the middle of the bathroom floor?

As a side note.
Many Filipinos use what they call a Tabo. It is basically a cup.

Before sitting down at the toilet they fill it with water. Then they have a little soap dispenser near the toilet. After doing what needs to be done, they pour the water down their backside and scrub from the front.

I was living with the Future Mrs. Freedom for 2 years before I knew the mechanics. I always knew what the cup was supposed to accomplish, but the details always eluded me.

I understand your curiousity, and appluad your adventurous spirit. The knowledge is enough for me:)

Believe it or not, there was actually a Staff Report on this subject a while back.

Yep, manhattan beat me to it. I was about to post the same link to the mailbag answer, so here’s a different link instead.,1053,13097,00.html

Sounds to me like those wacky Irelanders changed the setting on the bidet from “clean private parts” to “fireboat” just to see how some clutzy foreigner would deal with it. Check your ceiling tiles for cameras, or go downstairs to the front desk & see if the bellhops are all stifling their laughter & wiping tears from their eyes.

Stay tuned for Ireland’s Funniest Home Videos!

OK, so I read the staff report and it answered none of my questions. It does a decent job of describing what a bidet is, but the “how to use” part is painfully lacking.

I mean how is one supposed to dry of afterwards? Are you supposed to wipe first? Are you supposed to sit or hover?

All this seems like a terrific idea with centuries of poor implemenatation! Come on dopers, someone’s gotta address this.

Maybe you were going about it ass-backwards. I thought you were supposed to turn around, straddling the damn thing, so the handles are in front of you. Butt what do I know?

I considered that, but how are you supposed to do that with your pants bundled up at your feet? You can’t straddle the thing that way.

Dude, you could always kneel.

FWIW, I had a friend from Iran in high school, who thought us Americans were disgusting because we didn’t clean properly “down there”. :wink:

Their method was to wipe first, using toilet paper. Then they had an attatchment to the faucet, basically one of those things you have on the sink to spray the dishes down. They’d wash using the sprayer and their hand and, for the life of me, I can’t remember if he said they dried with a towel or toilet paper.

Good question though, not to mention hilarious OP. The bidets I’ve seen marketed in the US usually have seats on them.

Sigh Here is how you do it. It’s not for washing your butt after you take a shit, it’s for washing your private parts whenever they need to be washed.

Put the plug into the bidet. Fill it up with water like a little bathtub. Sit astride the basin with your groin facing the taps and your back facing out. Now wash your groin and your butt with soap. Rinse. Let the water out. Dry off, and go wash your hands.

Honestly, I knew how to use the bidet the first time I saw it.

I’d sure say these two things go hand in hand.

Anyways, so you’re telling me that you need to completely take off your pants whenever you take a crap? I mean I know your lifestyle is a shade different than mine, but I don’t have cause to scrub down Big Jim and the twins all that often. To be honest, from your description I’d almost say a complete shower sounds about as practical. Not to mention its completely different from the method described in the link provided in that previous staff report.

What are you basing your method of execution on? Just how you first assumed you’d use it when you saw it, or is there some precedent you followed?

Speaking of weird bathroom fixtures (and Omni- I thought you were all knowing? :p)…

I was staying in Paris a while ago, and there was a urinal in the bathroom. Being a female, I did not utilize it (I don’t know if my male companion did…), but is this standard procedure in Europe, to put urinals in regular bathroms? It struck me as odd. But oh well.

No. Like I said, you don’t necessarily use the bidet after you take a crap (do you take a shower after you take a crap?) In fact, in the hotel I was in in Paris, the bidet was in our room but the toilet was down the hall.

All it’s used for is to wash your crotch and your ass when they’re funky but the rest of your body isn’t.

How do I know? Because my parents have a European bathroom decorating book that explains it, that’s how I know.

There are Japanese toilets that have water jets to wash your ass after a shit. They also have padded seat backs and joy stick control to aim the water. The newer ones even have a blower for drying.

I know this because an exchange student showed my Ethnic Studies class pictures of one and explained how it was used. The one he showed us had a little electronic control box on the arm.

Trust me. As a man, I find little appealing in the proposition of a joy stick and a blower next to my bare white ass.

It’s purpose somewhat explained by an old joke I heard many times in Europe, in different variants:

American hotel guest:
Excuse me, is that what you wash the baby in ?

Room attendant:
No ma’am, that’s where you wash the baby out.