So I’m in Dublin last week. Its a 5-star European hotel so it of course has a bidet, or badet, or bedet, or however the hell its spelled. I was drunk one evening, and decided I must have this experience while I’m abroad. I was perplexed on how the hell I was supposed to use this goddamn contraption.
Here I stand, pants bunched up around my feet. I turn the water on and it shoots out across the room between my legs, splashing loudly on the tile. Turing it off quickly I re-aim the nozzle and get the temperature about right. I then notice that this thing lacks a seat. I try to hover but with my feet tangled in my pants, and no handles, my hand slips off the porcelin rim. My ass falls square into the middle of the basin, the faucet just barely missing the sweet spot, avoiding a very imbarassing 911 call. I regain my composure and give it another go, this time gingerly resting my thighs on the chilly narrow rim. After aiming the nozzle where it belongs, I experince what I assume most women understand all too well. Apparently when water runs across your nether regions its not prone to following gravity, but instead clings to your hairy legs. Once i feel my socks beginning to soak, I shift the nozzle and myself to a drier position. While I begin to reconsider the wisdom of this little experiment, I ponder if I should be scrubbing or what. I decide screw that, who knows I might like it to much and never get out of here. After I’ve had as much as my heterosexuality can handle I turn off the water. No small feat when one considers that the damn handles are in that spot on you back that you can never scratch. Now here I sit with my ass soaking wet, a situation I spend most of my waking hours avoiding, all thats around is several white hotel towels. This strikes me as a condition I’d prefer to not subject the cleaning staff too, and I start wadding up toilet paper to pat myself dry.
So, I’m left figuring that this isn’t worth the effort, or else I’m doing it drastically wrong. Can you foreign, or maybe just well cultured dopers explain to me what I missed in this experience? All i discovered was that I’d have probbaly been better served to just take a damn shower.
How does one use a bidet properly?