The woman must really not want a relationship with her son.
I agree that’s the more usual approach. However some families have breakfast as a formal, “all sit down together” meal, especially on weekends. And my experience in those sorts of houses is that guests are expected to front up for breakfast in the same way as they would be expected to turn up for dinner. I’m just guessing, but that may have been the situation in this case. If it was, clearly there should have been a lot more communication among the parties beforehand.
Oh, agreed, there should have been more (and better) communication all around, it seems. But speaking as someone whose first meeting with her now-in-laws was 12 days in a foreign country at their friends’ house, I am quite glad they were the more laid-back sort. 
I’d never assume I had to be up at a certain time on a non-workday unless someone told me that specifically, though, and as an insomniac, I treasure my few opportunities to sleep in.
Can you point out to someone that one should not correct another person’s manners unless you’re responsible for them? If you do, aren’t you correcting their manners without being responsible for them? Is that the one other exception?
I wouldn’t. If I knew this MIL as a mere aquaintance, and she let it be known that she wrote that rude ass letter, I wouldn’t admonish her for that, unless she was asking my opinion on the matter.
While I think most of the criticsms are about trifling matters I do sympathise with the last two.
However the potential daughter-in-law has certainly revealed her ‘staggering uncouthness and lack of grace’ by allowing a private email to become public.
You’re nicer than me.
If she was going on and on about how rude her future daughter-in-law was and how she sent her this email, I’d probably say, “Let me make a mental note to never accept an invitation to your house.”
I don’t think the mother-in-law intended for this to turn out well, that’s the thing.
I agree with this.
She has escalated the situation so that having a normal relationship with this woman is impossible.
I get the impression that the future daughter-in-in law is a little ‘high maintenance’. I don’t blame the MIL for lighting into her. That sets me right off too.
Grandma? Is that you?
No, of course not. (Grandmother is long dead, now.) But that was life at my Grandmother’s summer home, where my family spent many summers when I was a child. Everybody there–my family and any guests invited to stay the weekend–were expected to be present for all meals, breakfast included. Full manners were expected at every meal: no starting until (a) Grandmother, as the hostess, began; or (b) Grandmother invited us to start without her; no elbows on the table; tilt your soup plate away from you, and so on. Other activities might offer an excuse from attendance (for example, an early-morning fishing excursion would excuse one from breakfast, or a golf game occurring over noontime would excuse one from lunch), but there was no excuse for missing dinner. However, never was “sleeping late” an excuse from attendance at breakfast.
To her credit, and unlike the future MIL referred to by the OP, Grandma would never inform a guest of etiquette breaches. Instead, she informed the person who invited the guest. When I was a child, for example, my mother heard much about the breaches performed by my sister and I; and we were eventually told by Mom, who was undoubtedly gentler than Grandma would have been. Later, when I was older and had invited a girlfriend who was much like the fiancee in the OP’s link, Grandma herself pulled me aside to ask me to tell my girlfriend how to behave.
Times change though. However, it would seem to me that the biggest breach of etiquette was that made by the future MIL: you simply do not confront a guest about their perceived lack of manners. If you must confront anybody, you do as Grandma did: you confront the person who invited the guest.
This will trigger some unfortunate posturing between them which will be tricky to resolve. This goes well beyond Emily Post. This even goes beyond Finishing School. Right now, they’re both pretty much at the ‘leather-strap & Bowie knife’ level of conflict resolution.
It’ll beat the Hell out of The Electric Slide as far as Reception entertainment goes and possibly generate more revenue than a Dollar Dance… if promoted right. I predict Don King (and nobody predicts Don King) .
All the things listed are from ignorance from not having been taught those things. Virtually everyone has not been taught these things because most people were not brought up in upper middle class to rich families. I was. I still violate some of these rules, all of which are correct, however, by far the largest breach of etiquette was the denunciatory email which attempted to shame the future DIL.
DIL needs to learn all of these things, but humiliating her about them won’t do it. MIL needs to learn to be gentle and teach these things correctly.
MIL loses, as she had no excuse communicating this poorly.
Your Grammy knew better how this high manners bit was done.
MIL is correct on all points. I don’t know the full circumstances, and I wonder whether they warranted a full-on flame, but she’s correct.
If the future DIL is simply making a few faux pas - then it would be better for the MIL to be gracious and gently try to correct her.
It’s my understanding that the future DIL shared the email with a few friends because she was stunned to have received it. One of the friends was responsible for publicizing it.
Great response, IMO.
Man, monstro, I bite my tongue off, every day, to keep from correcting folks on shit they do that I think is awful. And I bet a few tongues have been bitten at me too. But, when it comes to mere social aquaintances, I’m not comfortable correcting. I do make sure my daughter knows the time, though. And I do try to be considerate of others, and for the most part, I think it comes pretty naturally, so I would hope that not too many tongues have bled on my account.
Manners can be so subjective in some cases. Some people are afraid to stand up for themselves and put someone in their place when needed, for fear of being rude. Also, some people think using the wrong fork is rude. Folks don’t have seem to have common sense any more.
Isamu, your post is making me laugh.
Members of the family do not wait for invitation before dishing up seconds. Members of the family help themselves. And this young lady is already darned close to being a member of the family, and will officially be one soon enough.
Here, the mother-in-law is implying that not being rich is, in itself, a breach of etiquette. And if the couple want to indulge in a little fantasy for their wedding (what better time?) and get married in a castle, and have budgeted money for that, that’s their call. Everyone can afford a few luxuries, and apparently this is one they’ve decided on.
A formal breakfast when hosting guests seems to me to be a bad idea. It’s probably because in my family, guests are inevitably visiting from a different time zone; pressuring them to wake up extra-early or wait until extra late for breakfast isn’t a great arrangement. Better to have a laid-back brunch-type meal: coffee, fresh fruit, muffins (store-bought is fine), maybe whip up some bacon and eggs when most people are up.
Here’s the thing; you don’t know if her criticisms are valid.
You don’t know what might have been pulled wildly out of context, or exagerrated.
But you DO know the mother sent an email - three times - of the most appalling arrogance, rudeness, and poor taste. Indeed, her taste and manners are so dreadful that I don’t trust anything she says.
So I don’t really know anything about the bride-to-be, but I know her would-be mother in law is a nasty bitch.
And in my family home we didn’t even make any such family/guest distinction. The rule was “don’t hog the food, don’t reach over anyone else’s plate to get at the food, and if it’s running low ask if anyone else wants a serving”. Nothing about the host at all. That’s part of the MIL’s problem in my opinion; she appear to think that her little subculture’s version of manners is the one and only system of manners.
If she’d sprinkled her lecture with some qualifier like the occasional “in our family’s tradition” or “in our home” she might have come off less like she wanted to end every sentence with the phrase “you peasant slut”.