FYI: A lady's corset provides minimal protection against a dildo attack.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, I’ll preface this by saying that my wife and I are in the SCA (medieval research/ re-enactment society), so you know that we’re not quite right.

My wife was working on making a new corset. It’s a very nice corset. Heavy cotton on the outside layers, canvas on the inside, steel boning running vertically at points. Those of you who know my wife know that she is very busty, so this thing was built to contain her ample assets. Lacing up the back, very stylish. Neutral colors, so it can be worn with pretty much anything.

Okay. I am an armorer. Not a very good one, but not bad. I do leatherwork, mostly. I fight in all of the armor that I make- it is fully functional. Well, I am toying with the idea of making an armored surcoat- a knee-length shirt with plates sewn in between several layers of cloth. It will be flexible, but also very strong, since I’m using steel plates.

My wife, after completing her project, let me try it on to see how the design worked, assuming we could redo it with larger pockets on the inside to hold the plates instead of the boning. It was very firm. I was impressed.

It was then decided that we should test it, to see how well it worked. After a few slaps on the tummy with a hairbrush, she grabbed the closest thing to hand that approximated a ‘real’ weapon- a double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong.

Never mind, that’s not important right now.

She slaps me with it a few times, and then fetches me a blow to my ribs that ends up leaving a bruise even through the corset. It still stings if I breathe deeply.

So fellas, a word of warning. If you ever want your lady to hit you with a dong, be sure to wear something a little more substantial than her underwear. Leather is definitely preferable.

Forget the dong. It is only tangential to the moral of the story.

2

Wouldn’t that count as a non-rigid parry?

3

Sorry to say, but I think that the chances of that happening approach zero.

4

Must have been a +2 Dildo of Smiting. I know I never ran across one of those in Diablo II or Baldur’s Gate. I am curious that your wife’s character class is apparently expert level in beating with meat. Usually that’s a guy thing. I suppose you could consider it a flail, though.

So, next time you stride out on the field, are you going to forego your usual long sword?

5

I’ve tried. But I just can’t.

6

Geez, in the most recent thread about your wife’s hand-fashioned undergarments, we got to see pictures.

Never mind, actually.

7

I comprehended the lesson but, pray tell, what is the moral of the 18 inch long, double headed, ice blue dong whack-a-corset story?

8

Lieu–“There’s a place for everything, and everything in its place.”

9

Wow, that musta hurt. Good thing she didn’t stick it up your…
Um…never mind. :eek: :smiley:

10

Bahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha<cough>ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahah!

Thanks for nearly getting me in trouble at work.

I’d think a dildo was a piercing weapon and would face a -2 penalty as a crushing weapon.

11

Oh, c’mon, people! Can’t you see? The corset being worn by a man, the hairbrush, the dress Strongbow is making (sure, he calls it a surcoat! Read his description - it’s a dress!) What we have here is a classic thinly-disguised plea for understanding, and an admission that Stonebow is a cross-dresser! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!) :smiley:

But I would like to ask just what “real” weapon is being approximated by said ice-blue jelly dong?

12

If being hit with a blue dong wearing your wife’s corset does not count as creative anachronysm, I don’t know what does.

13

Hmmm. I wonder if a double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong would pass weapons inspection. I could use it as a secondary, considering my shield gets ripped away from me 8 times out of 10 in those stupid “belted vs. everybody else” cluster f#&k scenarios…

And I know a field marshal that owes me a favor - Ooo, the possibilities! :smiley:

14

I think of it as sort of a perversion of Miranda:
You have the right to avoid buying your wife “surprises” over the internet. Should you refuse that right, any “surprise” you buy can, and most likely will, be used against you.

15

I wonder if an 18"DHIBJD could get through airport security?

16

Ah, it was a 520’s style death dong.

17

WHY am I picturing Daffy Duck, as Robin Hood, weilding a Double-Headed 18" Ice Blue Jelly Dong?

18

Heck, if people can get vibrators past security, this shouldn’t be much of a problem.

19

[Mr Science]
Earthquake damage is usually much worse over soft, unconsolidated soils. Would the same principle render jelly dong vibrators too dangerous to handle?

I’m just… you know… looking out for y’alls well being and all.
[Mr. Science]

20

Oh, sure, but don’t be surprised if the scanner operator giggles a bit.