Heisenberg and Feynman are out driving in a car; Heisenberg is navigating. Suddenly he looks up from the road map and calls out “Watch out, there’s a cop car ahead!”. “Relax,” says Feynman, tapping the speedo, “we’re doing exactly fifty-five.” “Idiot!” exclaims Heisenberg. “Now we’re lost!”
Loved every single one of those jokes 
If rugby counts as a form of geekery, I just got this one in my inbox:
The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.
The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, “We’re going down. There’s only four parachutes! Since I’m the pilot I’m taking one,” and then jumps from the plane.
The coach says, “Without me the team won’t have a chance, so I’m taking one,” and he jumps out.
The winger says, “I’m the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can’t win a game, so I’m taking one,” and he jumps out of the plane.
The club president looks at the prop and says, “You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me”. The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back…
Why do older programmers have trouble keeping track of holidays?
Becaust Oct. 31 is Dec. 25.
Something I heard from a friend the other night:
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
A very wealthy Indian dies. He has three wives and the Chief is called upon to divide up the estate. He tells each of them to shoot an animal, skin it, & then bring their respective children & meet him at the fire circle.
The first wife has two children & a deer skin. the chief tells her: Spread your skin on the ground & you & your children sit on it.
The second wife had three children & a bear skin, the chief tells her: Spread your skin on the ground & you & your children sit on it.
The third wife had no kids and the skin of a hippopotumus.
He tells her to spread the skin on the ground & sit on it.
After a moment the chife declares that the first and second wife each get one fourth of the estate, and that the third will get half.
“But that’s not fair!” say the other two, “we have children, she has no mouths to feed besides her own”
“Yes” says the chief, “But the squaw of the hippopotumus is equal to the squaws of the other two hides”
Also, How many quarters does it take to play the Lord of the Rings video game?
None. it only takes Tokens
I’ll be here all week, folks.
An engineer walks into a room and spots a fire in a trash can. He runs out, grabs a bucket of water and throws it on the fire.
A physicist walks into a room and spots a fire in a trash can. He calculates the exact amount of water needed to put the fire out, runs out, gets the water and throws it on the fire.
A mathematician walks into a room and spots a fire in a trash can. He calculates the exact amount of water needed to put the fire out, then walks out of the room because the problem is essentially solved.
Loved the Heisenberg and Feynman joke. That’s the kind of joke that embarrasses my family. As soon as I find someone that I think will get it, I’m repeating it.
There once was a fellow named Fisk
whose stroke was excessively brisk.
So quick was his action,
the Lorentz Contraction
diminished his dong to a disk.
Believe it or not, a major limerick compendium I have somewhere claims that in this case, the clean version (involving a fencer and a foil) was actually the original.
Mrs. Schrodinger comes up from the basement and asks her husband, “What did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!”
Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding.
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"No, but I know where I am!"And now there’s one that I have a punchline to, but don’t know the joke the whole joke. I think it’s one of the engineer/physicist/mathematician jokes. It ends with:
“Okay, assuming a sheep with a spherical volume of <blank>…”
Can anyone add the rest of the joke?
To an optimist the glass is half full.
To a pessimist the glass is half empty.
To an engineer the glass is twice the size it should be.
Your mamma’s so fat all her clocks run slow!
It sounds similar to the one about the horse race prediction system. Different groups of science-types are tasked to come up with a system for predicting the winner of a horse race. They all conclude it can’t be done, except the last team (I think it’s the physicists, but it may be mathematicians) announces with great fanfare that they’ve succeeded. The system is as follows: “Step 1. Assume each horse is a smooth rolling sphere . . .”
I liked Dilbert’s take on this one.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 plus or minus 2.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That needs to be determined using a non-parametric procedure, because statisticians are not normal!
Classical music geek joke, which I might have picked up from here anyway, and elaborated on:
Schenker dies, and finds himself in hell. Faced with the devil, he asks why he is there.
“Ah, but all the great musicians are here. Paganini is the leader of our orchestra. All those Nazi collaborators from the Berlin Phil? Still playing well. And for all eternity, you will conduct them.”
Schenker, understandably, thinks this doesn’t sound so bad. He takes his place on the podium, shakes Paganini by the hand, and sees the score of Beethoven 5 laid out ready. He brings the orchestra in, and they play:
E…D…C
(Edit: I would have corrected the mistake, but would rather see who spots it.)
What’s today’s special at the Los Alamos cafeteria?
Fission Chips.
A scientist is someone who, if you tell him there are 10^21 stars in the Universe he’ll believe you, but if he sees a sign that says "wet paint"on a bench, he’ll have to touch the bench to be sure…
All the scientists decide to play hide-n-seek in heaven to pass the time. Einstein is chosen to be it, and so he begins to count down from a hundred. Meanwhile, all the other scientists begin to go and hide. Everyone except for Issac Newton, who starts fumbling around his pockets.
Einstein gets down to the final 40, and when he peeks out from the corner of his eyes, he sees Newton in front of him fumbling around, and so he begins to count faster…
Meanwhile, Newton finally pulls out a piece of chalk from his pocket in triumph, and begins to draw a square on the ground around him in a hurry to beat Einstein’s counting down. Einstein quickly finishes counting, and opens his eyes to see Newton standing up and facing him, smiling. So he runs to Newton and tags him, laughing “Ha! I got you, Issac! Newton’s out! Newton’s out!”
Newton smiles cockily, “No, Einstein, you didn’t get me out.” He points downwards, “I am standing in a one meter square, Albert. Therefore, you just got Pascal out.”
Ooh! Band geek jokes!
Two girls were having lunch. The first girl says to the second, “Is that french horn player you’re dating a good kisser?”
The second girl says, “Not really, his lips are too tight - it’s like he’s playing his horn. I love how he holds me, though.”
Tah tum tum.
Loved the Feynman/Heisenberg joke. Don’t get the Schenker joke (someone please explain it to me so I can tell it to my mom and see if she gets it) or the Einstein/Newton joke.
Can’t think of a geeky/nerdy joke at the moment; will return once successful.