As much as this guy?
Lol! 
Maybe not that long, but a mile or two.
Depends on the dick. It could be a real plus.
Is this a dense metro thing? In a smaller city, the suburbs or a cluster of small towns, you plug in your age range and reasonable driving distance and maybe a few other filters the site may allow, and voila: the same couple dozen profiles you’ve been seeing over and over.
For women the same guys’ one-word DMs of “hey” sent to every woman on the site at least daily. For guys it’s the same women who sit with a glass of wine and soak up online attention and never so much as meet for coffee.
The site doesn’t make profit by couples connecting and leaving the site. And then there’s that whole thing of commodifying to be as unchallenging yet still as unique as possible. How is the mistakes on the details but not the whole?
If your dick is a plus, it is totally the wrong shape.
(This was assuming you weren’t serious… If you were, eww, and bad idea. I’ve listened to women, even raunchy ones, say that a dick pick, no matter how impressive, is a deal-breaker)
I used to work with this guy that went on those dating sites. There would be posts that had 1 picture of the woman and 8 of her collie. He was like “lady, I don’t want to fuck your dog!” Or there were 6 pictures of her kids and he was like “do you want a date or a goddamn baby sitter?”
So what’s the deal with that? I remember my former cow orker seeing all these posts from women saying DO NOT SEND ME PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS! Are there that many guys that have the gall to send pictures of their junk to people they don’t know? What’s the point in that? Are they just being assholes or do they really think a woman they don’t know yet is going to respond to that?
Yeah I guess it is different in cities.
Because, despite my self effacing comment in the OP, I have had a bunch of tinder dates.
For me it’s like this: I swipe right (or whichever direction is yes, I forget) to about 40% of all women on the site.
Rarely though do I get a match: maybe one in 30. That’s why I don’t think my profile is all that amazing.
Having got a match though, the chances of a decent conversation and arranging to meet are actually quite high, if I put in the effort. Often, to be honest, I’ll match but just be too lazy to send a message and it’s rare they’ll break the ice (though that has happened).
Yep.
IANA woman, but I’ve had conversations with groups of women and most of them said that they regularly get sent penis pics.
Which I did, and still, find astonishing.
For me, that’s somewhat useful. I don’t like going to the movies much; I do like discovering new restaurants, but prefer eating at home; I hate the beach and swimming is just an exercise in not drowning; relaxing at home is good. Hiking I could take or leave, but someone who likes hiking is probably a good match for me. There should be more in the profile, but those statements are not empty, though I do prefer more specific ones like: “I like discovering new restaurants and cuisines I’m not familiar with/little out-of-the-way holes-in-wall” to just “I like discovering new restaurants.” The way I found my wife was she kept showing up on two search terms I would use to narrow down the field: “chess” and “curiosity.” I’ve played a total of one chess game with my wife since we met on Match back in 2006, but I figured anyone who listed that as an interest on a dating profile is probably someone I have a lot in common with. I could see “hiking” working the same way for someone of a more outdoorsy bent, as not everyone – by a longshot – likes hiking.
I’m not really in a position to heavily judge mistakes. There are probably a lot of bad ideas, as listed, but they are all relative. Not everyone would consider them mistakes.
My guess is things could be improved by:
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writing much less. People don’t read anymore.
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not implying perfection. Be self-deprecatory
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using more humour
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funnier pictures
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stand out; be mysterious?
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too focused on self; what do you do for others?
What do women want? Who knows? Possibly intelligence, humour, courage, generosity, resources, skills, mystery, romance, listeners?
One minor one that always bugged me when I was doing online dating: the use of serendipity, or any form of that word.
I personally don’t like people going on at length about their dislikes, especially in potential partners. It is okay if you have some dealbreakers, but phrasing everything negatively comes across angry and bitter.
A classic of the genre where I live is “no nutcases”. That’ll weed them out for sure. 
On the internet, no one knows if you are a dog.
Unless you attach pictures.
That’s a new one on me. In what context were you coming across it? Hell, I’d be more interested if someone used a word like that in their profile.
“I’ll bet we have a lot of things in common. Reading, for example; me, I prefer left-to-right.”
I try to be self-deprecating, but I’m not very good at it.
That could be interpreted as anti-semitic.
Possibly, I suppose. I was going for sarcastic and smart-ass; stole it from an old episode of Moonlighting.
It is pretty much me attaching the idea of serendipity to silly rom-coms. I figure the women who use that word are hoping for something unrealistically romantic, like a prince to appear and sweep them off their feet. And they are usually looking for serendipity, which makes me think “that’s not how it works.”
Another irritation : people who state they “don’t really believe in dating apps” or say that “we can say we met at a museum” or who otherwise need to make it known that, despite being there, they are really too cool for online dating. Making the other person feel like a loser for using a perfectly valid method of meeting people is not a great move. Especially not if you are actually using it yourself.