Okcupid: What to do when nobody is messaging you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Over the past week on okcupid I have sent messages to 22 women in my vicinity. Of those nearly two dozen profiles, NONE of them have responded. :frowning: I tried to balance out my shotgun approach with some practical decisions to try to get responses. Right now I am limiting my messages to people who live within an hour or so drive from me. This way, I have a better chance of getting an opportunity of actually potentially meeting with someone in person. The other choice I made is to message profiles who have been on the site within a few days, that way I’m not messaging an abandoned profile, or having my message buried under a mountain of other messages by the time the person actually goes back on to their computer. I have a couple of theories about the lack of responses-

1.) I’m not handsome enough. Maybe the people on okcupid are really superficial?

2.) My message never happens to be in the top of their inbox and never gets noticed

3.) Market saturation- too many guys similar to me, I get lost in the crowd/overlooked.

In addition to the lack of replies, I haven’t had anybody message me directly AT ALL :frowning: I guess you could say I’m being impatient about this, which is partly true (particularly reading other dopers’ successes and dating escapades through meeting people on okcupid) but I can’t help but think that if I’m getting so minimal responses, I must be doing something wrong. But I’m not totally sure what. Even getting messages saying, “Thanks for the message but I’m really not interested” would be okay, or if there was a particular reason “you make me feel dumb/don’t like you hair/glasses are nerdy/English majors suck/etc” I might get a better handle on things. I write my messages very carefully, making sure I spellcheck everything. I don’t write in all caps or use leet speak. I don’t use obscene language nor do I copy/paste generic replies. And yet lately I’ve come up empty!

A few questions for ladies-

1.) What kind of messages go straight to the trash bin for you? I’m sure some things are obvious- boring introductions (messages titled ‘Hello’ from 15 different people might blur together), details like"I am X years old…", “I make $X thousand/year…” Non-smiling profile photos (someone here mentioned that), talking too much about himself, not talking enough about himself ? The messages I write seem decent from my standpoint, but I can’t help but wonder if the women reading it are dry-heaving their way through it.

2.) If you get a message from someone, never respond to it, then get another message a few days/weeks later from the same guy, would that skeeve you out? I don’t want to be creepy/stalkerish about this, but I also am aware that I might not be persistant enough with some people. The only thing is, I’m not sure exactly where the balance is.

2

Don’t have a lot of specific advice (I’ve posted before about how pathetic I am at dating) other than make sure your messages reference something about the girl and don’t just ramble on forever about you. Keep them amusing and fairly short. Also, give it time. I’ll sometimes wait several days thinking of a good reply or just building up the courage to respond. (BTW, if anyone is following my dating banalities, incredibly cute guy actually replied to my bizarro message and now I’m too scared to go read the response. :rolleyes: to me)

And if you (Incubus, specifically) want to cheer yourself up, head over to SDMBconfess, ignore the vitriol and check out your own personal fan club…

3

Take a break for a week or so. Seriously, why are you expecting an instant response?

4

BTW, to anyone who is interested, my okcupid profile
:
(suggestions welcome :smiley: )

[QUOTE=tremorviolet]
Don’t have a lot of specific advice (I’ve posted before about how pathetic I am at dating) other than make sure your messages reference something about the girl and don’t just ramble on forever about you.

[QUOTE]

This has been something I have been doing all along. I’ll always make sure I make a positive remark about something I found interesting in their profile- “Hey I like your photo/taste in books/sense of humor/etc” and maybe observe any similarities “You go to SJSU too?/What plays have you seen/acted in?”. Things like that.

tremorviolet, reply to that guy!!! The only way you will know for sure how he feels is if you speak up! Personally, if a woman doesn’t reply to me, I kind of assume she wasn’t interested or simply deluged by amorous suitors and unable to answer all of them.

5

I know I know, I’m being a little impatient…The only thing is that the people I am messaging are typically checking the site every day/every other day. I figured out of 22 people, there would be a pretty good chance I’d start getting at least a few replies.

6

Well, I’m married and I’ve never used any sort of personals service, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I just looked at your listing, and it seemed kinda vague. I didn’t get a real sense of what your interests are, what you’re passionate about, or what you want to do with your life in the future. Maybe if you add in some details, somebody with similar interests will respond. Good luck!

7

Dude, you really need to just give it time. I’ve had a profile there for 7 weeks, and have gotten 4 messages (not counting those from guys who were replying to me, or SDMB folks): the last one was 3 weeks ago. And I’ve only sent 2 messages, because there are all of maybe 4-5 guys in my “local matches” who I’d consider sending a message to. And I consider these numbers to be good! :slight_smile:

I like that you added a second picture, but one thing I’ll suggest is that you take better advantage of the system: take more tests, and definitely answer some more questions! Don’t worry so much about messages, just have fun with the site and see what the next week or two brings.

8

A casual OKCupid user weighing in. I agree with Miabella; your profile strikes me as a tad generic. Not everyone can be attracted to quirkiness, but a profile (to me at least) ought to be distinctive. Anyway, can I offer some more advice? Take it easy, there’s no Dating Deadline.

PS) Stats: I’ve been on the site for maybe…oh, three months, and gotten maybe six or seven woos/messages, not counting followup correspondence. (It feels like being swarmed by pirahnas.)

9

I’ve never been on okcupid, but use other personals a lot. Since I’m only looking for guys over 45 I can’t really judge how a young girl would react to your profile, but one thing struck me: your 6 Things I Can’t Live Without are too serious. They need more…oomph. More humor. More romance. They are too practical. For example, the last guy I dated listed “music, love, sex, learning something new, cool breezes” while mine were “books, music, NPR on Saturdays, cool breezes, thunderstorms”. See how much we had in common already? But a watch, your glasses and your car? Not very memorable.

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Incubis, if you don’t mind, I found a few grammar things in your OKCupid profile. I thought I’d point them out for you:

They’re no big deal, just a typo and a left out period.

~ monica

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I think the profile is something you can’t over think- basically it’s your one shot to make the impression. It’s got to be punchy, clear and interesting, make you stand out, and also give people things to talk to you about. Edit and re-edit this, ask other people what they think.

So here goes, comments as follows, I hope you don’t take offence:

Photos - one you can’t really see clearly, the other looks like a mug shot. I 'm going to look at the photo and imagive myself standing next to you, and I don’t want that to be in prison.

Spelling mistake in first paragraph, this would be an automatic delete for me - especially if you mention being an English major. Shows a lack of care.

**What I’m doing with my life: **
This is currently all about jobs - tell me where you see yourself in 1-3 years, and what are you doing now to get there. Be more than just what you do for money.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me:
You look like a police officer? We’re back in prison…

**My favorite books, movies, music, and foods are: **
Interest in Baroque music - nice, but sounds a little dorky (and this from someone who love playing Bach on my cello)

Be specific - what chinese food? Who do you eat this with? Where was the best you ever had? Show me you have friends and good taste, even whether you’ve travelled. And don’t be afraid to answer more than just the question, such as:

The best meal I ever had was fresh lobster, eaten at ‘the restaurant at the end of the world’ when travelling through Malaysia, but I am a fan of all asian cuisine and can whip up a mean green chicken curry.

**The SIX things I could never do without: **
These are all so practical - show me the imagination! Oscar Wilde said, “Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities” - tell me what this means to you! (To me it means 250 thread count cotton sheets, good bread and shoes).

I think you have all the bits there, but just expand on them a little, and make sure there are good soundbites. Hope this helps…

12

Bugger, spelling mistake in post, gutted as I pointed this out as a fault in the profile! That’s korma as a friend told me today… (with a side of garlic naan)…

13

Monica

Thank you for pointing out the error. I have fixed it in my profile.

Girl from Mars

Thank you very much for the feedback. I have gone back and rewritten several parts of my profile. The Baroque music stays; don’t try to change me, baby :wink: . But other than that I really overhauled a lot of sentences that were definitely ‘blah’ on a second/third viewing. And I deleted the horrid second picture. I never liked it much in the first place, but I wanted a picture that showed how I look normally. (The first picture is what I look like when I get hurled out of the ocean. But I haven’t done a whole lot of that recently). I do have a beard and glasses right now. Trying to get a picture of myself that doesn’t make me look like a total dork/psycho. :stuck_out_tongue:

14

I’ll give you my first impression,

“Ack! No shirt, he’s probably creepy in person.”

I have this impression because every guy who has ever messaged me with a profile photo is in some state of undress has been either creepy, boldly just looking for some pants to get into or both.

I’d get a new photo. Something where you’re smiling and playing with a dog or something.

Being quirky in your profile helps set you apart from the crowd, but if you have a creepy photo, it won’t help you.

Best of luck!

15

OG SMASH GRAMMAR!

You get the idea. Naked = Creepy.

16

Just out of curiosity, how does my profile look?

17

I would (assuming that I were single and on this singles site) message you in a heartbeat for three reasons:

  1. You insulted Star Wars. <3 <3
  2. You look like someone that would be easy to introduce to family and friends.
  3. These statements:

" Ask me about the time I got bit by a tiger, or when Jimmy Buffett stopped by to visit me at work.

“Here we have two completely opposite statements that are both true. I think I know the solution to it–message me if you’re curious about it.”

You’re making it easy to spark up a conversation with you. That’s pure class, my friend. Pure class.

18

Incubus, I just read your profile. It’s not bad, but it feels very standard and robotic. Maybe it’s the lack of contractions that’s doing it: “so that I do not have to rush” sounds a little off to me. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it gives me the impression that you’re not at ease talking about yourself.

The rest is good, though. The fine cut of your jib! Love it. :slight_smile:

And don’t feel bad about not getting answers right away. I don’t get many answers to my messages on OKCupid either. I think that if you’re messaging someone, make sure it shows that you’ve read their profile and something caught your interest. When I get a message talking about my “cute smile” or something like that, I take it less seriously than if I get one asking me about something in my profile, or a “hey, I like that too!” Just show them that it’s more than their looks that pulled you in, that might help.

19

Ultrafilter – if you have any interest in women twice your age, drop me a line! Great ad!

Guys – look at his ad. That’s how it’s done.

20

**Ultrafilter ** - nice ad. It made me smile as I read it, and I think it gives the impression of a nice, intelligent, balanced guy. You have obviously done some introspective thinking, and seems comfortable with yourself, which is very appealing.
**Incubus ** - heaps better, I think it reads well now, definately more relaxed, and it comes across like you’ve thought about it which is nice.