Instead of continuing Elmwood’s rant against the people on Match.com, started here, I’m starting my own. Since I’m a girl, I’m offering up the other perspective.
Some of the last couple of emails I received through Match:
*“your very pretty. wanna talk sometime?? Do ya have anymore pics that you could send me??” *
“What does a hot gal like you do for fun in the Columbus area?, Where did your last road trip take you?, Do you put your own worms on your hook? DARE for you… reply with answers and questions for me.”
“I double dog dare you to write me back! (smile) If this dare thing really works, and you genuinely can’t turn one down, I have some wonderful plans for us! Ha, ha.”
Lest you think I’m just giving you just excerpts from the messages, let me clarify - the above are the complete messages. No other info about themselves, nothing. Other responses have obviously been just form letters with nothing more than, “I like your profile, take a look at mine” type messages. What is it with these guys? Is it too much to ask that people actually read my profile? If you’re 50 years old, don’t send me an email, when my profile clearly states ages 28-35. If you don’t want to date someone who has children, don’t send me an email - I obviously have one, and naturally, he will be a huge priority in my life.
This is my second go 'round with Match. The first time was at the first of the year. Honestly, I had only one truly interesting response, and that was from a Methodist pastor in Nashville, TN. We actually tried to make a go of it for a couple months, but sometimes the long distance thing doesn’t work. Between the demands of his work, and the fact I’m studying for the MCAT and preparing for med school, we just didn’t have any time to see each other.
Anyway, I’m back on the market again. Anyone care to critique my profile and let me know what I’m doing wrong? Is there something in my profile that attracts these monosyllabic troglodytes, or is that just what I should expect from Match? Obviously the part about never turning down a dare has to go - apparently it’s being taken the wrong way. Other than that, any other helpful hints would be appreciated.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, your profile is nice, straightforward and your pictures are good. Actually, that might be part of it, maybe you should put only one and exchange more later with anyone you find worth it.
What I meant to comment on is that if I were you, I, too, would want to communicate the priority my kid was for me. So maybe you could put something about him in your interests? That might help filter a little, maybe.
If you want to fend off the trogs you’re going to have to ugly it up a bit, because morons can smell “hot” from 4 counties over.
Honestly, you have an excellent profile. I’d edit out the “I never turn down a dare” bit, because you’ve apparently gotten some stupid responses to that line. Other than that, there is just so much you offer people to respond to - which is the goal of a good profile.
Other possibilities:
Include a picture of you with your child. You can blank his face out for privacy reasons, but it would reinforce that aspect of your life.
Narrow the interests you mention. Focus on two or three particular aspects of your life that would really generate very worthwhile responses. For instance, I was interested throughout, but your mention of Nouwen completely tipped the scales for me. If his books, philosophy and theology really speak to you, focusing on that could attract more responses from the right people, or weed out the filthy masses.
Take out your photos. I really believe that the quality people on match don’t do searches that filter out non-photo entries. I believe even more strongly that the jackasses do filter them out.
Don’t discount those with “no children” specified. Exceptions can be made. If you run across someone who you really think you’d be interested in with “no children”, don’t be afraid to ask. And if someone with “no children” winks or e-mails you, call them on it. They may have rashly checked that option.
Good luck trying. I did that thinking along the same lines as Munch–that it might help avoid some of the clueless “I don’t like kids” responders–and the Match people cut the photo all to hell and zoomed in only on my head. It was a picture of me tying his shoes as he sat on my lap, so with the zoom I’ve got a weird expression on my face and it looks like I’m conversing with my tits. Stupid.
Munch has some good advice, though I would definitely keep a pic or two up there, having one with your child is a good idea.
One fact you’re going to have to face is that Match, by its very nature, encourages the patethic shotgun approach to responses. You get (unless it’s changed in the last year or so) unlimited emails for your monthly fee. So, to get your money’s worth, you fire off an email to pretty much any female who looks alive, and DEFINITELY to any good looking female, which you certainly are. The result is that women are generally innundated with crap responses from total losers.
I also sometimes did the “I liked your ad, look at mine” thing, because I figured if HER ad alone was good enough to get me interested, why shouldn’t MY ad alone be good enough? I sort of resented the idea that I had to make some big play to impress the girl, when all she needed to do was put an ad up and sort through the responses. I actually had a girl (who contacted me first!) say I wasn’t trying hard enough to impress her! :mad:
From what I hear, guys get no responses from their emails a LOT. And no matter how witty the guy is, if his pic doesn’t ring someone’s bell he’s probably not going to get a response. So they’re probably just sending out feelers to see if they even have a chance; if they spent 15 minutes composing every email to a woman it would suck up quite a bit of time. There’s no excuse for bad grammar or misspellings or not paying attention to your important profile requirements, but I can’t fault guys for keeping it short for the first go-round. “Trying too hard” can be a bit skeevy too.
Any guy should be very happy to talk to you if he is funny enough to make you produce that awesome smile.
Unfortunately, it is hard to be funny in a first email (or on a message board damn it!) without a straight line to help you out, so I wouldn’t necessarily expect a bunch of funny emails. However, they definitely should be more significant than the crap you received. Those guys are obviously idiots. How long can it possibly take to produce a sincere, appropriate email that is at least minimally interesting and more than one sentence (fragment) long?
Ok, I have to go find an excuse to visit my grandparents in Ohio now.
I have to add that I don’t at all agree with Munch about the photos. You have to leave a couple of photos, or at least present a photo after you’ve been presented with one from someone who contacts you and seems to have a good personality.
Looks matter. As much as some people like to pretend they don’t matter at all or that people who care about looks are shallow jackasses, at some point in a relationship you have to find the other person physically attractive. People who filter out the profiles that don’t have pictures are not jackasses any more than someone who states that she is looking for someone between the height of 5’ 11" and 6’ 8" is a jackass (meaning neither could be a jackass for that simple reason alone). Looks matter more to some than to others and personality can affect the perception of one’s looks, but it is rare that physical appearance does not matter at all to people in or seeking relationships.
Hi jay-c, I really like your profile. I gotta add my voice to everyone else’s about the dare thing. Although, now that I think about it, every guy that responds to you with that “Ha ha dare you” attitude is obviously lacking in grey matter and that could easily weed out some of the potential dates. So unless you want some way to thin out the creeping hordes, take it out.
You really sound nice Based on your profile, if I were male I’d ask you out.
These things take time. If you’re in a hurry, try more dating services. I know whenever I’m at law school in OSU I get these advertisements for Speed Date or something like that handed to me. I’m not sure where you live, but if you are anywhere near Columbus you might try that. (then again, I don’t know anything about that either)
I suppose that guys don’t really understand how some women are inundated with stuff like that, often from men clearly different from what they are looking for. It just gets really annoying because you feel they aren’t actually interesting in you, just spraying the feild. (Imagine just working from one end of a bar to the other, asking each girl for her number. Eventually, you’re gonna get slapped).
It’s not that hard to personalize your one sentance response. Show that you actually read the ad and didn’t just look at the picture.
My biggest pet peeve with match men is asking for more pics in the very first email. That skeeves me out, and seems to get the same reaction from just about every woman I talk to.
Also, jay-c, I discovered that if you submit your picture in the same aspect ratio as match uses, they won’t crop it, or at least they didn’t mine.
But, eventually, you’re gonna get a number. I think that’s the reasoning (if any) of the guys who employ the shotgun approach. I doubt that it works for them in the long run, but I suppose it depends on what they’re looking for.
I try to write a three or four paragraph note that shows I read their profile, but I don’t jam everything from mine into it. I agree with Cheesesteak that they should read my profile and hopefully find something interesting in it. I just try to make them want to read my profile.
Seriously - you look quite goddes- like in your photos which is probably attracting WAY too many guys who don’t even read the profile - they just see the pretty face and go “Ohhh - purty, me like boobies!” and send off an e-mail.
Perhaps if you had a plainer photo? Let the guy be surprised when he meets you and finds out yer a total fox.
I don’t doubt they eventually get a number. But over time, more and more women are wise to and sick of this approach, the harder it would be for everyone to pick up girls in bars. You’d see a guys coming over, and you’d cringe. Any guy that did want to talk to you would have to do something to get your attention, to separate himself from the unwashed masses.
I tend to think that in the absense of the chemistry present in a face to face meeting*, I need something that shows me you actually are interested in me. Otherwise, it’s little more than dating spam.
For what it’s worth, I don’t need several paragraphs. The last guy I met mentioned that he’s also studied medieval history and asked me if I’d ever learned Latin. Four sentances, tops. I answered.
*This is where my bar analogy falls apart, I think. Pheremones and instinct and all that make recognizing someone is genuinly interested in you that much easier.
Well, you are a hottie and a half, jay-c. I agree that your picture may be getting more attention than you want compared to the rest of your profile.
Some advice on your profile that no one’s mentioned yet: If I were you, I’d get rid of the “make me laugh”. For one thing, there are plenty of boneheads who genuinely believe they can make you laugh, even if their sense of humor consists of, “Hee hee, boogers!” Also, the “make me laugh” stuff is, well, generic. Do a search in IMHO on what women look are looking for in men and you’ll find about 10,000 posts from women saying they like a guy with a “sense of humor”. What I imagine you want (because it’s pretty much what anyone wants), is someone with your sense of humor. Rather than outwardly mentioning anything about laughing or a sense of humor in your profile, try instead expressing your own personal sense of humor in your profile itself–maybe consider throwing in some sort of esoteric witisism in there–and see if you get a response in kind.
And, yeah, Gaudere’s correct. Men almost never get responses to their emails. Even if they’re (in his opinion, obviously) well though out.
Yeah, yeah, I tried that once, didn’t work. I spent about 20 minutes writing each letter, making sure it mentioned something specific from the person’s profile, telling something quirky about myself, saying what intrigued me about their profile particularly, and generally working to put together 2 paragraphs that I thought would put my best foot forward. I sent out dozens of these while I was seriously using Match.com.
One response, from someone who said after a few emails that she couldn’t contemplate dating me only because I hadn’t seen “The Godfather.” Thanks, Mrs. Shallow Person Of The Year.
So yeah, those letters were really awful, but if you’re looking for letters from guys that totally sweep you off your feet, maybe you’re setting yourself up for something that’s never gonna happen. I know that putting forth the effort to be specific, friendly, and witty didn’t do jack for my chances.
Yeah, this was what I was going to say (more or less). Just by having the pictures you have up, it’s going to attract a lot of guys - for better or worse. Unfortunately, plenty of boneheads will look through the pictures, scan the ad a little, and fire off a short, stupid email. Just by virtue of being as attractive as you are, many men (good and bad) will be vying for your attention.
Based on your profile, if I were male I’d ask you out.