First, a geek reference:
The scary thing was, up until about the end of the second paragraph, I thought it was a post from slashdot.
I’m going to hell for this one …
There’s a motherfucking lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold, and she’s buying a motherfucking stairway to fuckin’ heaven. Pop Quiz, why are you such a slapped cock? When she gets there she knows, when the fucking stores are all closed, with a goddamn word she can get fuckin’ what she came for.
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. You are a burning token fuckmonster. And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
There’s a sign on the fucking wall, but she wants to fuckin’ be sure, 'cause you are one fucking shit and you know sometimes words have two meanings. In the fucking tree by the fucking brook, there’s a songbird that sings. Are you ready to burn? Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
And that piece of shit makes my stupid ass wonder…
Burned by the Burnmaker!
Ponder shall not fucking walk alone:
We have one basic rule: Don’t be a jerk.
Considering the fucking real-time nature of this bullshit bulletin board and the fucking volume of messages received, that bastard is impossible for us to verify the fucking information posted. We do not vouch for or warrant the fucking accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any jizz-stain, and are not responsible for the fucking contents of any jizz-stain. Look around you! I should neglect your anus. Users should be particularly wary of medical, legal or other professional advice posted on the fucking jizz-stain boards and recognize that that bastard is no motherfucking substitute for in-person consultation with a competent professional. Pop Quiz, why are you such a pukey shithole? The fucking messages express the fucking views of the fucking author of the fucking jizz-stain, not necessarily the fucking views of the fucking Chicago Reader, Inc., or any entity associated with that piece of shit.
Any user who feels that a posted jizz-stain is objectionable should contact us immediately by Jizz. We have the fucking ability to fuckin’ remove objectionable messages and will make every stinky effort to fuckin’ do so god-damn, within a reasonable time, if we determine that removal is necessary. This bullshit is a manual process, however, so god-damn please realize that we may not be able to remove or edit particular messages immediately.
You agree, through your sorry use of this bullshit service, that you and your hand-job will not use this bullshit BB to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, threatening, invasive of a motherfucking person’s privacy, or otherwise violative of any law. Mind if I torch your throat? You and your jive agree not to fuckin’ post any copyrighted material unless the fucking copyright is owned by you and your monkey or by this bullshit BB. I will burn your face. You agree to abide by the fucking wishes of the fucking board moderators in interpreting and enforcing these rules. Refusal to fuckin’ cooperate with board moderators or to fuckin’ abide by these rules is grounds for revocation of your sorry posting privileges.
Religious proselytizing (“witnessing”) and religious discussions generally (other than strictly factual inquiries) should be confined to the fucking Great Debates forum. You are a fuck. Proselytizing in other forums will be deleted. In the fucking Great Debates forum, proselytizing should be limited to fuckin’ threads started for that purpose or to which a discussion of religion and related matters has some relevance. Proselytizing inserted into inappropriate threads will be deleted.
Only one screen name is permitted per user. Wanna burn? If you wish to fuckin’ change screen names please notify the fucking webmaster and we will deactivate your sorry old screen name. Use of multiple screen names is grounds for revocation of your sorry right to fuckin’ post under ANY screen name. You are a fuckhead.
That appears to be the version we have to agree to if we want to post in the Pit. I mean, once someone agrees that they are a fuckhead, what else could they possibly complain about? 
Another “suggested” update for text on the SDMB:
I think the “Get ready for pain” part is particularly appropriate.
Uncle Beer: It’s funny to see the Agreement like that, but the first line caused my heart to elide a few beats. The only time I’ve ever seen that being posted by a mod is when Someone’s Fucked Up, and since I’m the OP here…
I guess it’s time for me to quit speedreading to see if anyone’s mentioned my name. 
(Seriously, that shit made me laugh out loud. “Refusal to fuckin’ cooperate with board moderators or to fuckin’ abide by these rules is grounds for revocation of your sorry posting privileges.” Indeed. :D)
Oh, and a 419 scam:
The fucking path
of the fucking righteous motherfucking bastard is beset on
all sides by the fucking inequities of the fucking
selfish and the fucking tyranny of “wonderful”
fucking assholes. Blessed is he who, in the fucking
name of charity and GOOD will,
shepherds the fucking weak through the fucking
valley of darkness, for he is truly
that bastard’s brother’s keeper and the fucking finder
of lost children. You will feel my burns. And I will
strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those
who attempt to fuckin’ poison and destroy
my cockgobbling brothers. You are a fuckmonster. And you and your monkey will know my fucking
name is the fucking Lord when I lay my shitty
vengeance upon you and your jive."
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds that bastard’s blood with my stupid ass
Shall be my fucking brother; be he ne’er so god-damn vile,
This bullshit day shall gentle that bastard’s condition:
And gentlemen in England now a goddamn-bed
Shall think themselves accursed them cocks were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.
The Front Page.
It’s oddly perfect.
Have you heard the latest news on Michael Jackson?
Heh… I love what it does to Poe:
Here are the lyrics to the “Uncle Fucker” song from the South Park movie, put through the Burn Maker:
And here they are again, put through the Burn Maker twice: