Get off the phone and be present in the moment!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A lot has been said about cell phone usage while driving and in other public situations, probably much of it on this board before my time.

Certainly, it should be completely illegal to use a cell phone while driving. At the very least to do so shows poor judgment, which means only the worst drivers do it to begin with. These are the last people who need to have any more challenges to their eye/hand coordination. When they are on the phone their minds are elsewhere. They are, in a very real sense, not paying attention and are not really present behind the wheels of their vehicles. When the light turns green in front of these people and they fail to perceive it because they are BUSY TALKING ON THE PHONE, and I honk, it’s clear they have no clue at all what I’m honking about. I suspect they forget where they are.

There really is no place at all where it’s polite or sensible to use a cell phone in public, unless it’s in a parked car with the windows rolled up. I can’t fathom being on the phone in a crowd of people, because I don’t want my conversations to be overheard. Personal conversations are meant to be private. That’s why phone booths have doors on them.

The worst offenders in my opinion are the people in stores who are on their phones. They are invariably speaking at about twice the level of a decent conversation, and many of them are shouting. I can be rolling my grocery cart along behind one of these people at a steady pace, but if the person on the other end of the phone says something interesting the Phoner comes to a complete and sudden halt, and everyone behind her has to stop and wait. I have been in near-empty stores with a person at the other end of the store on the phone and I can hear every word. That is not what I came to the store for. It is rude.

I have visions of women in stores on the phone with women in other stores, and so on across the state, the nation, the world. None of them exists where their bodies are.

I also never hear anything of the least interest in the part of the conversation that I’m forced to listen to. Do you?

I was utterly flabbergasted the other day when I was in a store looking at clothes. I’d been trying to stay away from a woman on one of those headphone things so I could be tranquil and enjoy my shopping experience. The next thing I know she’s entered my personal space (no doubt not being away of my existence) and is standing 2 feet away from me, looking directly at me and smiling. “I love you!” she exclaims heartily. “Hello?” I said, realizing she was looking not at me, but through me, beyond me.

She clicked back into physical reality and gave me a dirty look, as if I had ruined her good time. I probably had.

I recently read an etiqutte column in which a hostess was bemoaning the fact that her guests often arrived on the phone and stayed on the phone most of the time they were in her house, and THEN WANTED TO GET ONLINE using her computer. The advisor in the column suggested that the hostess “try to be understanding of your guests’ other priorities, and set a time when your guests can use your computer.” As if!

I wonder how healthy it is to have our brains somewhere other than where our bodies are. How much of the time do we get to not pay attention to our surroundings? If it’s now considered okay to be on the phone loudly in stores, in doctor’s offices, and even in movie theatres, when is it considered correct to be present in the moment, calm, undistracted, paying attention to what is directly around us? And why is that apparently considered to be such a pointless thing to do?

Our bodies and brains are one unit. Our eyes are in the front of our heads so we can see what is directly in front of us, not so we can continually turn inward. Our ears are on each side so we can hear what is around our bodies, not just so we can have one ear free while the other is listenening on the phone. And we have two hands which we need to use for driving, because God knows most drivers are barely competent to begin with.

2

When I posted something along these lines a while back, a lot of the response I got was along the lines of “What’s so great about the moment?”

3

Well how sad. At the very least, the moment is where we’re supposed to be, n’est-ce pas? Are we supposed to believe these people find a series of “uh-huhs” more attractive than the chance to interact with their environment?

4

Better to have loved and lost . . .

5

She was so not my type, and she didn’t even offer to buy me dinner first.

6

I think phone use is in some ways analogous to TV watching. Some people turn the set on when they desire to watch a specific sho and then turn it off, and others just have it on all the time, flicking thru the channels, or as background “company.”

To use sociologists’ term, there is a significant portion of phone conversations that build “social capital” - maintaining, strengthening, and creating all manner of ties, which are good for individuals and society. But then there are a great many calls such as you describe that strike me as mere “filler.” Time wasters, if you will, because people have decided that they are bored with their daily routine.

Another aspect is that people - for whatever reason - have styled their lives that they feel the need to “multi-task.” A longer commute, a perception that they need to work longer hours and have 2-income families to afford more things, what have you. So the cell phone contacts you see and hear are taking the place of prior generations face-to-face meetings which many people no longer feel they have the time for.

7

Ah, the fear of silence, the fear of being alone with one’s own thoughts. Or one’s own lack of thoughts. . .

Telephonic butt-sniffing.

God I hate that term. It is simply not possible to multi-task. We do one thing, then another, then another. Sometimes we do them in very quick succession, but we are never doing more than one thing at once. Most of the time people who convince themselves they are “multitasking” are doing several things very poorly.

I think we’re also getting into the “I’m too stressed to do one thing at once” excuse, which is nothing but poor planning and bad decision-making on the part of the complainer.

I discovered a long time ago that people make time for what is important. If they do not make time for a thing, it is not important, no matter what they say.

A few years ago I got back in touch via e-mail with my best friend from high school. After a few messages she said “Give me your number and I’ll call when I can after my meeting, while I’m jogging and before I go to the library with the kids.” I told her to not bother since she was so busy. I really thought after all that time it would have been polite for her to sit down in a quiet place and call me, without other distractions. I did not want to be multitasked.

I think many many people stay busy in order to avoid having to be alone with themselves. I also think it makes many people feel they are more important if they routinely have so many things to do they can’t get them all done. It seems pathetic to me, a result of making very poor choices and sticking with them.

8

I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, I’m a daydreamer. At any given moment, I can usually think of at least five things that are more interesting to me than my current surroundings. Anything that means people are not expected to be as aware of their surroundings is a good thing for me.

OTOH, I hate talking on the phone. When mine rings, my response is usually something on the order of, “Oh crap, who wants what now?” And talking on a cell phone while driving tends to make people drive slower, and I hate slow people in traffic, especially ones who don’t stay in the right lane.

9

Fascinating. Why is this? Are your surroundings very boring? Aren’t there people/animals/environment to interact with?

Sounds like you don’t want to talk on the phone. So turn it off. Be happy.

10

I’ve long said that if a group of people are assembled for a single purpose, using your cell phone is out. In the grocery store? That’s okay, cause the individual shoppers are not assembled. At the checkout line? Nope.

The only other complaint I have is the person who is holding a conversation with me that suddenly stops when their cell phone rings. I’m left standing there like an idiot, listening to a conversation I don’t want to hear. I usually walk away (Oh, I thought we were finished). Why is that voice on the other end of a line more interesting with a real person standing in front of you?

11

When there are people or animals to interact with (especially friendly dogs or cats to pet), I’m happy being in the moment. But when I’m doing something like driving somewhere- that’s just boring. Most of the shopping I do is boring, too- how exciting can shopping for groceries be? Being in a crowd of people if I don’t know any of them is usually boring, too- I’m generally not interested in the details of the lives of people I don’t know, so I don’t people-watch or listen to others’ conversations for the most part. I’m an introvert, and have a lot of trouble hearing a conversation over the sort of background noise you get from a crowd, so it’s extremely unlikely I’d meet someone new in a situation like that.

History, astronomy, physics- those things are interesting. Conversations of people around me or the same scenery I see on the commute to work every day or what I’m supposed to buy at the grocery store- that’s boring.

12

Driving and using a cell phone is dangerous for sure. And while I’m all for being in the moment - I didn’t get a cell phone until I had to and I really do think people are using cell phones and other things to avoid the world around them… I don’t agree with most of the OP.

Unless they are yelling or getting in your way thoughtlessly, I can’t interpret someone else’s cell phone use as rude to you.

Then don’t use one in public, obviously.

“Meant to be” by whom? If people don’t care if their conversations are private, then that’s that. There are, of course, many door-less phone booths. I can’t remember the last time I saw one with a door, not that you see them very often anyway.

I don’t know why you think it’s important to get off the phone and be “in the moment” when you’re doing something like shopping for groceries or standing in line, which basically leaves your mind unoccupied. I don’t mind being alone with my thoughts, but I don’t think people who use their time or brains differently are stupid.

Yes, it is.

Rarely. I get a laugh out of them once in a while.

This sounds like complete nonsense. Are you going to argue next that it’s unhealthy to use our imaginations? If so, I think I’m in the same boat as the cell phone yappers.

13

I’d like to take up the cudgel for people on mobile phones here.

First of all, the person on the phone is every bit as real as the person before you.

Then, the problem with getting a call while having a conversation is that you cannot gauge the urgency of the call without taking it. You know that the present conversation isn’t urgent, but the incoming call may be (even if it probably is not either)

I for one do get urgent calls - my parents are ailing, and they sometimes need help - especially when my mother gets hallucinations (which is hard on my father too) and I need to calm her down and talk her back to reality. Everyone who has the least amount of family and/or friends is needed in an emergency occasionally. So shutting oneself off isn’t really the perfect solution.

Of course the majority of mobile phone conversations are unnecessary and vapid - but that’s also true of the majority of face-to-face conversations, and we have them anyway. (There is the problem with excessive volume on mobile phone conversations - I suspect a factor is that the phones get you insufficient feedback on your own speech)

Granted, the average mobile phone conversation is, to third parties, more annoying, inconveniencing and even dangerous than the average face-to-face conversation.

But the total of face-to-face conversations is more annoying, inconveniencing and dangerous than the total of mobile conversations. (Do you never get blocked in a passage by people intent on their conversation? Did you never, when driving, almost drive into a ditch because your passenger wouldn’t take your hints that the road is icy/you need to merge at high speed, etc, and shut up?)

I suspect that many more people are killed by drivers talking to passengers than by drivers talking on the phone.

And there is one major advantage of a mobile phone conversation over face-to-face: you can always press the hang-up button and later blame it on poor network coverage.

14

Well, it’s true.

What, exactly, is there to savor about milling about in some vast crowd of strangers? Why should I not talk to a friend on the phone for fear of someone eavesdropping on a conversation that he feels to be inappropriate? Why should I not use my phone in a store to call someone and make sure I’m picking up everything I need to?

Most of the complaints of the OP can easily be applied to two people having a conversation in a public place while they’re both present; should people stop having conversations in public at all?

15

I very rarely use my cell phone in public for anything but quick calls (“Which cereal did you want?” and the like), but I still disagree with this. I usually hold myself to a “would it be rude to talk to another person if they were present” standard for cell phone use. For example, a grocery store would be fine, as long as you don’t go above the volume you’d use if you were with someone else, and as long as you don’t talk about anything you wouldn’t talk about in public with someone who was present. If I can ignore two people talking, I can ignore someone talking on a cell phone. A restaurant where you’re meeting a friend would be rude in my mind, as it would be obnoxious to talk to someone who was present if your friend couldn’t hear or understand the entire conversation. That’s my rule of thumb, anyway. YMMV.

I also think it’s a bit odd to assume that people are necessarily busy due to poor decision-making. Sometimes people just go through busy periods, and it’s impossible to plan every aspect of your life if there are many other people involved with your plans. People who have children, many relatives, hobbies, full-time work, and a spouse can be busy in ways that aren’t completely within their control, and they can’t just drop everything to devote time to you, no matter what you think would be “polite.” I suppose she shouldn’t have offered to call you, but she probably wouldn’t have been bothered if you had mader her the same offer, so it was more likely an example of you two having different standards of communication rather than intentional rudeness on her part.

16

I relish my alone-time, so I’m having trouble understanding what you mean by “boring.” Obviously our expectations are different. I love silence and the less input the better for me.

17

I admit to being relatively phone-unfriendly in general. I don’t even answer my land line most of the time, and I’ve used my cell phone 3 times in as many years. However, I don’t much mind when people use their phones in public unless I am in a place where I cannot get away from them, like a doctor’s waiting room. It’s not that it annoys me as much as that I don’t feel comfortable being privy to whatever conversation they’re having. I was raised to respect people’s privacy and not to eavesdrop on conversations, and I have a hard time overcoming those scruples. I think sometimes people actually forget they’re sitting 5 feet from a bunch of potentially hostile strangers, and I’ve heard some pretty personal conversations carried on in public places. If someone is particularly obnoxious about it–talking too loudly, for instance–I just join right in on the conversation, nodding at their comments, laughing at their jokes. It usually gets the point across.

Driving, on the other hand, seems to be completely incompatible with phone usage (let alone texting), but not any more so than putting on makeup, reading the newspaper, or shuffling through your CD collection.

18

I like my alone time too. But I like to use it to think about stuff like history or astronomy that may have nothing to do with my current surroundings.

19

Here’s two anecdotes for you:

  1. I was in the grocery store checkout line and the woman in front of me was chatting loudly with a woman who had recently checked out and was passing by. I learned from their conversation that they hadn’t seen each other in years, and some details of their recent vacations and an upcoming wedding. Their conversation slowed down my checkout process because the lady in front of me was not paying attention to the checker, who needed her coupons, her drivers’ license and her check. Once she was out of my way, the lady and her friend continued to chit-chat in front of the checkout aisles and block customers trying to leave. They were in front of the exit still when I was trying to leave, blocking me.

No cell phones involved - just a face-to-face conversation.

  1. My dad and I went to the cable company to exchange his cable box. It was a very small, quiet waiting room and there was a line of about 5 people. It was taking forever. The girl in front of us was talking on her cell phone. My dad and I were talking to each other, just as loud as she was talking. Everyone could hear us and everyone could hear her.

Neither her cell phone use or me & dad’s conversation held up the line (the receptionist was doing a great job of holding up the line all by herself).

What’s the difference between me & dad’s conversation and the girl on the cell phone’s conversation?

In both of these examples, people were in THEIR moment, not mine (well in example 2, I was part of the moment). It seems like the OP is frustrated would be fine with the yakkity strangers because he/she can hear both sides of the conversation - which doesn’t involve him/her anyway. It’s when you can’t eavesdrop COMPLETELY that it gets frustrating.

20

I’m sure anyone - myself included can find an example or three or even twenty of people in cell phones not being a bother, and of people who are not on cell phones being rude and insensitive.

No, not at all.