overlyverbose, don’t feel bad. That’s usually the first thing people ask… “Well, why the hell did you not report him then and there?” People who ask this question have probably never been in that situation. It’s freaky scary, and many people are in a minor state of shock. You’re confused, upset, scared, and don’t really know how to react, except to get as far away from what you perceive to be a dangerous situation as possible. Now that you’re calmer you can give the management a more coherent account of what happened. Good luck.
Which is exactly what he is counting on, I’m sure, and how people keep getting away with stuff like this. Don’t let him.
It doesn’t really matter if is it is an “acceptable response” (acceptable response to whom you are referring I don’t know; it is perfectly acceptable in many cultures including some in the U.S.). It is a proportional response with assault in = assault out. It is certainly quicker, more effective, and involves less hassle to the victim than whatever other recourse they may have later. Anyway, it was a sudden reaction by the victim during the assault and victims shouldn’t be judged by immediate responses to assaults to their person IMHO.
Mmmmmmm. Fiesty. Growr. 
d&r
So, you’d have no problem with the reversal of the situation I posed above, then?
I’d have a problem in that situation, fortunately I don’t have a problem with double standards.
I understand what your getting at, but I think context is the key. Although he wasn’t “harming” her, he invaded her personal space. IMO you have the right to defend it in any manner possible. The point is he’ll think twice about grabbing some ass next time.
I think what Shagnasty is saying is that when a person is assaulted, they generally react without thinking. It’s not most people’s gut reaction to pause and think to themselves “hm, what would be the appropriate response in this situation? I could deck him, or I can make a formal complaint to HR and wait while they do an investigation into both his background and mine and…” For most people, the gut reaction is to jump away and yes, in some cases, take a swing at the assaulter. For others, it’s to just sit in shock, like the OP did. No one should be faulted for any of these gut responses. They’re completely instinctual and the actor has not had an opprotunity to weigh the pros and cons before reacting. They just react.
[sub]please note I’m just referring to immediate reactions here, not reactions that occur after the actor has had time to reflect[/sub]
I think slugging the guy that hard is wildly inappropriate, but a kneejerk reaction is a kneejerk reaction. Sometimes your fist moves before your brain has a chance. Of course, if we accept that, then we have to consider accepting the so-called gay panic defense.
An option that people don’t often consider is simply walking away. It solves the problem quickly, no one gets hurt, and you won’t get fired or arrested for it.
This happened to me once. A guy in maybe his 50s approached me on the street once. He was kind of creepy looking in that it looked like he neither bathed nor washed his clothes for about a month. I figured he either wanted money or directions, so I did the polite thing and heard him out. His questions were rather personal, starting with “How you doin’?”, and racheting up to “Do you jerk off?” within about five questions.
I suddenly realized that there was no social custom obligating me to keep talking to him, or to stay there, or even give an excuse why I was leaving. I just left.
Actually, I would.
While I agree that ass-grabbing is not physically harmful, unless you’ve been groped, you may not understand how humilated it makes you feel.
And, unlike whistles and cat-calls, which can also be degrading, the actual physical contact takes it one step further.
It’s as if you no longer have the rights to your own body.
I had a boss that was an ass pincher.
I was working as a waitress at a family run restaurant
He got me once-hard enough to leave a bruise.
I was young and I really needed the job so I didn’t do much more than yelp.
Oddly enough, when I asked the other women that worked there about it, they were divided on the issue.
Most just rolled their eyes, implied that it was the price of the job, and suggested that I avoid being alone in a room with him.
A few mumbled something about him being from a different culture and even hinted I should be flattered.
I took care of the problem the next time he slimed up behind me.
I was slicing bread at the time and when his hand hit my butt, I whirled around and waved the knife at his throat.
I think I said something along the lines of “If you ever touch me again, I’ll cut you first and then tell your wife, sister and daughter why you’re lying there bleeding.”
Would I have actually done it?
No way but the threat kept him off of me for the 3 years I worked there.
When you communicate with these dickheads-you have to find a language that they can understand.
And anyone, man or woman, that considers it acceptable to manhandle another human beings body sexually without their permission, is a callous idiot who may not get a more subtle warning.
overlyverbose, I know you were disgusted and confused last night so I fully understand why you sat there.
However, do as the other dopers have suggested and call the manager today.
Oh, you’re absolutely right. My point was that her response was inappropriate for the workplace; if we all acted on kneejerk instict, it’d be a madhouse out there. No one (least of all me) is saying the guy’s action wasn’t completely unacceptable, only that she could have chosen a more appropriate course of action.
Also, when you have the element of suprise, you don’t have to hit a guy all that hard to send him staggering.
I once decked a guy who had 8" and 100lbs on me with an elbow to his stomach (I am 5’2" and slightly built). I do not have any self-defense or martial arts training. I just don’t like to be grabbed from behind, so I screamed and nailed him one (Specifically I screamed “Why are you being such an ASSHOLE!?”). He went down gasping for air while my guy friends stared.
Did I mean to send him down? Hell no. Could I have repeated the incident without the element of surprise? Not a chance.
But actually, Q.E.D. wasn’t his action extremely inappropriate for the workplace to start with?
I just remembered a situation where it was a male friend of mine that was grabbed in the crotch by a drunken female buffoon at a party.
He responded instinctually and shoved her-perhaps a little harder than he knew.
She landed on the floor and although her bum may have been bruised the next morning, I think his response was perfectly acceptable.
I think it depends on the workplace. Law firm? Definately not appropriate. Oil rig? Possibly appropriate.
It was, and I said so:
Metacom: Good point, but oil rig women are abreed apart in any case.
You have the right to think what you want; however, when you are a female working a maintenance window in the middle of the night with a male counterpart with literally no one else in the building, to me is was appropriate.
The co-worker was standing between me and the door when I turned around, and I did feel threatened.
Not to excuse the guy, but I’m trying to see how his mind worked throughout this annoying and embarassing episode.
I’m currently reading Gavin de Beckers book “the gift of fear” on dealing with agressive people, and the OP’s example is a textbook case.
This guy probably is utterly and desperately clueless when it comes to dealing with women (or people, for that matter). He probably thought: “hey, I’m doing okay so far! She keeps sitting next to me, even when I’m touching her, and we’re having an actual conversation! Sure, she tells me to get lost, but her actions tell me otherwise!”
Or maybe to him, any attention was better then no attention at all. Pity and a course in social customs would be the best course of action to him, imho.
And I agree with Tdn that walking away is usually the best response. It served me well, on occasion. I do it with a vague smile if I don’t want to insult a vague aqaintance or trigger agression; I walk away with a vague I-don’t-notice- you-look from beggars, salespeople, and other strangers paying me unwanted attention.
QED’s remark on a knee-jerk response having to be in proportion to the crime reminded me of the time I felt a hand stroking my butt. I had just taken a course in self-defense and had developed a killer backwards kick. Also, I was wearing heavy boots. Luckily, I looked back before I kicked. Behind me was a four-year old toddler, who had wandered off from his parents. His little hands had left off stroking my butt, and he was now gazing in admiration at the purple colour of my bag.
My kick would have driven my shoe right into his sweet little face.
I also read that book, and the part that stuck with me was to beware of people who don’t accept your first “NO”. If you say “No” to someone, and they persist, they are trying to impose their will on you, and you should get away from them, and fast. It’s a good way of protecting yourself from creepy asshats and preventing situations like the OP from escalating. If they don’t accept your first attempts at resisting, what makes you think they’ll accept your third? Or your seventh?
I believe you mean Shagnasty, no?
Fair enough. 