Dear sir or madam,
You or one of your authorized agents entered my property today and placed an “Elect Dan Branch” sign on my lawn. You have 10 business days to remit $50,000 for a half day’s billboard lease (you’re lucky I had to come home at lunch). Please send your payment promptly to avoid late fees and possible collections action. You may recover your sign at your convenience; it is the one lying in the gutter looking as though it had been mauled by a gorilla with dysentary.
Do you see what happens, State Representative Dan Branch ? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?! This is what happens, State Representative Dan Branch! This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
Please find enclosed my check to you in the amount of $50,000.
You have 10 business days to remit $100,000, for damage to my limited edition, personally signed by Dan Branch, election sign. Please send your payment promptly to avoid late fees or possible collection action from my team of gorillas with dysentery.
Honorable Representative,
Thank you for your prompt payment. I have forwarded your invoice to the city of Dallas. To date, they have ignored residents’ requests for animal control to come out and do something about the wild gorillas running loose, shitting all over the place. While it is unfortunate that your sign was damaged, perhaps this will be the final straw that spurs the city to action.
Have you seen the picture on the front page of his website? Even Mitt Romney looks uncomfortable to be near Dan Branch. Dude could really have used your help to increase his street cred.
Pardon the confusion, it was I, the mysterious Sign Ninja, who frolicked through your yard this morning. Your dismay startles me. :eek: How could one not appreciate a sign of such stature signifying the support of such a superior statesman!
After searching all afternoon, I was unable to find this hidden treasure. I am willing to offer my house, my car, and my SOUL for any information that leads to the discovery of this authentic, autographed token of American history.
That would be the best attack ad voiceover line ever.
Yes. I will require access to the Smithsonian (all of it) after-hours on alternate Fridays. Also, my assistant is a wooly rhinoceros. I trust that accommodations will be made.
Will this suffice?
I also have need of some sign ninja-ing in the near future, do you have experience working on a monumental scale? Please call the state department, ask for the minister of the exterior’s assistant.
