Getting around that damned bottle cap

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

If you buy the 1.5 liter containers of Listerine mouthwash, maybe the cap drives you a little buggy like it did me.

To open the damned bottle, you’re supposed to squeeze the cap—simultaneously and precisely—at 2 places. Otherwise it jams on you. For me. this was a recurring pain in the tuchas.

After years of thought, and hundreds of thousands of lab tests, I have developed a patent-pending solution that I will let you in on at no cost.

FIRST, HOWEVER, KNOW THAT THE CAP IS A GUARD AGAINST CHILDREN AND ADULTS WHO MIGHT ENDANGER THEMSELVES BY OPENING THE BOTTLE AND SWALLOWING THE MOUTHWASH. IF THIS IS NOT A CONCERN IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD, READ ON. OTHERWISE CONTINUE TO BE FRUSTRATED BY YOUR DIGITAL DISFUNCTION AND LAMENTABLE LACK OF COORDINATION

Remove the cap from the bottle and examine it closely. Notice two nibs that project from the cap. With a decent pair of scissors you can cut these nibs off. Then, put the cap back on the bottle and voila! Problem solved. No more squeezing, no more jamming.

Ooo! The phone is ringing. It must be the Award Committee. I’ve heard rumors I’m up for the Nobel Brilliancy Prize as a result of this revolutionary concept.

But don’t worry, I won’t change; I’ll still smile benignly on all you little people who who pay taxes.

2

More likely, the bottle cap police.

I’m sure you have been visited by the mattress tag rippoff police before, so brace yourself. They can be brutal.

3

Man you better hope that no kids wander off the street into your house and open that completely unprotected bottle of listerene, drink it and die. You are going to be in for a world of hurt if that happens!!!

4

Just decant it into a soft drink bottle. Preferably one marked “Ninja Turtles Atomic Lime Flavour”. Safety first, and all that. :smiley:

5

VYVYAN: It’s a potion I’ve invented where when the patient drinks it he turns into an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac! It’s basically a cure. For not being an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac. The potential market’s enormous!

NEIL: [taking a Coca-Cola can out of the fridge] What, is this it?

VYVYAN: Yeah! Yeah, I put it in a Coke can so nobody’d drink it by mistake.

NEIL: [placing can atop the refrigerator] You know, I just bet a bit later on somebody does drink that and turns into an axe-wielding, homicidal maniac!

RICK: Yes, I bet that as well. That’s just the sort of crazy, imaginative thing that happens around here, isn’t it?

6

I just tried your method. The blood squirting to the ceiling is a sure sign I have severed an artery. If the EMT’s get here in time expect to hear from my attorneys. Otherwise, my heirs. At any rate, you may as well just endorse that prize check and forward it to me.

7

I kept a smaller Listerine bottle and refill it as needed. Easier to handle. Only have to open the bigger bottle 3 times.

8

I keep small bottles in our cars. It’s nice because when I then go into a store, I’ve just recently rinsed and I know my breath doesn’t reek.

9

I had that problem, too. Drove me buggy. I decided to quit using the stuff. Then I had my own Amazing Brainwave.

I gave the bottle to my then-five year old and asked him to open it for me.

Problem solved.

10

That was a wonderful tip. I ran right into the bathroom and cut them little suckers off both my smaller and larger bottle.

Works like a charm, I owe ya a drink.

11

Marginally less annoying is the plastic wrap that you have to remove from the cap before you can enjoy that first minty swish. It’s really stiff and sharp and I always get so frustrated that I can’t pick it off with my fingernails that I try gnawing it off, looking like a small dog trying to get a grip on a bone and hurting my teeth in the process.

12

I just don’t snug the cap down after I use it. Really, the only reason it is on there at all is to keep the cats from sniffing at it, or the contents from evaporating.

13

But that’s why God gave us scalpels.

14

But if you circumcise the cap, you automatically qualify for Rabbi.

15

Hot damn! That’s worth it.

<snip, snip>

Old shul!

16

I’d like to suggest one more step towards bottle cap sanity. When you buy a new bottle of the same brand/kind/size, reuse the old, altered cap on the new bottle and save yourself some snipping.

17

Does the store staff have anything to say about spitting in the parking lot?

18

Mohel.

19

I don’t spit in the parking lot, but on my street or in my own sink, etc.

But, now that you mention it, I’ll go for the parking lot.