Well bit of an update. I made an appointment to get a $35 consultation with a lawyer, through a local non-profit. That was tonight. Sat down and explained to him my situation. He said he didn’t think that I could get the Japanese divorce recognized here. And was shocked that Japan even issued a divorce for a marriage that was done in the US. He explained that my case was quite unique, and thus quite complicated. He felt the best thing to do was to just pursue a divorce through the American courts and quoted me the fees for their services. Basically a $500 retainer and he guessed at least $2500 as a total amount in the end. Of course, he seemed a bit iffy on that and said it might even be more.
So there it is. If that’s their sliding scale for someone with NO job, I shudder to think what the cost is for people who aren’t in financial straits. At this point we’re back at the beginning. There’s no way in hell my ex will agree to pay for that, and I sure can’t afford it. So he’ll probably insist we do it ourselves. On a lighter note, I mentioned my original idea I posted here, about filing without children, and his eyes got real wide and he was like 'Oh…yeah no…you should NOT do that. Not at all." It was a bit funny the look on his face.
Yes, I called the Attorney General and they had no clue. Transferred me to the Secretary of State of Foreign Affairs. They had no clue. Transferred me to the Notary
and Apostille department. They had no clue. Told to call my local court. Who…of course. Had no clue. So I don’t even know. The lawyer seemed to not believe it was possible at all, even though I told him I’ve heard of people doing it. I feel like I’m just stuck.
Sounds like a real clusterfuck. What you need is a family law attorney who deals with foreigners. If you want to PM me or post your geographic location, I can ask around the office for someone in your area. Trust me, people get divorced in different countries from where they got married all the damn time.
I agree with Eva Luna that you probably need a lawyer who’s familiar with exactly this area of law. Everyone else seems to be throwing their hands in the air because it’s not a procedure they are familiar with. Don’t spend big money just to keep things within the procedures that one lawyer (and a bunch of people answering the phone) is familiar with.
Question to ask an attorney, would an annulment be an option?
Since you are not expecting any child support, would telling him that if he doesn’t do the documentation, you will file the Birth Certificate with “Father Unknown” and he’ll lose all parental rights do any good?
You’re probably right and I appreciate the offer, but I literally have no money at all to obtain legal services. I was hoping the ‘charity’ I was directed to would help but that’s not an option. So I’m gonna just have to figure this out myself some how.
I personally don’t need it for anything. I have no real need to get divorced asap. When I brought the Japanese divorce up with the lawyer (and people at the court) they all said ‘I’ve never heard of that, so it must not be possible’. More or less. I might try contacting the Attorney General again and try to avoid getting sent to transfer hell.
I live in Oregon where annulment is never an option. First thing I thought of honestly. And no, he doesn’t care about parental rights. As far as he’s concerned, she’s no longer part of his family and has no desire to keep in contact with her. Keeps insisting it’s the ‘Japanese’ way, but I think he’s just being a bitter jackass. But then again, I’m a bit biased lol
Thanks for all the help and suggestions everyone. It’s really appreciated. This is stressing me out beyond all belief because he’s pushing this so hard and wants me to drop everything else in my life (including school) to get this done. He’s also ‘threatened’ me to get an American lawyer himself to do all the work, since he has a ‘friend’ here who is one. Since I highly doubt this ‘friend’ will represent him, let alone for free, I’m not too concerned so I just told him good luck with that. I think my next step is to try contacting the courts in Portland and hope they have more experience with this sort of thing and can give me better direction on where to go.
Wait. Now I’m confused.
So he’s the one who wants to get divorced and you’re meh about it? Sounds like that ball is in your court so why are you stressing over it? Tell him the ground rules and to call back when he decides he’s actually going to do something about it. I mean you’re the mom and he wants nothing to do with the child, you’re broke and probably few if any marital assets to speak of and he probably makes more than you so if it is alimony he would pay. What can his attorney possibly do to hurt you? If he’s the one that wants out I suspect he will be more of a mediator than trying to screw you.
Yeah, why are you making any effort at all on this if he’s the one who wants it, and he’s not supporting you or the child in any way? What’s he going to to, move farther away? It’s not like he can send you less money.
Tell him "Sorry, I don’t have the time or money to work on this. But let me know if you make any progress. " Heck, if you want then add “Though the one guy I talked to did say something about a child support agreement as part of the divorce…” and see how fast he hangs up/changes the subject. I mean, I think most US Courts would tend to grant child support in this situation, so you’re giving up something substantial with a no-strings divorce.
Mostly because I’m trying to keep him ‘happy’. He doesn’t want anything to do with our daughter but his mom does. And I know him and his family well enough, that if he gets pissed off over this, he’ll make sure his mom doesn’t talk to me or her granddaughter again.
I’ve told him about child support before, which he thinks is ridiculously unfair for him. He even offered to ‘compromise’ by promising to send me 1% of his monthly income. As long as I sent him thank you notes each time. And receipts detailing exactly what I spent it on. And if I should ever get married again or start seeing someone seriously, the money would stop. And of course, if he ever got married again, it would stop as well. Needless to say that’s not going to happen.
I guess what it comes down to is I’m really, really hoping that him not wanting anything to do with his daughter is a ‘phase’. And that if I only appease him on this, maybe he’ll want to be part of her life again. I dunno. I know it sounds ridiculous and that I really shouldn’t even be bothering but…he’s already blamed me enough for things that have happened, I just don’t want to give him something else. For some reason it’s important to him to get divorced in the US too, so I AM trying my best to get it done. But it’s not my number one priority, which is not ok in his opinion.
You might also try writing a letter. It’s easy for someone answering the phone to say ‘sorry, never heard of it.’ But a letter has to be replied to with a letter, which requires that the task be assigned to someone who will then have to put their name on the reply. This means that if a little research is necessary, it has more of a chance to get done.
Also, the letter often has to be routed to their boss for review before it goes out, or the boss will get a cc. It’s harder to just shrug and say ‘sorry, never heard of it’ in front of your boss.
I’d be shocked if a U.S. judge would just dismiss the child support issue out of hand, even if he/she doesn’t think you’ll ever see a penny of it. Maybe he would stop being so gung-ho about an American divorce if you look up your state’s child support formula and he gets wind that someone might actually want some money out of him. And that child support is not alimony, and has nothing whatsoever to do with your (or his) relationship status.
With all due respect, you need to get clear on child support. Every state I know of, and I doubt Oregon is different, support is the right of the child and neither parent can refuse it. Also the amount is usually a formula of what both parents make. In other words, he can’t negotiate anything about support and neither can you.
Does his mother live in the US and if so does he come to visit her. If he is in default of child support can he be stopped from entering the US? I understand you want your child to have a relationship with their grandmother but you cannot be the martyr here.