Divorce and Spousal Support?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m looking for some advice about spousal financial support during and after a divorce. The short version is I’d like some advice on how much, if any, financial support I should give my (ex-)wife once we are divorced.

A brief background, my wife is Colombian and immigrated here in September 2015 on a K1 visa. We were married 2 months later in November. We applied for her adjustment of status and by late January or early February 2016 she had received her conditional 2 year green card. The marriage was mostly ok. It was a tough adjustment for her, not speaking the language or knowing many people. Plus the winter weather in the northeast didn’t agree with her. And for each of us it was the first time living with a partner. But she was taking English lessons and starting to meet some people.

So in March 2016 she decides to return to Colombia. Her mother was in ill health and other family members there were not doing their part in caring for her. My wife expected to be away for only 2 months. Well, 2 months turned into a year. She visited the US briefly in the summer and I visited Colombia over New Years. We were in almost daily contact with Whatsapp and occasional Skype conversations.

In March of this year I brought up the need to apply for a new visa (an IR-1/CR-1) since after being outside the US for a year border control generally considers the temporary visa to be abandoned and will not readmit the person. It was at this point that she was reluctant to start the visa process and she proposed that a divorce might be better for the both of us. It’s not what I had wanted, but the thought had been in the back of my mind for a while as well, and agreed that it was probably best given the situation.

During the time she was away she had access to my ATM and credit card. She used both responsibly for her necessary expenses. I had no problem supporting her during that time. Once the divorce was brought up though, I cancelled both. Over the last 3 months I have continued to wire her money though, to help her pay her rent and other expenses.

So here’s the crux of the matter. We’re at the point where court papers need to be signed and filed. Initially when the divorce came up she said she did not need any financial support, as she had been able to get by before we had met. Now though, she is asking for my support for an additional 10 months or she will refuse to sign the papers. So, advice?

Legally I am almost certain that I would not owe court ordered alimony given the brief duration of the marriage. But the fact that she won’t sign the papers means the divorce itself will become more expensive for me. I’m not necessarily opposed to giving her some additional help, and have told her so. Ten months seems excessive to me, but it’s not that much in the grand scheme of things. It’s more the principle of it, with her holding the process hostage if I don’t agree.

So am I being too hard hearted? Is she maybe trying to take advantage of me? Thoughts?

2
  1. Get a lawyer who knows international divorce law
  2. See step 1
3

1st, talk to an attorney.

Generally in the US when you get divorced, if you were fully supporting your wife when you were married, then there is some expectation that you continue supporting her for a period time during the separation and after the divorce. 10 months, in my opinion is not unreasonable. How much are we talking here? What % of your gross monthly income is she expecting. Remember alimony payments are deductible from your income for tax purposes.

4

She was responsible when she used the cards. She initially said she wouldn’t need any help. She seems like a good woman. You have sent her funds, and you seem a good man. And she is now saying she does need help for ten more months.

It doesn’t seem too much to ask, to me. You’ve both behaved with civility thus far. Ten months isn’t very long to get yourself situated, I think. I’d send it with your sincere best wishes for her future endeavours.

Good Luck!

5

I agree with others about talking to a lawyer to understand what is required. However, my philosophy, developed over a lifetime of battles, is not to fight over money for “the principle of it.” I’d rather spend the money and be free of the drama. (assuming what she is asking for won’t break the bank). I ended up paying my ex much more than I was required to.

6

Yes, check with a lawyer familiar with such an international situation.

You are correct that the conditional green card goes away and you basically have to start over. My wife had that challenge 20 years ago in a much more forgiving environment, we both were living together in Asia, and it was a great pain to sort out.

My advice is that 10 months is money well spent as long as the lawyer okays it. An amicable parting, you can feel good about doing the right thing and move on with your life.

7

Talk to a local family law attorney.

8

If it were me, I would give her the ten months support. But then I have used a lawyer only once in 80 years (when I was selling a house). I prefer keeping it that way.

9

Since no one seems to have thought of this yet: Contact a lawyer.

Exactly how much “support” is she asking for? Hard to say whether it is fair or not without knowing that and also knowing how much of a hardship it will be for you. I would say you owe her nothing since she is the one who wanted the divorce. But no reason you might not offer to support her for a short duration as long as it is a reasonable amount of money.

10

You definitely need to talk to a lawyer before you pay anything. I’m not sure I understand why you would pay her money for 10 more months. She pretty much left you and is not coming back. Don’t pay anything unless a lawyer says you should.

11

I think you’re being taken advantage of and I don’t see why you owe her anything. If she were still in the US I could see supporting her longer. But presumably your soon-to-be-ex was capable of supporting herself before moving to the US. She only lived with you 7 months before returning home, then she gets a free ride for the last year+ (which was fine seeing as you were still married), and now she’s trying for more. If you play her game I’d be prepared for delay after delay on the divorce papers. As others have said, talk to a lawyer first, but I’d call her bluff and see how she likes missing next month’s rent.

12

I would too, but it depends on how problematic you want things to get. Do you really want to get into lawyers or legal battles, or do you just want out? You’ll still need an attorney to write up the agreement, but you can probably find someone in a second floor walk-up over a coffee shop (like I did) to do the work for a few hundred bucks.

13

Although I wouldn’t think less of someone just because they chose the “get an attorney” route, I’m with elbows and Hari Seldon. It is unfortunate that she is sort of extorting you by refusing to sign the papers, but except for that it appears that you’ve both behaved responsibly and considerately up to this point. Sure, you could get all legalistic about things and fight it, but why not just let it go and get on with your life?

14

Well, I’d disagree with “she” behaving considerately at this point (saying “no help” then demanding it)…

I would say that if you do provide her with support (to which, honestly, she isn’t morally entitled: she moved here, and almost immediately abandoned you), you need something from her formally stating that she will sign the papers at the end of the 10 months.

Because otherwise, frankly, I would expect that she will ask for an extension at the end of 10 months.

Aside from the international aspect of it, your state may well have laws that allow you to divorce her for desertion after this long a time. You may not need her signature on anything. That is where a lawyer can advise you.

All that said, if you can afford the spousal support and don’t mind doing so, it’s a kind thing to do. Just… be cautious.

15

Hire a family lawyer to handle the matter for you.

Have your lawyer draft a comprehensive separation agreement that sets out quantum and duration of support with all the lawyerly words to bind her to not coming back for more.

Have her hire a lawyer to give her independent legal advice prior to her signing the agreement.

Then go for a divorce one the waiting period is over.

16

Here’s an update on where I’m at now. I’ve got basically the same sentiment that Hari Seldon stated, pay the support and avoid the lawyers. I didn’t state originally, but the monthly support is only $500/month, so $5k in total. I’d imagine lawyers fees and the cost having court papers served to a foreign address would be just about as much.

So at this point I’ve agreed to pay the $5k in payments over the next 3 months. I’m waiting to hear back her response. My sense is she’s not going to sign the papers until she has received all (or at least most) of the money. So I expect to delay signing the papers until latter this summer, once the payments are complete. We’ll see.

Her stated reason for changing her mind about needing money is that it has been very difficult for her to find steady work. I don’t doubt that this is true, though I’m not sure how much effort she has really put into the search. She certainly didn’t start looking for work until the divorce process was begun. At least in retrospect it bothers me that she hadn’t been working earlier, though to be fair it didn’t bother me at the time.

What most annoyed me about the current situation is that I am supposed to be travelling to Bogota this Friday so that she could sign the papers in front of a notary at the US embassy. She only brought up the money issues on Monday, after the trip had been planned and paid for, despite having had the divorce documents and their translations for over 6 weeks. I don’t think I would have been nearly as upset if she’d said, “Yes, I’ll sign the papers on Monday, but could you help me out for the rest of the summer.” But who knows, that’s easy to say after the fact. But whatever happens I’m going to be for flight changes and losing booking deposits. Part of me wants to deduct those costs from whatever I do pay her, but I know that is just pettiness speaking.

To address a couple of other comments. Mama Zappa, I am a little worried that she could ask for more at a later date. I don’t think she would do that…but I didn’t expect this situation to pop up either.

To others, yes, I have considered using a lawyer. Initially, since this was going to be a no fault divorce with both parties mutually agreeing to all the separation terms, it seemed that a cookie cutter package was going to work out fine. And it would have until things changed in the last few days. To this point it hasn’t cost me much more than some possibly wasted time and $300 having the papers typed up. If push comes to shove and I do go the lawyer route, I’m not really worried about paying the extra support. While I’m annoyed with how things have played out, I don’t really begrudge her the money. And based on my understanding of NJ divorce law, there is essentially zero chance that alimony would be due for a marriage that lasted less than 2 year (and in this case really only 4 months). So the only extra cost would be the lawyers fees.

I do appreciate all the advice. It’s helped me cool off a bit from my initial annoyance on Monday. I’ll post at least once more after I know what direction things are headed for anyone interested in following the soap opera.

Thanks.

17

Perhaps you can make the extra ten months payout conditional upon her signing in Bogota, as you’ve already sprung for the airfare? Maybe suggest the second fare, if required, will by necessity have to come out of the $5000 payout? And let her choose which she’d prefer!

Good Luck to you, I’m certain you’re on the right path.

18

Can you get the by Friday? For that amount of money, just consider it the cost of the lesson learned. I would have an attorney check it out if you can. Preventative legal fees are infinitely smaller than what it costs to fix problems.

I had to pay my exwife to obtain a divorce in Japan. We could have fought for years in court, but instead she got the money instead of the attorneys.

19

Could you offer her a lump sum–like $4k or $4.5K–on Friday if she signs? Even if you have to borrow some of that and pay interest for the three months you were going to need to raise the money, it might be less than a second plane ticket, and it will be over.

Also, people like lump sums. She might take less to get it all at once.

20

So here’s where things stand.

I took Manda Jo’s advice, agreed to pay the full $5000 and borrowed the money to get to that amount. I came to that decision on Tuesday evening. I informed her that was accepting her request and sending the full amount by Monday. I immediately sent $1000 that I had available and borrowed the remaining amount. I use Xoom to send the money, it is a Western Union type system for sending money internationally. So that money was deposited in her account by Friday morning. The money I borrowed (a credit card cash advance) wasn’t available in my account until Friday morning. And due to Xoom’s system limit I could only send a max of $3000 per day. So on Friday morning I wired $3000. I couldn’t be 100% certain, but I expected that this should be deposited in her account by Monday, before we were scheduled to sign the papers.

I was almost certain that if I waited until Saturday to wire the remaining $1000, that it would not be in her account by Monday, or at least it would be very dicey. So, while still at home on Friday, I texted my wife and explained what I laid out here. I gave her two options: 1) I could wire the final $1000 on Saturday with the understanding that she would still sign the papers even if it had not deposited in her account by Monday. Or 2) I could give her $1000 in cash when we met on Monday. I texted her all of this at by 8:30 in the morning. My flight was scheduled to depart at 4:30 pm. I was willing to go forward with whichever option was most convenient for her. Despite not hearing from her, I was all set and ready to walk out the door headed for the airport.

She responded at 12:40 pm. Option 1 was unacceptable, she would refuse to sign unless she had all the money. Option 2 she didn’t like because she is worried about carrying that much cash around with her. At that point I was starting to get a bit angry. I sent a couple of :mad::mad: emoji and restated the two options. And then said that I was trying to do what was most acceptable for her and that she wasn’t leaving me with many options, especially since she sprang this whole situation on me less than a week before the meeting. I should note here that you have to schedule an appointment to meet with the notary at the embassy about 2 weeks ahead of time, so it would not have been possible for me to extend my trip for a single day, waiting for the funds to deposit.

She sent a bunch of emoji crying with laughter back at me, making light of the whole situation. I’ll admit this pissed me off a bit, but I did not let that creep into anything else I said. She then asked what the problem was, apparently not understanding everything I had already said about the banks and transfers and so on. So I restated everything as clearly as I could. She did not reply at all. It was now 1 and I got in the car to head to the airport. Still no response. 1:10 I sent a message saying I was headed to the airport, but that I would cancel the trip if I didn’t hear anything. (My dad was driving, I was not texting and driving.) Nothing.

So 1:45 I sent a message that I was cancelling the trip and heading home. At 2:08 I finally get a response. She says that I should wire the remaining money and if it is not in her account by Monday then I can just give her the remaining $1000 in cash. At this point we had already turned the car around and were headed home. I didn’t bother explaining that this wouldn’t work, since if I sent the $1000 but it doesn’t deposit until say Tuesday and then also paid $1000 in cash that she would be ending up with an extra grand since I wouldn’t be able to claw back the money I had sent.

So, it wasn’t too late for me to head back towards the airport, but I decided it just wasn’t worth it. I just had no confidence that she would end up signing the papers once I got there. I told her that I was cancelling the trip, heading home and would be speaking to a lawyer. She said ok. She claims that she had no internet connection and couldn’t respond. This might be true, but I was getting read receipts on all the messages I had sent, so she had enough of a connection to get my messages. Maybe I should have gone through with it, but I was afraid that the way she wanted things, she was going to end up with nearly all of the money that she wanted and I was going to end up with forms that had a bunch of dotted lines and no signatures.

And that’s where things stand. I went home, cancelled the transaction for the $3000 that I sent that morning, cancelled my flight and lost my money for the hotel. I plan to speak to a lawyer this week. I don’t expect to speak to my wife except to maybe confirm her shipping address for the handful of personal belongings I was going to return during this trip. At a minimum she now has the $1000 that will get her through the next couple of months. Despite everything that has happened I’m not necessarily averse to sending more money, but will wait for the advice of a lawyer before doing anything else.

I do appreciate everyone’s advice. Thanks.