It wasnt me, i swear…i wasn’t even in the Duluth Holiday Inn the night before Thanksgiving
Bolding mine. You answered your own question.
You are being used. It will not end well if you stay.
i know it bothers me but when a woman has her mind set on something..
there is no stopping her …also she is at that age her clock was ticking like crazy
OK, waitaminute here–
You were with this woman for 4 years, right?
Did you actually propose to this woman, and then she said NO because she didn’t want to marry someone she couldn’t conceive with?
Or did you just string her along for 4 years with a, “I might want to get married at some point and maybe I’ll have it reversed at some point, too, but it’s not the right time.”
BigSteve, for all the advice you may get here, only you know whether you are up for it or not.
You prevaricated about trying the vasectomy reversal, probably because you didn’t want to be a father again, and she felt time was running out for her and did what she did.
If you get back with her now, you will become a de-facto father and probably assume all the rights and responsibilities just as if you were a new father. If you feel you can handle all that again, and want to stay with this woman - give it a try.
But if you feel uneasy about being a dad again, you’ve got to let her know that’s not what you want and let her go.
If you love her feel free to go along for the ride, but (assuming this is a real scenario and not a dance puppets dance setup) you need to be very clear what your intentions are regarding your role with respect to the child.
You sound pretty ambivalent about taking on role of the father for a newborn again (and I would feel the same at your age) 46 is pretty long in the tooth to begin all over as a daddy.
Per your OP you seem to have a tendency to procrastinate and drag things out. If you are not prepared to be legally and financially responsible for the child you need to let her know NOW, not just before the baby is ready to be born.
If I was in your shoes beginning all over again as a baby daddy at 46 (I’m 54) would be way more than I would want to get into especially if I had 4 existing kids. If I was super wealthy it might be a different issue, but a child will be an enormous financial drain that will involve serious lifestyle compromises. If she insists you have to be signed on as daddy to be with her, you need to understand you will still be responsible for this child until the age of 18 or even possibly 21 even if you break up again.
He’s ignoring everyones advice,
I have a question for everyone; has there ever been a newly registered poster who immediately started to post provoking threads who ended up not being a troll. I wouldn’t be half surprised if he started going on about how perky and paralysed from the neck down he was.
Unless this woman is demanding you pay all her bills and everything else, I don’t see where the “user” accusation is coming from.
She wanted a baby, badly enough to break up with you in order to find someone to have one with, but she seemed to care enough about you to go back to you before she found out she was pregnant. If y’all weren’t together when she was with the other guy, its none of your business what she was doing with him.
She’s gonna have this baby with or without you. What you have to decide is whether you want to be part of it.
My questions:
- Can you imagine marrying her and taking part in the day-to-day actions of raising a family with her?
- Do y’all fight a lot? Any cheating? Was the vasectomy the only major thing coming between y’all?
- Are you going to have a problem with your GF becoming mommy in a few months? That in itself is natural. But if you need to be her first priority in the relationship, its gonna be a hard road ahead.
- You said you were putting off reversing the vasectomy for “the right time”. What was the right time? A rich relative dies and leaves you five grand? You pay off the last of your child support payments? Or were you just stringing her along?
You’re 46, yes, which is older but older men than you have their first child, and you at least have gone through teething, potty-training, etc. You say your GF is a keeper, you’ve been with her for four years and you seem attracted to her physically and as a person. You’ve adopted one kid so it doesn’t seem like you need a biological connection to bond with a child. I would sit down and think it over seriously if I were you.
It sounds like she does care for you but wanted to have a child/children and ultimately not being able to have a child with you was a dealbreaker for her. That’s legit; everyone needs to know for themselves what they can compromise on and what is nonnegotiable.
Now you’re in the reverse position: you have to decide if your lady friend having a child is a dealbreaker for you. Think very carefully about what you want and what you’re willing to accept and what you aren’t. Soon there will be a child involved and it deserves to be secure and wanted by the adults in its life. If that can’t be you, you can’t be sorta-kinda there for it.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend need to have a very serious conversation about what you want from life and from each other and what your expectations are. There can’t be any more ‘Well, maybe …’ going on. What do you want? What do you need? What does she want? What does she need?
well i was about to get her a ring and she said “dont” she wanted to make sure that i was gonna get the operation first before she made any commitment.
i had my other kids out of wed lock so i wanted to atleast do it right this time
no being a father again is not a problem. cause if she did get pregnant by me i would have no problem with it. I guess its that fact that its not mine that bugs me alittle…over time i can get over how she concieved it .
I have to mention that when we decided to get back together she didnt think she was pregnant and that i was gonna go and get the operation..but a few days later she found out she was…
im not ignoring it …i hear everyone loud and clear…most of you are saying to leave …but im not sure if you guys have ever really been in love ..cause i feel that way about her. being a dad is awesome and i love doing it , im not the go get 20 yr olds and vacation every other month. I love the zoo , amusement parks, chucky cheese..i have been a dad half my life i dont know what to do when im not…
If this kid was mine i wouldnt be on here…i guess its just how she got pregnant is what im fighting with… 
How does the unborn child’s father feel about all this?
to answer your questions
- yes i have asked her to marry me twice (unoffically ) i have been divorced for over 20 yrs now so i am ready to re-marry and she is perfet for me
- there was never cheating we were with each other everyday we had a great relationship…just after the 2nd yr she wanted kids , and i wanted to make sure she was the one…(got burned before didnt want to get burned again)
3.no i have no problem with her becoming a mommy that was never a issue - i got reversed cause of the child support i had to pay TWICE that killed me , thats why i got the vasectomy in the first place ..didnt want to go down that road again…but she has my heart
YES i do love her its not the fact that she is pregnant ..im cool with that
its hoping i can get over “how” she got pregnent is that issue…
true i am in that postion right now and yes we both have said that we need to have that conversation. i love kids so it doesnt matter to me
its how she concieved it is what im wondering if i have a problem with…see if she already was a mommy and i meet her i’d be cool , it the fact that it should have been mine that stings…!!!
dont know…not my issue ..!!
Seriously? You’re thinking of committing to spending the rest of your life with this woman, raising this man’s child as your own…and you don’t think he factors into the equation?
Yeah. That sounds stupid coming from the I-wouldn’t-have-my-vasectomy-reversed guy.
If you’re not over how she fell pregnant by now, you’ll probably never be. Notwithstanding therapy.
no its not like that i just want to make sure im doing the right thing..
i told her i want to be there for her…but its good to talk and hear other peoples opinions …i have pretty much told myself that i love her and i want her in my life …
im using this as a sounding board just to get things off my chest
So…is it like :
- “I love you bigsteve1966 and I accidentally got myself inseminated by a [del]man who no longer matters[/del] sperm bank, but now we are together with a baby like we intended, and you don’'t even have to spend 5000 dollar on a reversal of your vasectomy.”
or
- “I like you bigsteve1966, but I wanted a kid so bad and whenever you stand in my way I’ll do what I want over what you want.”
My advice? You obviously want to be with this woman, you don’t mind being father to the kid, the mom wants to have the baby with you, the biodaddy isn’t interested. So the best solution for all involved is if you could all commit to the view in “1”. Can you?
In general; if people have enough incentive to believe something, they will. And they believe it even more if they give themselves more incentive. So give it a couple weeks to see if you don’t develop really strong anti feelings; and if you don’t, then, just go. Commit, burn your bridges behind you, and your mindset will follow.
FWIW, she sounds not like a user, but as somebody who really knows what she wants, asks openly, waits a reasonable time, and then goes for it, and makes it happen, and then tries to make the best of the situation for all concerned. That is not a bad trait.