Ghastly puns

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I’m sure you’ve all heard the one about the legendary Foo Bird. I’ll tell it anyway, as it is essential to the understanding of the sequel:

An ornithologist went to a tiny tropical island to see the legendary Foo Bird, the most beautiful and rarest bird in the world. After much searching, he comes to stand under a tree in which the exotic fowl is nesting. The professor is peering up at it when suddenly the bird relieves itself, soiling the good doctor. He immediately washes the poop off, despite the protests of his native guides who believe the droppings are sacred and should not be removed. Soon thereafter, he goes into a seizure and dies.
The moral of the story?
If the Foo shits, wear it.

Another pair of scientists come to the same island. On the day they arrive, they are so taken with the beauty of the calm waters around the isle that they decide to swim to shore. One swims ahead of the other, right through a brown cloudiness in the water that came from some seals nearby. As soon as he is rinsed clean, he goes into spasms and dies. His partner quickly swims back to the ship, declaring:
“Even the sea is accursed here, as any seal can plainly Foo!”

42

And of course there was the old west saloon where the dog burst in and declared “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”

43

My favorite pun was between myself and my best friend, Eugene. His father (also named Eugene) has a rather serious digestive problem (gets the runs all the time, on medication for it, etc). Little Gene, one day, was suffering from the runs and had to make a rather rapid trip to the rest room. My response to this:

It runs in the Genes.

Hey, it was funny at the time, and it still pisses the hell out of Gene if I mention it to him.

Jeremy…

I can think of no more stirring symbol of man’s humanity to man than a fire engine - Kurt Vonnegut

44

BenDover told the Trids’ saga much better than I could; however, in the version I heard, the Trids had arranged for some religious officers to negotiate w/ the monster. After the priest & the minister failed, the rabbi tried and asked the critical question. The response - “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids”

There were two trains that were coming at each other. The engineer on one train, a Norwegian, was supposed to be on this stretch of track; unfortunately, the engineer of the other train was seriously drunk. As the engineers tried to stop the trains & prayed, miracuously the trains switched places on the tracks and everyone was saved, because…
Norse is Norse & soused is soused & never the twain shall meet!

45

In a certain remote village, there was but one item of value: the king’s jewel-studded solid gold throne. Jealous of his wealth, a gang of thieves managed to steal it one night. With much effort, they hoisted it up and hid it in the rafters of the gang leader’s hut. Alas, that man died in bed that very night. He was crushed by the mighty weight of the treasure as it fell through its flimsy supports.
The moral?
People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

46

How about making that “never the trains shall meet”

47

I went to visit a friend in rural Georgia. As we walked a red-dirt road, we came upon an old man pounding the road with a tool that looked something like a sledgehammer. I asked him what he was doing.
“Wellll,” he drawled, “Ahm keepin’ th’ road surface packed hard, so’s it don’t wash away.
See, this heah clay soil was once home to a huge grove of nut trees. Now it ain’t good fer nothin’. * Muh hammered alley was once cashews clay*.”
I was dubious, but my friend said knowingly:
“He’s the gradist.”

48

I will now burden you with a true story.
I once worked with a woman who was an exceptionally good mathematician. One day we were recounting confusing things that had happened to us in childhood. She described how in her Catholic school she used to confuse the feast of St. Blaise (where two candles are used during the blessing of each child’s throat) and the Easter Vigil celebrated on Holy Saturday (at which time there is a blessing of candles).

I immediately asked “So you confused your Blaise with your Pascal?”

Tom~

49

Once upon a time, there was an umpire known to every baseball team in the nation as being mean, petty, and foul-mouthed. One day, after a particularly rough game, he came home and really needed to unwind, so he decided to read his little boy a story. He called his son: “Come here, boy, and sit in my lap, so I can read you a story”. The boy came, but wouldn’t sit in his lap. No matter how much he tried to persuade him, the boy still refused. Why was this?

Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire…

50

There’s this gem from, I believe, Tom Waits:

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

51

Zyada, I like your version better - I’ll have to change mine!

And another really stupid one:

When researchers cut open one of the moon rocks, they discovered that it was hollow and contained a small, round, furry creature that, amazingly, was alive! Because of a typo, its label of a ‘rarity’ was misspelled ‘rary’ and the name caught on. Researchers soon discovered that the Rary had a voracious appetite and could (and did) eat any and everything. It didn’t breath, didn’t shit or pee, didn’t sleep; all it did was eat and GROW. It grew so fast that before long it wouldn’t fit in a cage and required an entire room. Then it outgrew the room and they moved it to a banquet hall. It soon outgrew the banquet hall, so it was housed in an airplane hanger.

And boy, did it eat! Food, clothes, lab equipment - you name it, the Rary ate it. Animal, vegetable, or mineral, living or dead, it didn’t matter - the Rary ate anything that didn’t move fast enough to get out of its way.

The researchers decide to try to curb the Rary’s growth by limiting its food, but the hungry creature immediately ate through the wall of the airplane hanger and began ravaging the countryside. The citizens were soon in an uproar, demanding the Rary be recaptured or destroyed.

Since there didn’t seem to be anything the Rary couldn’t eat right through, the government decided to destroy it. The soon found that the Rary was apparently indestructable - poison? No luck. Shoot it? Ate the bullets. Drop a truck on it? Truck just bounced off and the Rary ate it. Freeze it? Slowed the Rary down a little, but didn’t kill it. Blow it up? Bombs just singed its fur and made it hungrier. Lasers? It just absorbed the beams and went on eating and growing. Atomic weapons were out of the question because of radioactive fallout.

Someone finally decided that a fall from a great height might work, so the government decided to use helicopters to lift the Rary to the top of Mount Everest, then push it off the highest point.

Helicopters fastened cables to the Rary and struggled with it to the top of Mount Everest. The intense cold slowed the Rary down some so that workers could carefully position the creature right at the very edge of a huge cliff, where a single light nudge would tip it over the edge.

Geraldo Rivera was there, of course, to cover the event, and right in the middle of things, as usual. There was a lot of speculation about whether or not this latest attempt would be successful, and Geraldo decided the viewing audience needed a good look at the enormous drop the Rary would be making. He and his cameraman struggled up to the very edge of the cliff and peered over the side. The cameraman turned to Geraldo and said ‘Whadda you think?’ Geraldo replied:

“It’s a looong way to tip a Rary”.

The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke

52

Ah, an opportunity to tell of one of my greatest accomplishments. Years ago, but we still laugh to this day. Right off the top of my head, and immediate reply, almost without thinking:

Wife: Why do nuns always wear those things on their heads?

Me: It’s a habit.

53

When I was in grade school, there were two boys with (real) names of Jackie Susser and Jackie Levin. I once overheard two other kids talking:
“Who–Jackie Levin?”
“No! Twelve!”

“If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge

54

A coworker of mine had gone back to college and was taking her first english class in over twenty years. She was working on homework during a slow period during our work day. Our bosses 10 year old son was spending the day in the office too sick to go to school. The ten year old knew more than we did. The following exchange took place:

Coworker: What’s an acronym?

Me: Ummm, isn’t that the opposite…

10 year old :frowning: really stuffy) No, it’s like school bus.

Coworker & me: School bus? Huh?

10 year old: SCUBA…a word that each letter means something…

Me: ( realizing the kid is right but not wanting to admit it) Nah, Acronym is the Capital of Ohio.

Coworker:What’s an antonym?

10 year old: Opposites meanings. Like Hot/cold.

Me: No, silly, An antonym is where you put your hand over your heart and somebody sings before the baseball game.

55

I don’t know if this qualifies as a full-fledged pun or not, but it’s close, and it’s so hard to find anyone who’ll appreciate it.

A group of epidemiologists and a group of biostatisticians were both traveling by train from the University of Chicago to an AIDS conference in Philly. When they met each other at the train station, the epidemiologists noticed that, whereas each of them held a ticket for the train, the biostatisticians only had a single ticket amoung them. “How on earth do you expect to get all the way Philidelphia without getting thrown off the train with just one ticket?” asked the epidemiologists. The biostatisticians just smiled knowingly. “We have our methods,” they said. Once they were all on the train and on their way, they all heard the conductor moving down the train asking people for their tickets. Just before he reached their car, all of the biostatisticians jumped out of their seats and crammed themselves into one of the tiny lavatories at the back of the coach and locked the door. After punching all the epidemiologists’ tickets, the conductor noticed the occupied sign on the lavatory door, so he knocked on it. “Ticket, please!” The biostatisticians opened the door just a crack and slipped out their ticket. The conductor punched it and slipped it back. The epidemiologists saw all this and said to themselves, “That’s pretty clever!” So after the conference ended, the epidemiologists all met at the station with just one ticket for all of them. Then they noticed the group of bistatisticians hadn’t bought any ticket! “How do you possibly think you’ll make it home to Chicago without getting thrown off the train if you don’t have any ticket?” asked the epidemiologists. “We have our methods,” the biostatisticians smiled knowingly. Once the train had started and the conductor started down the cars, just before he reached thier car, all of the epidemiologists and all of the biostatisticians jumped out of their seats, crammed themselves into the two tiny lavetories in the back of the coach and locked the doors. Before locking their door, however, one of the biostatisticians crept over to the other door and knocked on it. “Ticket, please!” The epidemiologists opened their door just a crack and held out their ticket. The biostatistician grabbed the ticket and ran back to the other lavatory, slamming the door just as the conductor entered, and you can guess which group got thrown off the train before reaching Chicago.

The moral:
Never attempt to apply statistical methods unless you understand the underlying principles.

56

When I took music classes–piano or singing–at the local college, and used a music room, I sometimes wrote this pun on the blackboard with the tag line, “The Phantom Punster Wuz Here”:
“You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.”

57

Doe, exiting the woods:
“That’s the last time I do that for two bucks.”
Q: Name the country western singer who went to Central America to paint surreal art.

A: El Salvador Dali Parton
(A rare triple entendre)
Q: You heard about the country western singer on drugs?

A: Dolly of the valiums.
You heard about the gal who went upstairs with a Swede and came down with a fin (Finn)?
As the dentist said to his pretty assistant;
“Nicest set of teeth I’ve ever come across.”
More madness to follow:

58

True story:

I was taking some magnetic field strength measurements of a planar magnetron sputtering array, when my boss leaned into my office and asked how the data looked.

I replied; “Your Gauss is as good as mine.”

59

Oh look, a Zombie thread. Passed away last year, back among us a year later.

60

Cole’s Law - Thinly sliced cabbage.