It’s a well known fact that if you want improvemnets in your working conditions, you should always confront your boss about one issue at a time.
Never put all your begs in one ask-it. :rolleyes:
What do you call 20 floppy-eared animals hopping backwards in a row?
A receding hare line. 
True story:
A guest at one of my dinner parties was regaling the others with how, after fathering eight children, he finally reached the decision to have a vasectomy.
I leaned in from the kitchen and leered:
“A stitch in time saves nine…”
A mother and son were traveling to see her brother Al. He was the rich one in the family, had quite an estate. Mom tells Junior that Al has just put in a tennis court. The kid is suprised and says “I didn’t know that Uncle Al was interested in tennis at all!” “oh yes” she replies “Many’s the time Iv’e heard Alfred laud tennis, son!”
What do you call the cabs queued up at the Dallas-Ft. Worth airport?
The yellow rows of taxis…:rolleyes:
In the freshman year of high school I had a French textbook which endeavored to show English-speaking students how to pronounce French sounds. One was “œ,” whose approximate English equivalent is the sound of “u” in “up.”
The sound appeared in the French word œil, “eye,” and fauteuil, “armchair.”
The texbook repeated the two words:
œil, fauteuil, œil, fauteuil,œil, fauteuil,œil, fauteuil.
Hey, that’s what Americans traveling to France want to do: Go to Paris and see the œil fauteuil.
Speaking of French-related puns…
Why did the French hen lay only one egg?
Because one egg is un oeuf!
not to mention the time…
A local newspaper sponsored a contest for the most original pun, with a nice cash prize for the winner. A man in the town submitted 10 puns, in hopes that one of them one win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Oh yeah, and if straight groaners apply:
Q. What did the whale hunter say when he couldn’t find his comb?
A. Where’s my comb?
I once tried to impress a smartass friend of mine by reciting pi to 50 decimal places. He listened, and then told me that he could it just as easy. He then proceeded to spout off numbers at random, until I told him to shut up. His reply, “I’m making pi from scratch!”
I too have a French one, courtesy of my highschool French teacher.
Why don’t French people ever eat more than one egg at a time? Because one is always an oeuf.
Lessee, got one around here somewhere (rummaging through junk drawer)…
Oh, yeah, here it is…
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
There’s this businessman who always has to go on trips abroad. He avoids taking his wife with him, however, as she is an enormous spendthrift and always buys expensive souvenirs and trinkets.
One day his job tells him to go to the wilds of Africa for a conference. He figures his wife certainly can’t buy anything there, so he brings her along.
Sure enough, though, when he gets back to the hut/hotel where they’re staying he finds his wife in the possession of a large antelope.
“I just had to have him.” says the wife. “Look at his cute grin.” Sure enough the antelope has a silly grin. “He’s talented too, according to the herder who sold him to me.” says the wife. “Though I don’t know what his talent is.”
“We can’t keep an antelope!” says the husband. We live in the suburbs. The yard is too small. There’s no where for him to go."
“I thought of that.” replies the wife. “We can keep him in the guest cottage. It’s almost finished and we really never have any company anyway.”
The husband gets mad but eventually relents, and they take the antelope back to the states.
When they get home, the husband leads the antelope into the guest cottage. It’s an almost-finished two room abode. Only the floor tiles have not yet been laid. Figuring that the antelope couldn’t care about such things, the husband shuts the animal inside, bidding it “good-night.”
The next morning the businessman enters the cottage and is shocked to see the flooring completely laid, in exquisite and tasteful pattern. And standing in the middle of the floor is the antelope, grinning madly.
The guy is of course stunned. He decides on an experiment. In his own home is an unfinished bathroom, where the wall and floor tiles still needed to be put down. That night he shoves the antelope into this bathroom.
The following morning when he enters the bathroom, the businessman finds all the flooring and wall work done. The workmanship is perfect. And standing in the middle of this now finished bathroom stands the antelope, wearing a shit-eating grin.
Now the businessman is half-crazy. He’s got to know what kind of weird animal this is! Quickly he gets on the phone and after an hour of trans-continental calling and waiting he finally get’s the herder who sold his wife the antelope.
“What kind of strange antelope have you sold us?” asks the businessman.
“It’s not strange at all,” says the herder.
“It’s a typical gnu, and tiler too.”
Q. What did Buffalo Bob Smith say when Desert Storm started?
A. “It’s Saudi Duty Time!” :D:D:D:D:D
My sister kiffa asked me what whales ate.
I told her krilled cheese sandwiches.
::dodging vegetables, brachy runs out the door but trips anyway::
You know that sound you hear when you log on to the internet?
That’s the modemon.
And then there was the time that a guest at a hotel put his shoes out to be polished. The man opened the door just in time to see a very large cat take off with his shoes in its mouth. At the same time, the bell boy walked by and said, “This place has had a problem with cats lately. I’m gonna get rid of them if it’s the last thing I do” A few minutes later the man saw the bellboy coming back up the hall carrying a cat. The man said, Pardon me boy is the cat that ate my new shoes?
What do you call it when a primate from Borneo rants and raves about the quality of his dessert?
An oranguatan meringue harangue.
Another long one: A guy applies for a job
as a school bus driver. He gets hired and
is told he only has to make three stops
to pick up four children. And he gets to
drive the special bus with the Sesame Street
characters on it.
At the first stop two fat girls get on. One
says “My name’s Patty.” The second says
“My name’s Patty, too.”
At the second stop and really weird looking
boy gets on and says “I’m Ross, and I’m
so special they call me special Ross.”
At the third stop and little be-bop boy
gets on and states “Hey, Man. My name’s
Lester G.”
The bus driver starts driving and notices
a really gross smell. He looks in the real
view mirror and sees Lester has taken off
a shoe and is picking at a bunion on his
foot. The driver races to the school, drops
off the children, goes back to the garage
and screams “THAT’S IT.”
The boss goes “What’s wrong.”
“What’s wrong. I’ll tell you what’s wrong.
You’ve got me driving two obese Patty’s,
special Ross, Lester G picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus.”
Aw, I was going to use that one!
Writer Josefa Heiftz wrote a volume called From Back to Verse, including a musical phrase from Rachmaninoff’s 2nd Piano Concerto to which this lyric was to be sung:
I know a music buff
Who chooses “rock” because he isn’t man enough. :D:D:D:D:D:D
When they were beginning to build the new ice rink in Kennedy Plaza in the middle of Providence, RI they couldn’t get the bulldozers in because this fat Buddhist guy had set up shop in the middle of the land they were going to use and wouldn’t leave. And him and his followers were generally making a nuisance of themselves, at times almost coming to blows with the townspeople. Eventually, though, they were able to sort out their differences in a meeting which has become known as the Buddha Pest Rink War Tete.