I haven’t heard a good joke in forever. Somebody tell me one. Nasty, religious, political, I don’t care, you can’t offend me (but you can gross me out, so don’t go into fucking babies or dead things).
Did you hear about that dead thing that was fucking babies? Well, neither did I.
HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!
Moderator Notes:
Well, we care. Jokes are fine in this forum, but the vocabulary used should not be of a profane nature. Furthermore, derogatory jokes regarding religion and race are NOT tolerated anywhere on these message boards.
Carry on.
OK, so this black Buddhist, this Asian Zoroastrian and this Native American Roman Catholic walk into a bar …
Well, I was about to link to a rather long and impressively offensive thread that ran only a couple months ago in this very forum.
But since the rules just changed, I’m afraid I can’t help you for fear of getting in trouble.
Maybe you could do a search?
- Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
- Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
- Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” - There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
l0. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Maybe I should clarify.
The rules haven’t changed. It’s just that the wording of the OP seemed to invite the type of jokes we’d rather avoid. The OP being fairly new, I figured I’d point it out to him that there are limits to what one can post here. No big deal, and certainly not a threat to anyone wanting to post a good joke.
Cnote, if there’s a thread you’d like to link, by all means go ahead. If it wasn’t locked or censored a few months ago, it most likely isn’t going to be now.
A 30 year old man goes to the doctor for a physical. The next day the doc calls him to the office.
“I’m sorry, but you have only 2 weeks to live”, says the doctor.
The man protests," But I’ve never felt better, how can this be? Is there anything I can do?"
The doctor responds, “I suggest taking a mud bath every day for the next two weeks.”
“Will that help? Will it cure me?”
"No,"says the doc “but it will help you get used to the dirt.”
Ba dum bum.
I’ll make this as non-ethnic as possible. It’s not really part of the joke anyway.
A businessman gets a phone call from his brother in <insert ethnic city here>. The brother informs him that their father has died and the funeral is in a few days back in <…>.
The businessman says “I know I should be there but I can’t. Between family and work this is an impossible time. But I’ll tell you what: give Dad the funeral he deserves. Spare no expense, and I’ll pay for it.” The brother agrees.
Three weeks later, the businessman gets a bill for $14,035. He writes a check and sends it off.
A week later, he gets a bill for $35. Knowing that charges don’t all come at once, he pays it.
A week later, he gets a bill for $35. He thinks to himself “probably the florist or something”. He pays it.
A week later, he gets a bill for $35. He calls his brother. “What’s with all these $35 charges?”
“Tuxedo rental.”
What is the first thing a West Virginian does after having sex? Rolls down the window
Q. What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
<3 Birdie
PP (post post?): I really like that “no pun in ten did” and i don’t even think it’s cause i’m drunk, either!
What do you get if you cross the mafia with a post-structuralist?
An offer you can’t understand…
A dumb blonde needs to make an expensive overseas phone call to her mother but doesn’t have the money. She talks to the guy in the phone company office and wails “I’d do ANYTHING to get a call through to Mom!” “Anything?” he replies, arching his eyebrows. “Sure!” she says.
“OK, come with me” he says and leads her to an otherwise empty room. “Kneel down in front of me” he instructs, and the blonde complies. “Open my zipper” he says, and she does. “Take it out” he tells her, and she takes it out. Well, go ahead" the guy says. She brings"it" close to her lips, and begins “Hello, Mom?”
A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology. When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, “There’s lots of openings.”
ba dum- kish!
but wait… there’s more!
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts.
and lastly…
Q. What can 4 women do better than 3 women?
A. Me.
What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common? You can smell it but you can’t eat it.
Have you heard of the Australian kiss?
It is just like a French kiss but done down under.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped.
Do you know the difference between a hooker, a lover, and a wife?
(a) “Aren’t you finished yet?”
(b) “Oh … are you finished already?”
© “Beige … Honey, I think we should paint the ceiling beige…”
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fun guy!” (think “fungi” ;))
Q: What’s green and has wheels?
A: grass. I was just kidding about the wheels…
Can’t think of anymore…insomnia’s a bitch…
Three expectant mothers were in the waiting room of their doctor’s office.
The first woman said, “I’m gonna have a boy, because I had sex while I was on top!”
The second woman said, “I’m gonna have a girl, because I had sex while I was on the bottom!”
The third woman said, “Uh-oh, I think I’m gonna have puppies!”
What’s big, green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
– A pool table.
The question is, does it fall on cue?
What’s a zebra?
– 25 sizes larger than an A-bra
Why do they advise that you swallow Viagra quickly?
– so you don’t get a stiff neck.
Thanks very much folks, you’ve been great…
::running away::
uh-huh.
and how do you get a nun pregnant? Fuck her!!!ssssorrrry, but I must leave. My SO demands it!!!