Ah, the joy of having a friend with a wacky paranoid long-distance girlfriend!
My friend Tracy has been in a on-and-off long-distance relationship for approximately forever. Well, really about three years, but it certainly seems a heckuva lot longer than that to me. She comes to me with most of her troubles, since a lot of people immediately get all wiggy and say things like “Ew! Gross! You’re dating a girl! You deserve everything you get, you abomination!” I naturally don’t do that. I dispense sympathy and advice (only when asked) in about equal amounts.
Rhonda, the girlfriend, is a perfectly fine human being except for a few things. I’ve met her and had a good time hanging out with her before. Recently she’s been sending me a lot of IMs. I, being a friendly sort and having not much else to do, chat with her until all hours about this and that. I should mention that Rhonda is, as I mentioned, somewhat paranoid. She is horribly afraid that Tracy will cheat on her, or at the very least, break up with her and date others. She bases this on the fact that Tracy has never dated anyone else, and that “that’s what people do. They leave you.” She told Tracy not to chat online with anyone except a few select friends. Tracy obeyed. She told Tracy to delete her livejournal since she was talking to too many people through it. Tracy obeyed.
I got an offline Yahoo Messenger message from Tracy tonight to the effect that she wishes I wouldn’t talk to Rhonda anymore, since Rhonda is now afraid that she will “be like me” and want to go out and have sex with all sorts of people. (I was not aware that I wanted to do this, but I’m glad someone told me.) The only possibly sexually-related thing I can recall talking to Rhonda about recently (aided by an examination of IM logs, since they’re making me paranoid too) is a bit of joking about certain celebrities.
And before you say it, I’ve told her countless times to break up with the crazy girl permanently. Tracy always sighs and says, “I know, I know. But I love her.”
It’s good to be single, y’all. Better than I had realized, in fact.
sounds to me like Rhonda is giving Tracy excellent reasons for leaving her. Isn’t there a saying “the tighter you hold something, the more it will slip away”? If not, there ought to be.
Wow. Sometimes I am amazed at what some people are willing to put up with just to hold onto a relationship. I’m very thankful that, in general, I am content with my singlehood and don’t have to worry about problems like that.
This girl does truly sound like she has a mental illness of some kind.
Okay, I’m officially confused - not by the sexual thing; as a heterosexual man, the concept of dating women makes perfect sense to me - but by the communications issues. If I have your OP correct: You know Tracy in real life, Rhonda lives somewhere else, Tracy and Rhonda have a long-distance relationship, you sometimes communicate online with Rhonda, Rhonda is apparently upset by things you’ve said to her in online messages, Rhonda told Tracy she was upset, and now Tracy is asking you not to communicate with Rhonda anymore. Have I got this all correct? If I do, then why doesn’t Rhonda just stop IM’ing you if she’s worried about the effect it’s having on her?
You are correct. That was my first thought too. Rhonda generally sends me an IM every night and she hasn’t tonight, so I hope that’s the conclusion she reached as well. I’ve been wondering when the critical point occurred because our last communication consisted of pumpkin smileys and nothing more.
Urgh.
If a female friend of Tracy’s (I mean, if she’s still allowed to have those) were being treated this way by a guy, she’d realize that it was totally nuts and bad and a sign that the relationship needed to end, right? Right? I hope? Just because Rhonda’s female doesn’t mean it’s suddenly ok…
Talking to Harimad-sol makes Rhonda extra suspicious of Tracy for no good reason. Tracy is asking Harimad-sol not to talk to Rhonda so that Rhonda will only be suspicious of Tracy for the eight million other weird reasons she has. I think?
Anyone that worried about infidelity needs to pack up and move to where the other person lives. Period. It’s ridiculous to expect to be able to have that level of control over someone from a distance.
Exactly. In fact, I was being admittedly only mildly annoyed by a guy and Tracy immediately exhorted me to drop him. I called her on the double standard and she muttered a bit. Apparently it’s different, because when they finally move in together, Rhonda will trust her. I have my doubts.
It’s ridiculous to have that level of control over someone no matter how near or far you are to them.
Making your SO delete her live journal because she’s talking to too many other people? Demanding she only remain in contact with a small circle of friends?
Tracy knows full well my opinion of the situation. I was in favor of a permanent end to the relationship for the constant on-and-offness of it, if nothing else. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rhonda one day said Tracy couldn’t have contact with me anymore, since I am bisexual and thus a possible threat.
No, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but what in the situation does?
WAG: Rhonda has decided in her communications with the OP that she is No Good for her girlfriend Tracy and thus Tracy should cut off communications - just like Rhonda has gradually been pushing her into doing in other areas. First online communication, now pushing into “real life.” Definitely sounds like a controlling, possibly emotionally abusive partner.
There’s not a hell of a lot you can do without pushing Tracy closer to Rhonda, I’m afraid. Just let Tracy know you’re there for her.
Harimad-sol, I imagine you already know that you’re in a no-win situation here. Even though I am a hetro male, I lived with a lesbian couple for several years… and one thing that taught me - Lesbian couples can be as insane as some hetro couples.
With both parties apparently worried about the other cheating on them, I think it’s just a matter of time before things go very sour. The fallout of the eventual explosion can damage a lot, including your friendship with Tracy. Hopefully the friendship will win out, but things can get fairly uncomfortable for a while.
See, that was the part I didn’t get. Was Rhonda saying “talking to Harimad-sol makes me get all weird in the brain” or was she saying “talking to Harimad-sol makes me realize she’s a bad influence on my gal Tracy”. Who was she worried about? From the OP, I assumed it was herself; you’re figuring it was Tracy. And Harimad-sol is agreeing with both of us. Confusion all around.
Either way it’s bad news. Let’s put it this way - if we were talking about Ron acting this way instead of Rhonda, people would be filing restraining orders and calling women’s shelters.
Sorry. I thought you meant the effect it was having on Tracy–i.e. my being a bad influence. That’s why I agreed with you.
I don’t know how much can be done to keep them apart since one of them is in California (Rhonda) and the other is in Louisiana. They’re about as apart as they’re going to be, physically, anyway.
I know there isn’t anything much I can do. I’ve made my feelings known; I’ve told Tracy that I think they should break up, since the relationship is having such a negative effect on both of them. She says she agrees with me but keeps reconciling with Rhonda. All I can do is what I’ve been doing–being Tracy’s friend.
And not IM’ing or talking or anything with Rhonda ever again.
You could just eliminate the last three words of that sentence and it would make a heck of a lot more sense. :dubious:
I have a friend–we’ll call her “Elle”–who identifies as a lesbian but has typically dated guys because (in her own words), “There aren’t any dykes who aren’t alcoholics or don’t have a semi-trailer full of emotional baggage.” The paranoid/possessive thing seems to be, IMLE, common among lesbians. (Well, it’s common with heterosexual couples too…but there it’s “normal”. :rolleyes: ) Now she’s on the flip side; she’s dating a woman who, despite a reasonable number of decades beneath her belt, has never been in any kind of romantic relationship (and I thought I was developmentally limited?), and is convinced that the New Lady Friend is going to want to move onto greener pastures. Adding to it is that New Lady Friend’s best (straight) friend, jealous and possibly upset about losing free babysitting services, snubs Elle and refuses to invite her to any goings-on.
People :dubious: Most of them would make a better meal than dinner companion. I think I’ll stick with Irish whiskey and the hallucinations of mermaids it brings on in plenteous quantities.