Girls who have sex with relative strangers

In My Humble Opinion
101

Look, you’re being hardheaded. I think you know the answer to this question as well as any other human being, and this thread is purely masturbatory/condescending, but I’ll indulge you as if you were not a member of the human race and therefore had no idea of how our crazy little minds worked.

It DOESN’T change when they enter a relationship. They still think NSA sex with multiple partners is ok. They just don’t want to do it anymore.

And before you go, “But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???”, take a minute to think about it. You want different things from different people. You want your boss to be professional and courteous, your mother to be kind, loving, and supportive, your friends to be fun and good-natured. You want some random hot guy at the bar to be good in bed and un-psychotic. You want a potential emotional partner to be that (ideally) and charming, intelligent, witty, devoted, and any number of other adjectives. When you’re single, you’re a whole lot more likely to meet someone who is just attractive and willing than all of those other things, and if it’s at a time when you feel that particular stirring in your loins, you go “what the hell, why not” and have some fun. When you do meet someone who’s emotional-partner material, if you’re at a time in your life where you have time and emotional energy to invest, you do so, after which you may form a bond that is both sexually AND emotionally fulfilling, so you don’t have the need or desire to have casual sex anymore.

It’s like with music. I can turn on the radio and hear any number of catchy, poppy little tunes that make my foot tap, and sometimes, that’s just what I do. But sometimes, I feel instead like hearing a symphony, something soul-stirring, and in that moment, I wouldn’t change the station looking for Britney Spears. Of course, that’s not a perfect analogy, but the point is that sometimes in our lives we are looking for fun, and sometimes we are looking for something deeper. It’s ok to enjoy both, and if/why we eventually change our minds is only explicable on an individual basis, because there are so many factors that contribute.

I think what you’re really having a problem with is the idea that sex is not always sacred to all people, and honestly, if it is ALWAYS sacred to you, no amount of explaining is going to make you understand why it’s not to others or make you feel any less repulsed by those people. The fact is, sometimes, it’s just two bodies rubbing together in a way that feels good, and sometimes, depending on the partner and the mindset, it’s that and much more. You can sit on your high horse all day saying “but if the latter is superior, why would you EVER want the former???”, but the truth is, relationships require a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of energy, and some people would just like to have a good physical feeling now and then without the added baggage of having a partner whose every need you must be attuned to at all times.

102

I always had the same question but when I first became sexually active in the early 70s the question itself would have been met with blank stares and/or horror in the Catholic neighborhoods that I was raised in. We were just supposed to know that answer because it had been ingrained in us by our parents, schools, churches and the media for our entire lives. There was something vaguely frightening and dangerous about sex, it was a ‘wifely duty’ for women and any girl that did it before marriage was taken advantage of at best and a slut at worst, bound to get pregnant and face a future full of misery and woe. No one ever told us that we could like it. “Women’s Lib” was just kicking off but it hadn’t made much of a cultural impact yet. I don’t think that the pressure not to have sex did much to change our behavior but it made us feel guilty as hell and terrified that anyone, including most of our female friends, would find out. By the time that I got to college the pill was readily available, AIDS wasn’t a common fear yet and sexual culture had changed so much that no one questioned women’s sexuality and gender expectations about sex had done a 180 in a very short amount of time. It doesn’t seem that women that came of age after that point had the same guilt/confusion issues that women over 45 routinely did or had that sense that they were giving away something more valuable than they were getting.

103

I have a single anecdote (so obviously not broadly generalizable) regarding that. I had a good friend in high school, let’s call him Jack, who was in the closet. During this time he dated women and had sex with I believe one woman, while he was in high school. Later he came out and began dating men. His first significant relationship he was only on top, until his partner insisted that he bottom some times. After his first experience being penetrated, Jack told me that he understood why women are more restrained about with whom they have sex . . . as he said, “You’re letting something in you.” He said the emotional dynamic was totally different.

104

Thanks, Gestalt. I’m not arguing with you (because again, I understand that you’re not actually advocating these ideas), but…

1 and 3 seem like pretty antiquated thinking to me, of exactly the sort I object to. Maybe I’m just an extraordinarily simple creature, but I have sex because I want sex. It’s 2009. I, along with the vast majority of women, am perfectly capable of providing for my own financial security. I’m not interested in trading sex for anything, except, ya know… sex. Orgasm for orgasm seems a pretty fair trade to me.

And as for 2, well… if one isn’t prone to orgasm easily, then I concede that random NSA encounters probably aren’t for them. That said, far more women than men are mulitply orgasmic, so maybe the boys should be complaining about being “used” for unequal pleasure?

105

I wouldn’t assume this at all. Some of them are pursuing that afterglow high, some are secretly hoping it won’t really be NSA sex, and some are just drunk.

And the fact is, the entire first page of this thread notwithstanding, she does “get” something the guy doesn’t: a bad reputation. We can be all openminded and gender equivalent here in DoperLand, but in the real world, women who enjoy multiple sexual relationships at once or NSA sex are looked down on much more than men doing the same thing. Ask me how I know. :rolleyes:

And this seems especially true of young women, even in my own sex-positive-hippie-dippie-anything-goes subculture. My goddaughter and my son both had sex for the first time this year at the age of 15 (not with each other.) Both contemplated it beforehand, educated themselves and got condoms, were sure their partners were consenting and enjoyed themselves…in each case the community was “extremely concerned” and community meetings and drama ensued, but only the girls’ names came up as causes for concern. My son and the other young man were literally high-fived late at night around the bonfire. WTF? (Yes, I chewed everyone out for this double standard, and the girls did receive some private apologies, but as far as I know, I’m the only one to tell them that what they did was a beautiful and responsible thing.)

Dangerosa, I tried that line of argument with a guy once, and he said, “Do you have any idea how vulnerable you feel putting something of yours inside another person? Come over here and stick your finger up my nose, then.” He had a point. I couldn’t do it. And I *had *had sex with him!

106

You’re right, I don’t think it’s a big deal. I certainly believe you that some people do, and that’s great if it works for them, but… for me personally, it’s my vagina, not my soul.

107

In those situations, they are by definition NOT pursuing NSA sex. They are either *pretending *to pursue NSA sex, or aren’t *pursuing *anything, and are simply carried on a wave of tequila.

108

I just posted, but I saw that later in the thread the OP was asking why NSA sex, aka “harmless fun”, wasn’t treated as any other form of “harmless fun” (books, music, etc.) once committed.

Basically, the answer to this is that humans, and many other animals, are biologically territorial about people and things they are emotionally attached to. It’s not exactly the same, but I don’t want people coming in my house and playing with my cats and watching my TV and playing my video games, either. I consider it mine, so other people can’t touch it without asking.

With other humans, we don’t like other people to interact with them in ways our territory covers. This goes even beyond committed relationships; I don’t want my dad treating some stranger like he treats me. I don’t want my best friend doing all the stuff we normally do together with some new person, to the exclusion of me. I don’t want my partner having sex with someone else, because that’s something that she and I do together that holds emotional value for me. She can go see movies with other people, because I’m not particularly emotional about seeing movies with her, but the thought of sex with her invokes strong emotions and so that’s an act I’m territorial about.

109

You can use NSA sex for temporary feelings of closeness and whatnot. And some people like the feelings of making out and cuddling that surround sex - even NSA sex - even without orgasm.

110

I agree with most of what you’re saying. However, I think the idea that men crave sex more than women has some basis in reality and biology, simply because men have a need to ejaculate just like they need to urinate. Also, NSA sex comes with some dangers, particularly STDs (condoms reduce but don’t completely eliminate risk). Men seem to be much more willing to take on these dangers in order to have sex with some one they barely know than women do. Also, I wonder how many men would be willing to have sex without a condom with someone they didn’t know and accept her assurances that she was on birth control. I think there are quite a few who would. But I agree that this is highly debatable and almost impossible to prove either way. I’m speaking primarily from observation and instinct.

The idea that women must use sex as a bargaining chip is, I agree, completely outdated in a world where women have nearly equal career, educational, and social opportunities as men. However, that was the paradigm for millennia, as far as I know (and I’m no anthropologist), so while the realities may have changed in the past hundred years, it’s difficult to change ingrained perceptions in a relatively short period of time.

While I totally understand and believe that you enjoy NSA sex, my question as regarding the OP is, could you have enjoyed NSA sex at 16, 18, or 21? Because generally experience breeds confidence and comfort, and age also brings confidence. But when you were much younger, could you as easily enjoy sex as just a sexual act, or did you unconsciously carry around the social baggage that sex brings as well?

111

The second part of that I’ll agree with, and I think it’s fine. But anyone who is having sex with strangers to feel “close” to someone is, IMO, misguided at best. Thing is, it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s the inappropriate substitution. If somone eats to fill that hole, we don’t demonize the food.

I realize I’m coming off as argumentative, but I’m honestly not trying to be. I would never claim that ALL NSA sex (or ALL sex!) is good and healthy. I just don’t see the point of trying to claim that women, simply because they’re women, are somehow more likely to have ulterior motives, or to be “damaged” by it.

112

I’m just wondering why in this day and age people still give a shit about how much sex other people have or don’t have.

113

Or with whom and how well they know them, for that matter.

A-fucking-men.

114

You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

115

Mild hijack, apologies, but you can check out Jill Scott’s Def Jam poem ‘Nothing is for Nothing’ here. She doesn’t draw much of a line between NSA sex and pretending to be ‘on the hunt for love.’

I also blame society. You know, we never had these sorts of problems before it showed up.

116

You are hanging around my friends, aren’t you?

117

Actually, I like to gossip as much as the next heterosexual man. But to actually be judgemental about other people’s sex life is another story. I think it’s usually born out of resentment.

One thing about the NSA vs onegina argument is that the grass always seems greener. People in relationships often wish they had the freedom of their perpetually single friends. The Singletons, OTOH, often wonder why they can’t seem to find someone special and often feel lonely, especially as their other friends start to marry off.

118

I think someone alluded to it earlier but sadly I’m too lazy to look through the thread again to find it. One reason someone may think NSA sex is ok outside of a commited relationship and not ok when you are committed relationship is sex. In a relationship you, theoretically, have access to sex. Outside of a relationship your choices for having sex are masturbation, entering a commited relationship that includes sex or NSA sex.

If you want actual sex with another person masturbation is out. If you don’t want to deal with all of the other things that come along with being in a relationship then NSA sex is your only other choice.

Of course that’s not to say if both parties agree there is anything wrong with NSA sex within a commited relationship.

119

Here’s the thing. I like sex. I enjoy it, and always have.

However, I really dislike being in a relationship with someone whose company I do not really, really enjoy outside of the bedroom.

I find it difficult to find a partner whose company I really, really enjoy.

Therefore, when I was single, my choices were as follows:
a) no sex
b) NSA sex with relative strangers
c) SA sex with someone I don’t want to be attached to and deal with all the crap of a crummy relationship
Of these choices, (b) is most appealling.

Then I met my husband, and now have an additional option:
d) SA sex with someone I do want to be attached to and whose company I enjoy.
And now, (d) is the most appealling option.

See, for me, it isn’t “Ooh, I love having sex with strangers. Sucks to have to give that up now that I’m married.” It’s “Ooh, I love having sex. And cool! Here’s a readily available partner who I adore!”

It doesn’t mean I now think that option (b) is wrong or immoral or something I regret. It’s just that I prefer (d).

(on preview - what justrob said.)

120

ahhhh fuck