Here’s your chance. Missed being valedictorian by a few grade points? Weren’t popular enough to be chosen by a students’ or teachers’ committee?
Well, here’s your chance to give your high school graduation address. Lay your wisdom on your fellow graduates.
Allow me to start it off:
"Everett High Class of 1982,
"I’m not going to bore you with the usual cliches, such as reciting the meaning of “success” or “achievement” from Webster’s Dictionary. If you don’t know what these words mean, or even how to spell them, how the hell did you get here tonight?
"I’m not going to tell you that we are the leaders of tomorrow. We are not the leaders of tomorrow. We are the wage slaves of tomorrow. Get used to it.
"I’m not going to yell “Seagulls rule.” Seagulls don’t rule; they eat garbage and shit on tourists.
"I’m not going to ask you to remember that time we nearly blew up the chemistry lab, because it never happened.
"I’m not going to advise you to never give up on your dreams. You want to keep butting your head against failure, be my guest.
"I’m not going to tell you that I’ll always remember you. I won’t. I’ll look in my yearbook 20 years from now and wonder, who the hell is that, and I’ll be looking at my own fucking picture.
"Nor am I going to tell you everything I know I learned in kindergarten. Other than figuring out how to keep my pants dry when going to the bathroom, I took nothing of value from grade school
"I will tell you this:
"I did learn how to make some damn fine guacamole in college, which has been a pretty useful skill, as it earns me some appreciation at parties.
"Well, what the hell did you expect from me. Do I look like the valedictorian?
Where’s my gooddam diploma. I’m out."