The other day while fantasizing about winning AI, I realized that there were some pitfalls along the road to stardom which I would certainly avoid. I also realized that if I could talk to the current contestants, I think I would try to steer them away from some of the (IMHO) blunders that they’ve made.
Now picture yourself with an amazing voice, trying out for AI. What would you do or not do?
Also, do you have anything you’d like to say to current contestants?
In General:
Accept criticism meekly.
No Celine, no Whitney, No Matter What.
Specifically:
Unfortunately, it’s not legal, but I think John Steven could improve his performances by drinking half a bottle of wine before taking the stage.
Wait until you’re 20 to audition. There will be more American Idols, so don’t blow it by entering when you’re too young.
Call up someone who knows something about music and have them help you with song selection. Song selection is everything.
Sing upbeat songs. Unless it’s an absolutely beloved classic, like “Imagine,” avoid singing slow or downbeat songs. Too risky.
Dress a little classy.
If they ask you to insult Ryan Seacrest as part of the script, don’t do it, even if it means ignoring the cue card. It got one person kicked off and it’ll get you kicked off.
Spend your Saturday nights watching the USA Network’s Nashville Star country western finals. Each contestant is so much better organized, better poised and way more professional than any American Idol wannabe.
When I compare the contestants of American Idol with contestants from Nashville Star, there is no comparison. Putting aside the obvious music differences, but the Idol contestants are so amateur and just awful!!!
Latoya London: You seem inaccessible sometimes. Engage the audience, it really worked for you. Cut down on the melisma and you’ll sound more interesting.
George Huff: Stop bobbing up and down like a horny parrot. It was cute the first couple of times. People are getting sick of it. Dancing involves moving your feet.
Jasmine Trias: Try something other than straight diva-belt songs. You aren’t good enough at it to win. You need something else and you need it soon, so now’s the time to throw a Hail Mary pass and try something totally different or else you’re going back to “hawah… EE!”
Fantasia Barrino: Less attitude, more subtlety.
Jennifer Hudson: You’re terrifying. Stop bugging your eyes out. Do something other than Black Diva Songs.
John Stevens: You’re doomed, kid. Try doing something with a bit more edge. I don’t think you can but you might as well give it a shot. Your voice is putting people to sleep. You should have gotten voice lessons and waited for American Idol 6.
Diana DeGarmo; You look like JonBenet the Mousketeer. It’s terrifying. Stop listening to everything your Mom/agent tells you and stop singing songs you sang at your Bellsouth Communications Little Miss Georgia Under 13 Pageant, and try slutting it up a little and singing something with more edge, because you need a Hail Mary, too.
Don’t be nervous. It is not worth it. Not only that, it’ll screw up your singing.
Realise that you will be spending several hours in an arena with hundreds of other people for a 15 minute audition which will be shared with four other people and a judge or two. And that’s just the first round (I dunno how the second round compares, I blew it due to the previous point).
Oh, and if you have a UU friend who wears a cape with you, tell him to sit down before he gets himself kicked out, unless you want to lose your moral support. (No, he didn’t get kicked out, he just got a warning.)
My advice to AI contestants who want to really stand out is dig a little deeper than the last five years of popular music. I understand that these kids are only teenagers and have no idea what they’ve missed, but go talk to your parents or older siblings or somebody who can help you pick a tune that suits you, your voice, the different genres that they have on the show, and will impress the heck out of the judges who will most likely know the song and have not heard it 3 000 times, like every Celine or Whitney song.
And cut out the urban yodelling. It doesn’t sound great when it’s done really well, and it sounds ludicrous when done badly.
Stop caterwauling. Put some nuance in your voice. Sing quiet things quietly, reflective things reflectively, and gentle things gently. And stop with the endless and gratuitous tonal riffs.
Advice for audience:
Stop giving every performance a standing ovation. And stop cutting off Simon every friggin’ time he speaks.
Advice for producers:
Just get rid of Paula. You can save her salary and just ask the parents instead how they thought their kids did.
During AI2, in the first finals week, Vanessa Olivarez was cued to tell a joke about how Ryan Seacrest was a “trained monkey” or something similar. The joke went over like a lead balloon and didn’t evoke a laugh, and both Seacrest and Olivarez panicked and tried to giggle it over. After the commericial break Seacrest, still quite visibly worried, tried to explain that she’d been reading a scripted line. Didn’t help; she was the first person voted off, despite having given a very good performance. The joke unquestionably killed her.
And whoever said “the songs you love you can’t sing,” amen. Pick a song the AUDIENCE will love that YOU can sing. I mean, I love Elton John songs, but the range is just too hard for me (and for most people.) I really don’t like Elvis, but my voice matches his bang on. So if you’re asking me to choose, I’m gonna sing Elvis, because I can, not Elton John just because I like it.
I agree with this, but to a point. You obviously will sing better when you have a song that you enjoy singing as opposed to a song you you DON’T enjoy. As a singer, you must find a balance between what you like, what the audience likes, and what you are actually able to sing. That is the key IMHO.
If you have pink hair, change it back to a natural color (even if it’s not YOUR natural color). I know you are “quirky” and want to express your individuality, but trust me: pink hair is the kiss of death on AI.
