Death held out a hand. I WANT, he said, A BOOK ABOUT THE DANGEROUS CREATURES OF FOURECKS– Albert looked up and dived for cover, receiving only mild bruising because he had the foresight to curl into a ball. After a while Death, his voice a little muffled, said: ALBERT, I WOULD BE SO GRATEFUL IF YOU COULD GIVE ME A HAND HERE. Albert scrambled up and puled at some of the huge volumes, finally dislodging enough of them to allow his master to clamber free. HMM… Death picked up a book at random and read the cover. DANGEROUS MAMMALS, REPTILES, AMPHIBIANS, BIRDS, FISH, JELLYFISH, INSECTS, SPIDERS, CRUSTACEANS, GRASSES, TREES, MOSSES, AND LICHENS OF TERROR INCOGNITA, he read. His gaze moved down the spine. VOLUME 29C, he added. OH. PART THREE, I SEE. He glanced up at the listening shelves. POSSIBLY IT WOULD BE SIMPLER IF I ASKED FOR A LIST OF THE HARMLESS CREATURES OF THE AFORESAID CONTINENT? They waited. IT WOULD APPEAR THAT– “No, wait, master. Here it comes.” Albert pointed to something white zigzagging lazily through the air. Finally Death reached up and caught the single sheet of paper. He read it carefully and then turned it over briefly just in case anything was written on the other side. “May I?” said Albert. Death handed him the paper. “‘Some of the sheep.’“
I’ve heard that the safest answer, to avoid getting being thought either a Fenian bastard or a fookin’ Hun when asked “Rangers or Celtic?”, is “Partick Thistle”; then your interlocutors will merely think you an idiot.
If you ever come to the Tampa Bay area - and we sure hope you do - remember, speed limits are just guidelines. We don’t know what a green light means where you’re from, but here it’s open to interpretation. Go, or wait for the next; we don’t mind. And please, don’t burden yourself with using your turn signal. There’s always a good chance that you might decide to make a left turn from the right lane anyway, so no need to expend energy when you don’t always know until the last second which way you want to go. Also, the most scenic drives are to be found on our interstates (that’s “the freeway” or "highway) and major arteries so you’ll want to check those out between the hours of 6:30 and 8:00 AM or 4:00 and 5:30 PM.
When you visit the Canadian prairies, make sure to remind the locals about how back where you’re from you have real lakes and real trees. They need to be reminded how pathetic their attempt at copying your climate and geology is.
If you want to blend in at the Calgary Stampede, go buy a bunch of brand new cowboy clothes and walk around all day yelling “yee-haw”. That way nobody will bother you asking if you’re from out of town.
Make sure to visit the reservations; they are set up for tourists and the natives love telling visitors where all the teepees are and why they aren’t wearing feathers and moccasins. Invite yourself to their next pow-wow and do your best “how-how-are-ya”, “how-how-are-ya”, “how-how-are-ya” impression. They really appreciate foreigners exploring their territory and have a great sense of humor about stereotypes.
When in Alaska, be sure to ask everyone if they know Bill Smith, a friend of yours who also lives in Alaska. Rest assured that everyone there knows everyone else and can relate endless stories about ol’ Bill.
If you’re Black and are visiting Africa, be sure to announce that you “feel like I’m finally home!” to everyone. Everyone will immediately identify with you and invite you to become a member of their tribe. If you’re white and visiting Africa, everyone there will be in awe of your solutions for the problems in their country, so feel free to opine at length.
A fun thing to do on an African photo safari is to wander off alone with your lunch and sit next to a river or even out on the grassy plains with your meat sandwich. After all, the animals are completely tame there.
I worked many years for the Department of Transportation, State of Confusion. A co-worker had transferred to an inside job after being injured working in Maintenance. I was elected to teach her all the little intricacies about Right of Way Engineering.
And I got to hear all her war stories of working Maintenance.
San Bernardino County is the largest county in the US, and there are State roads, highways and freeways all over the place. She said it never failed, they could be in rural nowhere, by a busy freeway, or anyplace in between, and people would stop when they saw the orange vests, hardhats and orange trucks and say, “How do you get to Disneyland?” (Nevermind holding up traffic or blocking the people from doing their work)
The people were always from out of state.
If they tried to follow the directions given by those dedicated State Employees, they are probably still driving around, looking for the Matterhorn.
Look it up on Google Maps, or go buy a Rand-McNalley atlas.
Maybe good advice, dept: Long time ago a radio commercial for a bar near the beach, the directions included “And if you hear this sound – (SPLASH!) – you’ve gone too far!”