Give us your favorite quote

[NickyLarson]

And I think Mojo Nixon would make a great Pope!

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If it jams, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

[Rilchiam]

NickyLarson: Max von Sydow said that in Hannah and her Sisters.

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My only complaint is always having to wait for someone to come in the room and turn the set on.

[Ike_Witt]

I’m all over that.

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“He love people, all of them, washed and unwashed; he loves his wretched pack of sponging relatives. He shoots people, arrests people, but he doesn’t like it.”

[Ophanim]

Here are my three favorites, for now. I wrote them in various E-mails…

Here’s the bumper sticker I gotta make…

“I’m voting for Mickey Mouse, so don’t blame me when America gets F*cked up!”

Here’s the T-Shirt I gotta make…
Front:
“Hey America, will you do me the profound favor of…”
Back:
“GETTING YOUR DAMN HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS, AND YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!”

And finally…

“I think I lost most of my energy back in 1992, along with my lunch money, a backpack or two, and several thousand pens and pencils.”

Oh, and my favorite quote I didn’t make up…

“What are you looking at Dicknose?”

Oh, good lord that’s genious!

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Kisses!
}><(((^><^)))><{
Ophy

[NickyLarson]

[Quote:]

NickyLarson: Max von Sydow said that in Hannah and her Sisters.
[/Qoute]

Which?

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If it jams, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

[Rilchiam]

“If Jesus came back…”

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Why, yes, I am white trash. How did you know?

[upstatic]

Rilchiam-

I don’t know of another Nixon in politics. I guess my subtle joke was too much for you, thanks for criticizing.

OH YEAH, I’m sorry for upsetting you with that quote. Forgive me?

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R.J.D.

[Girlbysea]

I always say… Let the balls roll where they might… To many pool halls I guess…

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Girlbysea (AKA: ChiefScott’s GBS)

[Coldfire]

Grabs pen and paper to write down all the wise-cracks this quote is going to generate

[PunditLisa]

Here’s one of mine: “Be wary of people who would rather be right than be happy.”

My friend, Cheryl, came up with this one when I was done ranting about something.

“It could be worse. You could have a club foot.”

[ultress]

In my younger bar-hopping days my friends and I would tease each other, “we’re just slut puppies looking for stud muffins” of course we were not exactly sober at the time but we laughed like crazy every time someone would say it.

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I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

[purrplebear]

Hey! Ultress, that’s not fair. stealing my line like that. I thought my friends and I had such an original, too. I’m no longer consuming such copious amounts of hard liquor, so my perspective has changed somewhat. (Darn, I miss my very own stud muffin!) And Ophy, I love your quotes, cool, man!
GBS, I have only one thing to say:
Hhaaaaahhhaaaahhhhaaahhhaaaa…giggle, giggle…haaaaahhaaahhhhaaaaa!
Now sitting patiently by to watch the fallout from that comment…

[Biggirl]

“Let me get a needle and thread and stitch your balls together and tell you it doesn’t hurt.”
Said to my OB-GYN as he stitched my episiotomy.

[Johnny_Angel]

Talk about an invitation. I actually have a number of lines that I find witty and observant, but ordinarily I don’t quote them for fear of being self-indulgent. But if the reader will pardon, I’ll take this opportunity.

These are from a paper I wrote, Making Fun of Literature for a course on literary criticism:

What we have now in the world of literature is a situation with a lot more vampires than villagers. Literature is all hot blood and pretty-little-throats for critics, a source of fuel for their own ghoulish existences.

Making fun of someone’s writing is often treated as a destructive approach, and it can be. It can be as violent or as delicate as any knife, and it takes the right knife for the right job. There are some absurdities that you can’t get at with logic, or deconstruction or Marxist-Feminist analysis.*

• The reader may object that I simply don’t understand Marxist-Feminism, since one of its advantages is that it provides an answer to every question. What concerns me, however, is that it always seems to be the same answer.

Feminists, for example, will say, “Male thinking* is reductionist” with no hint of irony even though the statement itself is an example of reductionism, a category of informal fallacies that covers all kinds of oversimplification, hasty generalization and equivocation.

• Characterized supposedly by logic, as though women couldn’t do modus ponens, and tarred with the label “phallocentric” as though the penis were a binary instrument.

This is from my letter to the school newspaper, in response to someone who didn’t care for my previous letter. I never got around to sending the letter off, unfortunately.

I am deeply concerned about Joshua Olive’s September 30th letter to your paper reguarding my comments on J. Caleb Clanton’s column (Books: Expensive or Insane?). While I don’t disagree with his main point, and I will stipulate that I was indeed being a smart-ass and that I’m probably not a very nice person, I am old-fashioned enough to pride myself on being able to maintain a consistent understated ironic tone, a value which has clearly lost purchase in whatever quarter of the university Mr. Olive calls his own.

Mr. Olive prefers the kind of sloppy, knee-jerk sarcasm that has given irony such a terrible reputation. If, God forbid, he had written A Modest Proposal, it might have read, “Let’s eat babies. Yeah, that’d be real good.”

You must forgive me if I’m getting too emotional, but in these lean years when every bespeckled wag who gets an inch of space in the pages of The New Yorker gloats over the prophesied death of irony (as though they themselves were not only ahead of this cutting edge, but actually being chased by it), Mr. Olive and his ilk persist in the very same brand of short-sighted slash-and-burn rancor that threatens to spoil ironic discourse for us and our posterity, so that our children will never know its bitter-sweet delights.

And here are some of my favorite expressions:

I often hear people say that smart people don’t swear, because they can find better ways to express themselves. But I’ve noticed that it’s always morons who say this. How the fuck would they know?

If wishes were liches, beggars would die.

You cannot and need not be happy all the time.

There are a lot of worse things in this world than being me.

Things I say at work:

Unfortunately, your willingness to check out books does not constitute evidence of your eligibility.

We do everything according to Hoyle here. This is called Pro Forma. Pro Forma is a Latin expression that means, “Somebody else fucked up.”

You’ll want to direct that question to the reference librarian. We at circulation are not allowed to answer such questions because we don’t have library science degrees. You could train chimps to do our jobs, only it would cost more and it would be cruelty to animals.

I can’t think of any more at present, but I suppose I’ve indulged my vanity enough. Thanks for reading.

[Linney]

One that I take full credit for, and hope it eventually gets spread country-wide is: “On it like a bonnet.” Referring, of course, to one’s desire to accomplish a task post haste.

#1. “Would you please call a few friends to tell them that we’re playing cards tonight?”
#2 “I’m on it like a bonnet!”

Feel free to use it any time and anywhere!!!

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“If we submit everything to reason, our religion will have no mysterious or supernatural element. If we offend the principles of reason, our religion will be absurd and ridiculous.” Blaise Pascal

[RTFirefly]

Once when some friends and I were driving through downtown DC on the way to an early dinner, one of my companions noted that the prostitutes were out early.

I replied, “Yes, they’re the whore d’ouvres.”

[techchick68]

Good one RTF, gotta remember that one!

[RTFirefly]

The best part was, it came to me quick enough to say it right then. That almost never happens to me!

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“Living in this complex world of the future is not unlike having bees live inside your head.” - F. Scott Firesign

[Zico]

“Power corrupts, and absolutely power corrupts absolutely. I sholud know, my Uncle Terry was never the same after he got that big motorbike.”

[Typo_Negative]

‘Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand.’
I forget who said it.