It never hurts to apologize especially if you don’t mean it.
Jim Bouton in Ball Four.
My friends at work and I have this thing where, whenever someone says something that’s just absurd, or funny, or memorable in some way, shape, or form, I put it in my signature line. I’m sure most of them are “you had to be there” situations, but they make me giggle. Some of my favorites:
“When you grow up, you’re going to adopt thirty schizophrenic Mexicans and you all will eat chicken sandwiches all day long.” (veeery long story)
“We can have f**king chickens too!” (yelled very loudly in a crowded bar by my drunk friend Amber after I said she couldn’t come live on the island I’m going to buy when I win the lottery because she doesn’t like beef.)
Christy: “Dude, I like his pants. Are they new?”
Me: “What am I? The keeper of James’ pants?”
(Said in reference to this guy I had gone out with twice.)
“I am the office retard. Have you seen my baseball?” (Me, in reference to me being the office retard.)
The doctor I used to work for: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “James is talking about our date on the radio! And taking callers!”
The doctor: “Well…that certainly increases his asshole quotient.”
(The doctor in question was veeery uptight and you would never expect her to swear. You’d really have to meet her to see the humor. It was said in reference to the aforementioned guy I went out with twice who is a DJ.)
This is an original from me:
I’m not a Texan, I just live there
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Hey, you with The Hair
All things being equal, what do you feel like doing?
Quesions - Inquire Within
Listen Clearly
Speak Openly
Simply
Awake
Feel
See
Be
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These are all from my webpage… even though my page sucks… i think these are funny
If you ever fall off the Sear’s Tower, just go real limp cuz maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, cuz, hey, free dummy.
In case of emergency, break glass. scream. bleed to death.
The secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say “No animals allowed, except for seeing eye dogs.” Who is that sign for? The dog, or the blind person?
All the king’s HORSES and all the kings men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Take my advice… I don’t use it anyway
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Avoid eating fruits and nuts. After all, you are what you eat.