Lately, things that would make me angry, to the point of writing a legitimate rant, have instead spawned bursts of apathy and cynicism. Perhaps some sort of internal self-defense of not getting driven completely insane by things that easily bother me. I feel like I just don’t care about anything anymore.
For the past few weeks, my free time has been consumed by doing almost nothing. I get home from work, and I sit in a chair and idly stare at my dresser for 5 hours. Then I eat dinner and go to bed.
I’m starting to think maybe I burned something out in my brain. Maybe this isn’t a self-defense mechanism, maybe its just emotional self-destruction. I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel sad. I’ve suddenly lost interest in several hobbies I was very into for several years. Kind of just emotionally empty.
…been burntout before, I’m currently in recovery. A year and eight months as Functions Manager at Parliament-very interesting crowd to say the least. Currently I’ve decided to just stay home for a month or two to get over it, it’s working a little bit, but I better get back into work shortly…
…so I won’t call you names, instead :: raises glass of non-alcoholic juice :: I’ll share my drink with you mate…
I actually get quite a few comments on my name, and bringing it up has actually cheered me up a bit
Ah well, better than my last username. Apparently having a fictional character last name of ‘Panzer’ justifies accusations of being a ‘nazi whore’. The concept was so funny and silly I couldn’t take the username seriously anymore.
Anyway, Incubi are cool. Who do you think Merlin the Wizard’s father was, anyway?
Dude, Merlin rocks. Have you ever read “The Quest for Merlin” by Nickolai Tolstoy? It’s a great book.
And I agree Incubi are cool. One reason your name always gives me a Goth turn of mind is the X Mal Deutschland song “Incubus Succubus II”.
Speaking of Succubi I once came across the wierdest website- it was porportedly written by this college drop-out who had run afoul of a group of Succubi who then stalked him. According to him they derived their immortality from sexual energy- and once he failed a Succubus in bed they had it out for him.
It was very long-winded but facinating in a trainwreck sort of way- supposedly he was wanted for murder after they kidnapped his roommate and ::quiet voice:: the only thing they found was his penis. Then he goes back to his hometown to the funeral- the penis funeral- and the Succubi make off with his dad and then he hides in the desert and is stalked by them having several near misses. Then he thinks he finds a Succubi killer to help him but it’s a trap and he barely escapes with his life. They also supposedly hacked his website- the penis bouquet was quite interesting… I guess. He had also posted photos of them and had a recording as well.
Incubus, what you are describing sounds eerily like a bout of clinical depression.
IANAD, but I suggest you get your butt into a clinic in the near future. Don’t fuck around with depression…it’s not nice and it’s eminently curable.
Anyway, your dresser told me that it hates being stared at for hours on end. It’s feeling all self-conscious now, and would much rather you trotted off to see a doctor than have to put up with many more hours and days of scrutiny.
I gotta agree with Kambuckta. You recognize that something isn’t right - find out about it before you decide you don’t care that something is wrong.
Clinical depression isn’t one of those “I’ll snap out of it” things. It’s a downward spiral that can become extremely difficult to halt, let alone reverse.
If you feel that you are truly becoming apathetic, and this is not a small bout with mid-winter “cabin fever,” please go see a professional as soon as you can.
Incubus, how long have you been feeling emotionless? Have you sleeping habits changed from what they were before you started feeling this way? (Are you sleeping a lot more or is your sleep interrupted?) Have you gained or lost weight recently?
These are just some of the signs of clinical depression. I have to agree with Kambuckta and Cillasi. It may be just a simple matter of your brain chemistry being off, so don’t blame yourself. But do see a physician if this has been going on for over a couple of weeks. It may take a few weeks for the medication to have an effect and these feelings can get out of hand quickly. I do remember reading somewhere that an emotionless state can be one of the deepest depressions.
Also, please make someone aware of what you are going through – a friend or family member that you can count on.
I never thought of my situation as depression- I always thought depression as kind of a sadness but its not so much a sadness as just an emotional void- a complete lack of motivation to do anything. I’m remembered of my psychology class, in which we studied about people who became so unmotivated they couldn’t even get out of bed (a tempting proposition tomorrow as I have work early in the morning on a beautiful saturday )
My sleeping habits have changed. They’re extremely irregular, but not because I don’t go to bed at a consistent time, or deliberately deprive myself of sleep. Some nights, I go to sleep at 9 PM and yet still oversleep somehow and am extremely groggy the next day. Other nights I am not sleepy at all until 1 AM then wake up an hour early bright eyed and bushy tailed. It is somewhat confusing to other people to see me with bags under my eyes one morning then wired and ready to go the next.
My dad used to think I had a drug habit because of my erratic behavior back in high school. I am starting to become aware that I may have some disorder present, and this past year I’ve been going back and forth between whether or not I should go to counseling (sometimes life feels so overwhelming I feel it imperitave I talk with other people in group counseling, but then things would smooth out so I’d think I would be okay)
Taking heed to dopers suggestions, I am going to schedule an appointment with my doctor about this. Its too much to ignore.
Last semester, I had a series of extremely realistic and mundane dreams over a period of 3 months. These dreams would simply consist of me going through my ordinary routine for a weekday. They would be *so[\i] realistic that I actually had ‘false’ memories; I’d remember something that happened in a dream but thought it actually happened, and vice versa. When I was really awake and at school, I would often be extremely confused and disoriented. Why are we having an exam today? We had one two days ago. I got a ‘B’ on it. Why doesn’t anybody else know? Why is this exam have questions from a chapter that I wasn’t even assigned to study? Things like this tumbled through my thoughts and conversations. I’m sure many people at school thought I was totally bonkers. I’m amazed I managed to pass all my classes through that confusion.
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with ADD. I was prescribed Imprimine for it. I was on the drug for some time, becuase I feared that regardless of whether it was working or not, my grades would plummet if I stopped taking it. I finally weaned myself off it, with no changes academically. But that is when I started having night terrors (have terrible nightmares EVERY NIGHT which I would awake screaming in terror) this emotional emptiness and apathy. Its as if taking the drug for those years shorted something out in my brain.
As you have acknowledged Incubus, serious depression can take all sorts of forms. For some it can be an overwhelming sadness, while for others it is the absence of any feelings that heralds their diagnosis. In my own case it was the latter. I was still ‘functioning’ and although I sensed that something was awry, it was the lack of ‘classical’ symptoms that delayed me getting medical help until it was almost too late.
It could well be an adverse drug reaction (from the withdrawal etc) which may mean that over time you will recover, but I would still suggest seeing a medico about it. Soon. Tomorrow, or today if possible.
Currently I’ve decided to just stay home for a month or two to get over it, it’s working a little bit, but I better get back into work shortly…
