God damn you, Waldenbooks manager, for calling me ten minutes after I got in the door and asking me to come to work early! I just got back from Vegas, for fuck sake! Though I didn’t tell you that, or even that I’d been out of town, because it’s none of your business. I was visiting family, not hooting and hollering, and I thought my time was my own. You’d better not tell me that I have to check in every day from now on. And god damn you for changing the schedule so I had to work an extra hour and a half today, and scheduling me for tomorrow as well, which I hadn’t been when I left on Monday!
God damn you, Cow-orker, for claiming that you “left a message a couple days ago”! The earliest you could have left one is Monday afternoon, and you didn’t: not then or later. There was no such message on my machine when I got home Wednesday. Anyway, “a couple days ago” I was working with you, so you presumably would have told me in the store, not over the phone. Luckily, no one faults me, on the grounds that leaving a message does not guarantee that it was received. You’re on thin ice, pal.
God damn you, driver of the Oldsmobile Cutlass that wouldn’t merge onto the 134! Either speed up to get ahead of us or slow down to let us pass. But don’t keep hugging the wall and daring Mr. Rilch to sideswipe you. Yeah, I’m talking to you! He honked at you three times and you did not even look! Stay on the golf course: that’s the only place you should drive!
God damn you, driver of the white Chevy pickup that tried to cut us off and almost took Mr. Rilch’s bumper with you! If you’re going to cut someone off, the idea is to get ahead of them, not make the two vehicles become one!
God damn you, tumbleweed that popped up at us in the carpool lane! Mr. Rilch thought being in that lane would insure our safety! We are trying to get home in one piece here!
God damn you, Friend! You were supposed to put the cable box back on Fox after you were done watching Raw, not leave it on 73! And don’t tell me the world won’t end if I miss an episode of '70s Show! I had the VCR set, and I was kind enough to let you use our TV on Monday night! They’re my shows, and if I want to see them when they’re first run, not scramble around to catch the reruns, that’s my business! All right, you didn’t say that, and you did apologize. But when I first found out…!
And finally, thank you, Mr. Rilch, for insisting on sex before we unloaded the truck, even though I said I was too tired to get out of the fetal position. I wish, when the phone rang immediately afterwards, that you had checked the caller ID before answering. But at least this way, I had something to relax me before I had to rush to the mall “ASAP”.
