smugly polite Christian allows himself an annual SWEAR

The BBQ Pit
1

(enters slowly, hugging himself, looking lost, like he does after one nightshift too many. Eyes red with ten hours’ of headache. Hair messed. T-shirt soiled and sweaty, reeking of old folks’ urine and faeces)

(is handed mike. Breaks suddenly out of lethargy and manically whacks the guy who brought the mike over the head with it several times until it’s wrestled from his grip)

(is bundled up to front of stage)

(stands quietly, apparently uncomprehending)

(after five minutes’ silence, eyes focus and interest flickers across the face)

(picks one figure out of the crowd: a tall, apparently inoffensive girl in a careworkers’ smock)
Hey…

Hey… you. The tall whiny bint.
Yeah, you.

You. Are. Not. My. Boss.

That’s all. Stop walking in on me when I’m busy and taking over. Stop finding things wrong with everything I do. Stop standing me up and dressing me down. That’s all I ask. It’s not like I need you to help me learn. I’ve been all around this home with REGISTERED NURSES and not ONE of them has found as many problems with my work as you have. And sorry… what was your job description again? Huh? “Care assistant,” did you say? Say it louder. Yes, that’s what I thought. “Care assistant.” The EXACT MOTHERFUCKING SAME AS ME.

Just Fuck Off. Go on. Fuck off, you fucking unclefucker. Go fucking fuck yourself, you fucking fuck. FUCK OFF.

I can see you waiting behind that door. You’re not fucking off properly. I know you’ll be back. I’ve given you enough leeway and you’ve proved yourself a power-seeker. Thus I ORDER YOU TO FUCK OFF. YOU’RE STOPPING ME WORKING PROPERLY. I’VE NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BUT PLEASANT TO YOU AND ALL YOU DO IS PICK HOLES.

WHEN I RULE THE WORLD EVERY DAY WILL BE THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING
AND YOU WILL FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF.

Why are you still reading this, huh? You must still be here. I thought I told you to fuck off. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH AND FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING PISSING FUCKERFUCK FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKEROO, FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Nothing personal. JUST FU… (snip)
(stands silently for another minute)

(collapses suddenly and heavily to floor, screaming Biblical curses and crying insanely)

(thus ends another nightshift)

2

Yeah bitch - fuck off!

Leave my Glaswegian friend alone.

Fucking bitch…

feeling a little better mate?

Redfuckingboss

3

That was fucking beautiful, man.

4

I have one of those! mine works the 5 am -1pm shift where i work! Some days i never hear the end of it from her!
“You know therapy will need the shower!”
“why is he giving her shower so late?”
“You know these people have to be up!”
“When are you going to be done with the shower?Come get me when you are done!”
“You know there’s a huge pile of _____ in the soiled utility room!!!”

It must be a federal law of some sort, that says every nursing home much have X amount of micromanaging whiners pet Y of staff, and that they must have the most irritating voices.

5

Wow. I am in awe. Truly a memorable rant.

Are you sure you don’t do this very often?

6

Sorry for the hijack, but the thread title would make a really good Onion Headline.

7

:: applauds wildly ::

You used your yearly swear wisely. That was brilliant.

8

It absolutely was. Ross, do you mind if I grab it for my sig??

9

I felt exactly the same way. Very expressive couplet.

10

This was the ‘coffee out the nose’ line for me:

Good job!

11

I had my post all ready. Then I checked preview, and kferr had already posted it.

12

I like the FUCKEROO part.

13

It sounds best if you mentally sing it in a Spike Milligan or Harry Secombe voice.

But it is good, to the extent that I’ve already managed to use it once today.

14

Fuckeroo Banzai Across the Ross Dimension.

Okay, I’m leaving now.

15

When I was in grade school, the curse of choice was “fuckadoodledoo”. Like "cockado . . . " but with fuck.

Carry on.

16

Oooh, I can’t believe you said “bint”.

(Not that I actually know what a “bint” is, but it sounds like a swear word.

17

It’s British. Something akin to a stupid female, but stronger, I think.

18

You know, when I get angry, if I avoid every single other swear word on the planet, I still manage to work in “fuck” just because of the enormous relief it brings.

screams at top of lungs
FUCK!
deep breath

Wonderful rant.

19

I am not going to print this out and hand it to her.
I am not going to print this out and hand it to her.
I am not going to print this out and hand it to her.
I am not going to print this out and hand it to her.
I am not going to print this out and hand it to her.
I am not going to print this out and hand it to her.

There. That’s got it registered in my consciousness. Now I just have to stay away from the PC. Forever.

Thanks for your support, guys. I feel strangely cleansed.

20

Not sure but it looks like BINT=BITCH+CUNT. I might be wrong.