Howdy, dusty, can’t you at least walk to the next exit? Oh, wait, your dick is still rammed down my throat. Excuse me, dusty, gag, spit…
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw!
Shitfire and fucknation!
Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut! (from Vonnegut)
Christ on a bike!
Moses on a moped!
Allah on a Vespa!
Buddha in a Beemer!
And expletive replacements from the There-Are-Children-Present File:
What the fffffffflying Ferengi?
Holy shiiiiiiiifting sands of Arabia!
I don’t give a flying Philadelphia Potter Stewart! (from the Schrödinger’s Cat trilogy)
Son of a… biscuit!
Heckfire and Dalmatians!
Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty!
Favorite response to complaints about managers and the people who make policies: “They’re doing the best they can.” <Pause> “No, really.”
I design and implement training strategies for difficult tasks, and for simple tasks done under challenging conditions, or by people with profound handicaps. When a colleague or other professional associate fails to respond to a request to accomplish some simple task, I drop into my best training personae, and say, “That starts with stand up.” (Some things start with sit down, but people seem to have less trouble with those.)
<p align=“center”>Tris</p>
Pop the top on a tall boy can of whoop ass
pissing down a rat hole
I just try to blend in
Yeah, but I mean well
slicker than owl shit on a brass door knob
then it hit me like a sackful of nickels
all over 'em like a duck on a june bug
hit real hard with an ugly stick
She’s got an ass like a sackful of door knobs
better to be pissed off than pissed on
If you let a person shit in your face, the next thing they’ll say is “open your mouth”
living in the shallow end of the gene pool
not the sharpest knife in the drawer
dumber than a box full of rocks
dumber than a paper cup
breath that would a buzzard of a shit wagon at 30 paces
I’ve got feelings ya know
why don’t you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it
shit in a shoe box
a mouth like a horse’s ass
He looks like the southern end of a north bound horse
I take my job home and dwell on it until it festers like a boil ready to pop
who died and left you king?
a whiskey glass and a woman’s ass made a horse’s ass outta me
if she had as many c**ks sticking out of her as she had stuck in her she’d like like a porcupine
stick your head up my ass and fight for air
you hold him down and I’ll hit his head
(spoken with a twang)
an IQ to match his hat size
she smelled like the shit house door of a tuna boat
his train ain’t pulling a full load
stairs don’t go all the way to the top
one oar in the water
a face that looked like it with shot with a shotgun and the bb’s dug out with a track shoe
shot with shit and hanged for stinkin’
zero sum game
she looked like a beached whale
Cool thread Byz I would post more but I am so tired I could drop
one more: more nervous than a whore in church
I’ve got a number of sayings, most which I stole from my best friend. She’s dumb and immature, and sometimes comes up with clever stuff to say. According to her, I just have a stick up my ass, and thus, have to use her phrases. This very well may be true, but hey, at least I have an IQ above room temperature.
“Well, fuck me up the ass.” (said in a very sunshiny tone, of course)
Or, if I’m talking to my mom and feel like provoking her, “Well, fuck me up the ass, six ways come Sunday.”
“You amuse me like the two dollar monkey you are.”
“Do you KNOW how many nickels are in that?!” (My friends joking refer to me as a five cent whore. When they ask to borrow money, that is what I usually respond with. What can I say? I’m cheap. In more ways than one…)
“…but, no. I’m not bitter. Really. I’m not.”
Eh, all my others have already been listed, so I won’t bother to type them out again.
You look like you been sacking bobcats and ran outta sacks.
This space for rent.
Well kiss my a$$ and call me dimples.
I was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.
This space for rent.
hmmm…
go piss up a rope…
have you mistaken me for someone who cares?
don’t make me come back there!!
I need a life!
and one I share with another doper that I am not allowed to say… but if ya look close… it is embroidered on our team jackets =)
and for those confuzzled time… ohh sorry blonde moment.
“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas
Well, spray me with gasoline and set me on fire !
No shit, Sherlock !
Well, fuck me with a broomstick !
Sorry, the Dutch ones are untranslatable (is that a word 
).
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
“I’d like to get ahold of that guy [someone of who one does not approve] and make him eat a shit sandwich.”
Uke
Byzantine: Somehow, If I’d met you, I think I’d remember. 
I borrowed that “gobble” quote from Stephen King’s Needful Things (good book, but has a cop-out ending). I just like the way it rolls off the tongue (so to speak).
Most of those sayings are meant as insults, anyway. If I happen to want that oral service, I just say
SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!
Works everytime.
A couple more for y’all (try to contain your excitement):
(Singing like a Vegus lounge lizard)Smokin’ that craaaaaaaaack…
Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
Joke 'em if they can’t take a fuck.
(in tribute to that little girl on the Shake-and-Bake commercial, delivered in my best inbreed hillbilly accent)“And I helped!”
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
We lived so far out in the country, first thing we had to do every morning is sweep the coon farts outta the kitchen.
She was so big it took two men and a boy to look at her.
You look like the dogs had you under the house.
My wife hardly says two words to me, but she says them two all the time.
This space for rent.
Classics from Steven King:
“Jesus H. Bald-Headed Christ!”
“Christ in a sidecar!”
“Here’s what you do: get a hammer, find yourself a nice big pile of sand, and pound all that sand up your ass.”
And one of my Grandfather’s:
“I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger with an itchy ass!”
Z
I have no sense of decency - that way my other senses are enhanced.
I’m trying to watch my language, so the string of curses heard in my office lately are:
Aw, for the love o’ Ned!
HOLY mother of Mary Pickford!
and the all-purpose–
Aw, Nerts!
Okay, here goes-
Jumped up Allah on a pogo stick.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph in a tiny canoe.
F**k me gently with a chainsaw.
As nervous as a whore in church.
Locked up tighter than a whore’s heart.
Harder than a wedding night d*ck.
Not the brightest bulb on the strand.
He came from the shallow end of the gene pool.
She’s so fat, she can sell shade.
“I’m still here, asshole!”-Angus Bethune
Is it true? Are the Kennedys gun shy?
Dogs love cheese
Here’s a few that my mom, grandmother, and great-grandmother use, when there are young’uns around…
“Sugar jets!”
“What in the Sam Hill is going on here?”
“Oh, baloney fat!” (my personal fave)
I’ve had to learn to use these, since my daughter suddenly sprouted parrot feathers.
One of my all-time favorites:
Life’s a penis. When it gets hard, f*ck it.
We all float down here…
Somebody dipped that guy into the ugly pot twice.
When she eats celery, it sounds like she’s stepping on a basket.
His voice was too loud for indoor use.
This space for rent.