“Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.” Freewheelin’ Franklin, one of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
I use the aforementioned Vonnegut line, go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods?
I need that about as much as a fish needs silk panties.
It’s about as easy as nailing Jello to a tree.
I was so busy, I was flying around like a blue-ass fly !
(Yeah, I got me some Aussie colleagues 
)
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
Oy vey unt gevaldt ist mir! (And I’m not Jewish.)
Calice d’hostie d’saint sacrement! (And I’m not Quebecois.)
Mercy street, girlfriend!
Oh for crying out sideways!
Jesus Murphy!
Christ on a crutch! (I’m not Christian, either.)
Well I guess some queen’s on a schedule! (said after nearly getting run over)
Mmmm, he’s just a little munchie in the morning, idn’t he? (said of a cute guy)
for the love of pete
here’s a quarter, call someone who gives half of a rat’s ass (or a fuck)
looked what fell of of the piece-of-shit tree
well slap my ass and call me charlie
oh-good-god
thats Ri-God-damn-diculous
from The Simpsons: Shiva H. Vishnu!
from the PJ’s: Mary Wells, Mother of Motown!
what I usually say: Sweet Bloody Jesus!
“Byzantine in a sidecar wearing crotchless panties”
“OK, pick up those gloves or the ref’s gonna start deducting points.”
Byz,
Yep, it’s me. And there was no need to get nasty and call me a classy lady !
And here are just a few more -
And I care because … ?
I got your ___________ right here bubba.
Eat sh*t and die.
Look into my I eyes, do you see any “give a damn” there ?
Oh, whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks.
The true meaning of P.M.S. is - putting up with mens shit.
And I love this one I found on a tee shirt
Marry a fat tattooed woman, you’ll have shade in the summer, warmth in the winter, and moving pictures all year round.
(before anyone gets pissed over this one I am a short fat tattooed woman )
Ayesha - Lioness
You sound reasonable. Must be time to up my medication.
I just bought a new t-shirt. On the front it says “Your village called-- their idiot is missing.”
– Sylence
And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references.
I use a lot of the ones posted here already. The only one I haven’t seen is one that my husband has been using lately
“If it were up your ass, then you would know” (usual response when somebody asks him where something is)
And this is one I use (stolen from some comedian)
“What’s your problem? Are you on crack?” (my usual response when I see somebody do something really stupid)
I’ve also been known to use:
“Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick”
Shadowfox
“Most people would succeed in small things, if they were not troubled with
great ambitions.”
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)
ala “Is the Pope Catholic?”:
Are the men’s room line short at a Melissa Etheridge concert?
One I just made up: “Cram your modem up your ass and hit Reply when it starts to feel good.” Obviously useful only in some situations.
I always liked “Heavens to Betsy!” although I never figgered out where it came from.
I liked to misapply “kinky”. Especially fun when used to replace the word “humid” in the Two Live Jews’ song “Oi! It’s So Humid!” E.g. “Hey look, I got a new stereo. Five-disc switcher! What do you think?” “Oi! It’s so kinky!”
- Boris B, Hellacious Ornithologist
He’s sharp as a marble.
She ain’t eating with both chopsticks.
He was so ugly his momma had to pull the sheet over his face so’s sleep could slip up on him.
Sometimes I feel like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Rip off your head and shit down your neck.
Said to the horny boyfriend when I’m not in the mood - “Go flog the knob.”
>^,^<
KITTEN
Fluff yer hair Beula, I’s feelin frisky - M.S.
the ones i hear the most are
- like i could give a flying fuck
and
- jesus christmas (my dad likes to use that one)
“human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust; we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.” - albert einstein
When you are doing something, and someone is trying to help but it is only making things worse:
“I’m fucking this cat–you hold the tail”
“He’d fuck a pile of rocks if he thought there was a rattlesnake under it”
“Why, I outta take you downtown and book you for a communist” Great line from a tough guy movie I cannot, for the life of me, remember the name of.
“More fun than tying two cats together by the tails and throwin’ them over a clothesline”
And my personal favorite:
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit,” with about 7 syllables
When you are doing something, and someone is trying to help but it is only making things worse:
“I’m fucking this cat–you hold the tail”
“He’d fuck a pile of rocks if he thought there was a rattlesnake under it”
“Why, I outta take you downtown and book you for a communist” Great line from a tough guy movie I cannot, for the life of me, remember the name of.
“More fun than tying two cats together by the tails and throwin’ them over a clothesline”
And my personal favorite:
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit,” with about 7 syllables
Stolen from P.J. O’Rourke:
“What the f***? I mean, what the fing f?” (Used to indicate incensed confusion)
Stolen from George Burns:
“Aeh-ha.” (Used to indicate brain-stem crunching stupor at what was just said)
Stolen (more like misremembered) from Black Adder:
"You wouldn’t know if a weasel painted itself blue and jumped up and down on a harpsichord singing “ing Days Are Here Again.” (Used to tell someone that they don’t know jack about )
JMCJ
Die, Prentiss, Die! You will never have a more glorious opportunity!